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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25634518">A Song for Lottie</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/schnaf/pseuds/schnaf'>schnaf</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(it's an OC), Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, OC has cancer, Strangers to Lovers, Trans Female Character, musicians au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:46:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>66,842</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25634518</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/schnaf/pseuds/schnaf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan was quite happy without Phil in his life. But then, Lottie came along. Lottie, the annoying girl with a sweet tooth and a bad mouth. And you just can't say no to Lottie. Even when she wants you to meet Phil again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Phandom Reverse Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is my second fic for the <a href="https://phandomreversebang.tumblr.com">phandom reverse bang</a> \o/<br/><a href="https://candanandphilnot.tumblr.com/post/624204654916632576/for-the-sixth-page-by-awrfhi-beta-read-by">here</a> you can find <a href="https://candanandphilnot.tumblr.com">Cal's</a> amazing gifset for the story ♥<br/>the biggest of all thanks goes to <a href="http://Succubusphan.tumblr.com/">Yani</a>, my beta, who invests so much time and effort - the story wouldn't be the same without you and i'm so glad to be working with you ♥ (i'll still cry about every comma you delete, tho. :D)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes, Dan wonders if word got out. If people know.</p>
<p>Again and again and again the same old question. Sure, interviews aren't always super exciting and journalists tend to ask questions Dan’s heard before. But with this question, it feels quite excessive.</p>
<p>"Did you and the band ‘Lights’ ever consider doing a collab? Is there a secret project we don't know about yet?"</p>
<p>No. No, no, no. But it doesn't matter how often he explains that it just doesn't fit, that their styles don't fit, that their <i>voices</i> don't fit, the question reappears all the time. And it feels strange, so strange, because - why, of all things, Lights?</p>
<p>Bryony tells him it just feels excessive, it isn't that much actually. She tells him other stars hear that question, too, but they don't get published because the answer isn't satisfying.<br/>
"How often did your answer to this question get published? Yep. You see?"</p>
<p>Yes, it sounds reasonable. Just like her not quite serious accusation that he wouldn't have to bother with this question if he had some scandals, if he gave the people something else to talk about. Or -</p>
<p>"It's because of your fan base. Young girls like your music. And they like Lights' music."</p>
<p>"That's rude."</p>
<p>"But it's the truth. Young girls who listen to both your and Lights' music want to see you together because, in their rooms, posters with your faces are hanging next to each other."</p>
<p>'want to see you together'.</p>
<p>Dan's stomach turns. Oh no, the world has had its fair share of Phil and him together. No need for more of that anymore.</p>
<p>Still, she’s right. It might not be that odd to imagine him working together with Lights. Maybe he’s just paranoid when he’s looking for a deeper reason.</p>
<p>But Bryony is both his friend and his assistant and both means she wants him to be happy. Who knows, maybe she's just glossing things over so he'll shut up.</p>
<p>Well, one thing is for sure: He will never collab with the band Lights.<br/>
He will never collab with Phil Lester.</p>
<p>~*~*~</p>
<p>Freedom, finally. Well, it’s not exactly freedom yet, after all, the meeting Dan is heading to counts as a business meeting. It doesn’t feel that way, though. After spending several hours in the studio yet again, he’s happy about just going outside and having a coffee.</p>
<p>Dan spots Emily, waiting for him at a table under a parasol, with a cup of coffee and a piece of cake in front of her.</p>
<p>"Hi, Em." She gets up to hug him - a tip-toed hug because just like so many other people, Emily is quite a bit smaller than him. Doesn't exactly help that she wears sneakers.</p>
<p>"I see you decided not to wait for me?" Dan nods at her plate as they take a seat facing each other over the table. It's a strawberry cake with intricate designs made of chocolate on it, a generous amount of cream covering half of the cake, topped off with a strawberry cut to look like a rose. But that's not what draws his attention to the cake. It's the fork on the plate and the missing piece.</p>
<p>Emily just shrugs nonchalantly. "Didn't want to look like I was waiting for my date."</p>
<p>Meeting up with Emily is actually something Dan looks forward to. They got to know each other through the Make A Wish foundation - she was the person who worked with Dan for his first ever wish fulfilment. They met a few more times since then and Dan grew to actually like the small, energetic woman who never seems to be losing her big smile. She's just the kind of person you'd expect to work for an organisation like Make A Wish - just the kind of person you'd expect to help make children happy. But on top of that, it's actually fun talking to her.</p>
<p>Em treats him like a regular person. Yes, he knows it sounds super pretentious but it's an actual issue for him; he didn't like social interactions even before he got famous but when people started to recognize him on the streets, it became even worse. The permanent fear of someone just talking to him so they could get information about his personal life and let everyone know about some little detail he didn't even notice mentioning...<br/>
Emily is different. Emily works with stars on a daily basis, she’s just not that impressed anymore. (Well, most of the time, that is. She did confess to Dan that she was nervous before meeting a celebrity once - when she got to meet Hugh Jackman. But it's quite nice to see that she's not that aloof, either.)</p>
<p>It's more than just "not impressed anymore". As Emily lets him know every now and then, he's quite cool for a famous guy and it's not exhausting to be around him. So she actually loves chatting with Dan.<br/>
They're not actually friends, they never met up outside of work. Still, it's nice to see her again.</p>
<p>This time, they chat too, of course. As the waiter brings Dan's cake - he went for a chocolate cake - Emily dives into a narration including some school building in Reading. (She lives in Reading and since she found out Dan grew up in the proximity, she's super keen on talking about her hometown each time they meet.) Then, she asks Dan what's going on in his life at the moment and he tells her that they're in the final stage of production for his new album and that he's quite glad to enjoy some moments outside the studio. Emily tries to sound like she feels sorry for him but she fails because she can't stop grinning at him. So instead, she relates the story of one of her last protégés who desperately wanted to meet Donald Trump and she'd rather launched the kid into space…</p>
<p>And Dan actually feels happy. He feels the sun on his face, he tastes the chocolate cake (god, how much chocolate did they use? It's divine), he listens to Em's little giggle and he feels quite content.</p>
<p>Emily waits until they have both finished their cake before she goes into business mode. She shoves aside her plate and rests her elbow on the table and again, Dan wonders if she actually manages to get threatening when she needs to, when she meets up with some stubborn celebrity who tells her they are okay with taking a picture with the child in question but nothing more. Right now, she looks like it.</p>
<p>"So - I'm sure you know why I asked to meet you today."</p>
<p>Of course he is. It's another collaboration. And to be honest, Emily already knows his answer too. He really likes working with the Make A Wish foundation - he's glad to make children smile even though they're struggling with a terminal illness. They are suffering and if he's the one who can help them a tiny little bit, just by making them forget about their illness for a day - why shouldn't he?</p>
<p>"Yeah. You missed me and you wanted to hang out with someone cool again."</p>
<p>Em rolls her eyes at him. Just because she's a professional angel doesn't mean you can't banter with her and that's why Dan gets along with her so well.</p>
<p>"No, sorry. I'm here because of Trevor. He wanted to meet One Direction but I convinced him to go with you instead. You're not on demand that much, it's easier to make an appointment with you."</p>
<p>Dan pretends to be shocked. One Direction - really? But after a quick kick at her shin, they return back to business.</p>
<p>"Okay, what do you have in store for me today?"</p>
<p>"His name actually is Trevor. He's thirteen and he has bone cancer. He'd like to spend a day with you."</p>
<p>The waiter appears at their table, they both hand him their empty plates. Dan’s quite glad when he’s gone again - they were just getting to the interesting part when he interrupted them.</p>
<p>“So what does he want to do?” Dan inquires, reminding Emily she didn’t get to tell him.</p>
<p>Well, maybe that was for a reason. She giggles before she answers. “It’s a surprise.”</p>
<p>“Oh. I see.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sorry. I promised Trevor not to tell you.”</p>
<p>Wow, that’s unusual. The last few times Dan helped to fulfil a dream, he got pretty clear instructions beforehand. So his first reaction is to raise an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Emily understands. She adds some details. “I can assure you it’s not bad. It’s nothing out of the ordinary for you.”</p>
<p>Okay, he takes her word. After all, they’ve already gotten to know each other a bit better and she knows some of his likes and dislikes. Also, her description sounds like Trevor wished for something Dan is comfortable doing - something Dan is used to doing.</p>
<p>Music. It has to be about music. It’s obvious to plan something about music when the person you picked for your dream is a musician.</p>
<p>"Okay. I'm in."</p>
<p>Em smiles at him gratefully. But -<br/>
Oh no. That was way too soon. Her smile falters right away and instead she looks at him... a bit uneasy?</p>
<p>"Well, there's something else."</p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p>"Hmm. He wants to spend a day with you and... Phil Lester; You know."</p>
<p>She squirms a bit in her seat - her smile returned nevertheless. It's a bit forced, though.</p>
<p>Phil Lester. Phil fucking Lester. Of all people in the world Trevor had to pick Phil Lester.<br/>
Dan buries his head in his hands and groans. Does Em even know why he reacts that way - did she even get wind of their refusals to work together? Well, apparently, otherwise she wouldn't have felt so uncomfortable telling him about his project partner.</p>
<p>Phil Lester. And he can't back out.<br/>
Can’t he? No, he can't, that's for sure. He's not a bad person and he really wants to do something good for poor Trevor, but -<br/>
Oh no, he can't do it. Well, he needs to and he will but Dan has no clue how it's supposed to work out. He can't stand being around Phil, Phil can't stand being around him and now they're supposed to entertain a kid together? God, he'll be around Phil for several hours, how -</p>
<p>Still, he can't decline. He can't just decline Trevor's wish for his own issues.</p>
<p>Dan resigns to his fate.</p>
<p>"Does Phil already know?"</p>
<p>"No, not yet. He's next. You were first in my list, you're first in alphabetical order. But I'll let you know when I’ve told him so you can get in touch if you’d like to."</p>
<p>Great. If you do a project like that together, you need to prepare. Dan still has no clue what will face them on Trevor’s big day but if it’s actually about music, there’s not a lot that doesn’t need preparation. If they’re supposed to sing a song together with Trevor, they need to pick a song, if they’re supposed to make a studio tour for Trevor, they need to decide which studio they’ll pick... </p>
<p>Awesome. Why didn't Trevor actually pick One Direction? But no, it had to be him. And Phil. The singer of Lights.</p>
<p>Dan’s mind went right back to the first time he’d heard of Lights.</p>
<p>~*~*~</p>
<p>The clouds were passing over them. Moving, moving, always moving and Dan followed them with his gaze.</p>
<p>It was good to be here. There was a light breeze and that was just what he needed - a break from the hot summer temperatures. Well, the bottle of beer he was sharing with Maisie didn’t hurt either. Add some music on the headphones they were also sharing, her chatting, the sounds of Billy and Eileen talking nearby, too…</p>
<p>For a brief moment, Dan remembered he still got some homework to do and he grimaced. But hey, future Dan could take care of that. Should it be necessary, he could still do it right before school tomorrow. At that moment, he just wanted to feel good and well, he felt good around his friends, not bothering with homework or school or other people or -</p>
<p>Oh, speaking of...</p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eyes, Dan could see a couple walking by. They had to be around the same age as Maisie's parents (not as young as his cool, hip parents - his "cool", "hip" parents - but ugh, that didn't matter right now as he's not willing to let them dampen his mood yet again) and he could tell they were looking at his group of friends - they were judging them. 'Damn emos, just hanging around, being a nuisance, the guys probably gay' (he begged to differ - he was bisexual), 'the girls probably just some fag hags' (no, they were cool and he loved them so much).</p>
<p>And yet, it didn't matter. Au contraire - it made Dan feel proud in a strange way. He could be whoever he wanted to be when he was around friends, he knew some people tended to get angry when they saw this version of himself (including his parents but yet again - he didn't want to let them dampen his mood). Still, he kept on doing what he was doing. He didn't get up right away, fixing his damn emo hairstyle just because Carol and Harold were bothered. No, he was true to himself. Finally. And it just felt so good.</p>
<p>"You know, she said she had sex with Jason," Maisie said, her voice sounding like comforting background noise to Dan’s busy mind.</p>
<p>The last notes of the song. God, he loved them so much - he didn't particularly care about that song, he didn't even remember the band anymore. But the outro was so damn epic. The guitars slowly fading out until they sounded like scattered raindrops… Dan closed his eyes to focus on them, he smiled.</p>
<p>The next song started playing. Just some violins and Dan raised his eyebrows. He was pretty sure he had never heard that song before, even though he knew the contents of Maisie's MP3 player by heart.</p>
<p>Then -</p>
<p>Oh. No, he’d never heard the song before, now he was sure. The singer stepped in and - well, you couldn't exactly call it 'singing', it was metal screaming, adding a completely new layer to the song that started off so calm, with the violins and some soft guitars...</p>
<p>"And she said his dick is small. I believe her, sure, of course Jason has a small dick. But she's just so fake and every word that leaves her mouth is a lie and she's just trying to look - oh wait, I'll change the song." Maisie said as her hand moved towards her MP3 player. But Dan stopped her.</p>
<p>"Wait." Dan turned his head and saw her smiling at him.</p>
<p>"Oh. I thought you didn't like this kind of music."</p>
<p>Well, she was right. Dan wasn't that much into metal. Especially due to the fact that he appreciated good vocals, vocals with some variety, vocals with some melody, even though a metalhead would probably start an hour-long discussion with him if Dan told them metal screaming didn't fit this description. It felt like that for him, though. Metal screaming was just - well, screaming. It was so monotone and he never figured out why it should be appealing.</p>
<p>This song was different, though. It was not just some monotone screaming, it was -</p>
<p>The pain in the singer's voice. It wasn’t screaming anymore, just pure emotion. It moved him.</p>
<p>"It's cool."</p>
<p>Maisie didn't make him describe it further even though Dan could tell this description didn't exactly explain why he had fallen for that song. Instead, she turned quiet, letting him listen to the song.</p>
<p>Damn. It was really good. Actually so fucking good. The voice. The emotion. The part when the guitars and drums entered the song. The voice. The goosebumps on his arms. The refrain. The way a lump formed in his throat - and at the same time, he felt so happy somehow. The voice. The lyrics - he didn't particularly pay attention to them, but sometimes, he caught a sentence and it just felt so on point. The voice, over and over and over again because, yes, the song was quite good per se but it was the voice that made it so special.</p>
<p>When it was over and the next song started playing - a song by Maisie's favourite band - he turned to her. There was no need to ask anything, though. Maisie just started talking.</p>
<p>"My brother sent me the song. I think it's this new band he likes. Some alternative metal band from Manchester or whatever."</p>
<p>She picked up her MP3 player, took a look at it.</p>
<p>"They're called Lights. I guess you should check them out."</p>
<p>Dan closed his eyes again, Maisie started talking about some girl from their class again.</p>
<p>Yeah, he should probably check them out.</p>
<p>~*~*~</p>
<p>Oh. Well.</p>
<p>Dan stared at his laptop, he bit his lip. So that's “Lights.”</p>
<p>He just wanted to look up their music, to go on YouTube to listen to more Lights songs. But he stumbled over some photos and then some videos and -</p>
<p>Shit. The singer was drop dead gorgeous. So. Damn. Gorgeous.</p>
<p>Black hair, the usual emo hairstyle, sure, not that special. (It looked so good on him, though.) The blue-est eyes in the world. His face. Damn, there was something about him, Dan couldn't even explain what it was. But there was one thing he knew for sure.</p>
<p>He was still into guys. Especially into this guy.</p>
<p>Phil Lester, that's the name he found on the internet. Phil, that was the name his friends soon grew tired of. Dan just couldn't stop talking about him, mentioning him at least once each time they hung out at the park again.</p>
<p>His voice. His lyrics. Dan stayed up for hours just to listen to some songs on repeat, trying to decode the message. There was nothing on the internet about Phil's sexuality - no girlfriend, thankfully, but also no hints that he might be gay - but there was something about his lyrics that made Dan feel understood, something about his lyrics that just fit Dan's situation all too well.</p>
<p>And of course, his god damn looks. Maisie threatened to beat him up if he mentioned one more thing Phil could do to him (and he believed her - she might have been a lot smaller than him but she was fierce). Still, he couldn't stop and hey, they should've been glad that he kept most of the things to himself. The images in his head, of him and Phil...<br/>
(He knew it was unrealistic, he knew there was no way he could a) meet Phil and more importantly b) convince this rock star, this fucking hot guy to have sex with him. But in his fantasies, it was possible and yes, he did enjoy it quite a lot.)</p>
<p>It was a good summer, it's a good year following. Hanging out with his friends all the time, being able to express his sexuality ("No, Dan", Maisie said, "talking about Phil tying you up and fucking you doesn't count as expressing your sexuality". It did, though, because he was able to talk about it freely, without fear of being judged), just feeling like he found his place in the world…</p>
<p>But then, things started falling apart. Maisie got into a relationship with Jason, the damn jock, Billie and Jackie started hanging out with their old friends again, Eileen...</p>
<p>And Dan was on his own.</p>
<p>It all had gone downhill from there. Dan had tried to fit in with the people from his school – it hadn’t even been about friendship, it had been just about survival, about not being so fucking alone, about not being the damn loser nobody talks to. But just in case he’d forgotten, his classmates had made sure to remind him he was still the emo, the nerd, the fa- </p>
<p>So Dan had tried to erase this person. He’d tried to be less emo, less nerdy and most of all, straight.</p>
<p>Somehow, he had made it to graduation. He’d even made some friends along the way. Were they really friends, though? After all, they were not friends with Dan, they were friends with this bland image of Dan.</p>
<p>Things were supposed to turn for the better when school was over. And he had tried to do better, he had taken a gap year after school. Earning some money and making plans for the future had sounded like a good plan, and it still did, at least in theory, but in reality turned out completely different. Dan had felt so alone, even more than before. He had still felt like he didn't fit in either with those who had left town for Uni or with those who had stayed back, he’d felt like -</p>
<p>He felt like he’d failed.</p>
<p>And that was when Lights announced their new tour.</p>
<p>~*~*~</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for your comments and kudos! ♥ now, let's take a closer look at dan and phil's relationship \o/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yet another day in the studio. Yet another day of -</p><p>"But what if I varied the bassline a bit? Like this? It would -"</p><p>Dan's phone starts vibrating, distracting him from listening to the two producers outside of his recording room. Working with an additional producer is a new experience for both Steve and him, but it's quite funny seeing how agitated Steve can get when he needs to explain his ideas to the new guy, Jacques. All the years Dan has been working with Steve, he just got to see the calm, organized Steve - apparently, this is what the inside of his head looks like: unsorted ideas, some flashes of inspiration, a lot of 'look, this sounds crazy, but -'. So when Jacques and Steve start yet another discussion - it's not only the fact that Steve is forced to talk about all the ideas flashing through his brain, Jacques questions every single decision -, Dan just drops down on his barstool, looking down to his producers, waiting and hiding his grin whenever Steve lifts his head to cast a glance at him. It's strange working that way - for both Steve and Dan - but the results are surprisingly good.<br/>
(Lucky Jacques. Dan isn't sure if Steve wouldn't have asked him out for a fistfight if the first record they tried together didn't turn out that good.)</p><p>Now, it's discussion time again. So instead of rejecting the call immediately, Dan takes a look at the caller ID.</p><p>
  <i>Oh. Oh no. Phil.</i>
</p><p>Well, it's not a big surprise per se. After all, they were supposed to get in touch with each other, to coordinate Trevor's visit. But -<br/>
Dan didn't bring himself to call Phil up to this day. He even picked up his phone a few times, confident he'd just make the call, just a few minutes of planning, and then it'd be over again.<br/>
But he couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. Just looking at the caller ID makes him feel sick.</p><p>This isn't the first time he’s had Phil's number in his contacts. But the last time it was there, it didn't just say 'Phil'. It said 'Phil ♥' and this tiny little difference makes his stomach turn upside down.</p><p>When Em gave him Phil's number, he considered picking an entirely different name in order to avoid this similarity. He even started typing 'fuckwit'. But - no, he can't. Even though it would be obvious who the number belonged to, he can't do it. He needs to spend a few hours with Phil soon, in order to make a child smile, so they need to get along. Thus, he needs to be less hostile in every way possible, starting with a more peaceful name.</p><p>Dan leans forward and taps at the microphone. Simultaneously, Jacques and Steve lift their heads.</p><p>"Gotta take this." He lifts his phone, points at it. Steve just nods, then he returns to the mixing desk. As Dan leaves the room, he can hear him continue where he left before, trying to convince Jacques of his newest idea.</p><p>In the hallway, it's all silent. Dan leans against the wall, he takes out his still vibrating phone.</p><p>Phil.</p><p>Damn, he really doesn't want to take this call.<br/>
But he needs to. After all, he can't run away, he can't just avoid Phil. One day, they'll need to prepare for the big day and damn, he wants to; he wants to help make this day special for Trevor but he doesn't want to be around Phil.<br/>
Well, it's quite easy. If he doesn't answer the phone now, he will need to call Phil back.</p><p>Dan sighs, then he presses the green button and lifts his phone to his ear.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>Silence. A rustling noise. Someone clearing their throat.</p><p>"Hi. It's Phil."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Nothing could have helped him prepare for this moment. Yes, he did dread it, yes, he wasn't too keen on talking to Phil, but -</p><p>He sounds different. That's the first thing Dan realizes. And this leads to another realization.<br/>
Dan still knows what Phil sounded like. Not in detail, maybe, but just those three words proved he still remembers their phone calls.</p><p>(So many phone calls. And he had never dreaded picking up the phone when he saw Phil's name back then.)<br/>
(And then, he had waited for a fucking call that never came. Until today, apparently.)</p><p>Dan slumps down the wall until he can sit down on the floor, his back against the wall.</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>Silence, again. And damn, it feels so awkward, so terribly awkward. Because he can tell Phil doesn't want to talk to him either, he can tell they both just want the phone call to be over but in order to end it, they need to discuss the -<br/>
Yes. That's what he'll do.</p><p>"So... Trevor's big day -"</p><p>"Yes. Do you know more about it than I do?” Oh. Dan didn’t even consider Em telling them different stories about their day. Maybe it’s because they get along so well - he was quite sure she wouldn’t keep something from him she’d tell Phil without hesitating.</p><p>“I only know that it’s supposed to be a surprise. So - I guess not. Emily just told me it’s something I know, something I do a lot, something along those lines.” If he could only remember the exact words she used… But he spent so much thought on it and he still didn’t find the solution. And maybe that’s not that bad - after all, Trevor insisted on keeping it a secret.</p><p>“Ah, okay, that’s what she told me too. So - it’s going to be about music, I guess.” Luckily, Phil came to the same conclusion as him - luckily Phil didn’t insist on comparing their interests.</p><p>“Yeah. And we should probably get together to look at some stuff before we meet Trevor.” Dan closes his eyes. Damn, it’s so hard proposing to meet Phil… It almost feels like inviting a crush on a date - just without the butterflies in his stomach, it’s just the nervousness.</p><p>“Okay.” Nothing else. Wow, Phil is as helpful as always. But just as Dan considers snarling at Phil, asking if that’s all he has to say, he adds something.</p><p>“Is it okay for you if we meet at our studio? We have our own studio and well, it may not be as big as other studios, but at least we don't have to make sure we fit a schedule. Also, the band lives close by so if we're in need for some instruments, they can just drop by."</p><p>Dan shrugs. And - yes, maybe it would have been more awkward to face each other. But at least he could just shrug, he wouldn't have to put his shrug into words. "Whatever. I don't insist on picking my studio. So..."</p><p>Well, he just doesn't feel opposed to it until he remembers something. Maybe it's Phil's still slightly Northern accent, maybe it’s a blast from the past, memories of the texts he got, of the pictures he got, pictures of a stingy recording studio based in a dull, industrial town...<br/>
Manchester?</p><p>‘Damn.’ Before Phil can answer, Dan interjects. "Wait. Where's your studio?"</p><p>"It's in London now, don't worry. We moved to London a while ago."</p><p>First, Dan feels relieved. Yes, he's willing to put in some effort in order to fulfil a wish, but going to Manchester to meet up with Phil would have been over the top. Going to Manchester because Trevor’s dream takes place there - okay, no problem, he can take a plane after all. Spending some hours with Phil - he hates it but he's willing to do it. But going to Manchester just because of Phil? Big nopes.<br/>
But then, he can barely stifle a groan.</p><p>It never stops. It never fucking stops. Dan remembers Lights used to be Manchester-based, recording their music in an industrial looking building. Phil knows Dan remembers about Manchester - the 'now' gave him away, the fact that he didn't have to point out the city where they used to live.</p><p>They can hate each other all they want. But they just can't ignore what happened a few years ago.</p><p>"Yeah, so… You can just drop by, to get familiar with the place and maybe we can make some sort of schedule or at least talk about some things we can do on that day." Phil sounds a bit hasty as he rises to speak again and Dan is pretty sure he’s trying to gloss over the fact that they know each other a tad too well. (Well, Dan hopes he does. He hopes he isn't the only one feeling uncomfortable as fuck.)</p><p>Sounds reasonable. It doesn't mean Dan likes the idea, though.</p><p>Still, he resigns himself to his fate and asks: "Okay. Could you send me a text with your address?"</p><p>Dan rests his head against the wall and he closes his eyes. Great. It's not just a few hours he'll have to endure Phil anymore. Now he will have to meet up with him several times, at least twice - once in order to prepare for the big day, once for the big day itself.</p><p>He'll survive it. It will be super awful and exhausting, but at the end of the special day, he can return home, knowing he distracted a child from their illness. And - hey, after all, the phone call isn't going that bad. No death threats, no hidden aggression, just some underlying repulsion, just a tiny bit... It's not the blinding rage Dan used to feel whenever he was around Phil before.</p><p>They can make it through their meetings. And then, he'll get rid of Phil again. Just the occasional encounters at some events - but at least they’ve learned to avoid each other by now.</p><p>It hadn’t always been like that. Dan closed his eyes and let his mind wander in the past.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>He didn't want to go home.</p><p>It was getting cold out here. Well, maybe it wasn’t even that cold but Dan's body had overheated. It had been so damn warm in that concert hall that he was now shivering a bit, even though he had already put on his jacket.</p><p>Nevertheless, he didn't want to leave the hall. He stayed in there, watching the men dismantling the scene on stage but not really because he was busy reminiscing the concert, reminiscing the moments when Phil was on that stage.</p><p>Still, he didn't want to go home. It'd be warmer on the train probably, and he really should take the train as it was a long way home, but...</p><p>He just didn't want to.</p><p>The concert had been awesome. Dan still felt that high, didn't matter that quite some time had passed since the band had left the stage and the lights in the hall were turned back on. His ears thudded, his heart raced, he couldn't stop smiling, the songs he'd just heard played in his head, over and over again. They shuffled at random because there were so many good songs, so many fantastic moments and his brain was already trying to relive them, but it just couldn't decide on one so it jumped from one to another.</p><p>It made him feel at home somehow. He felt the same way as he had a few years ago when he’d first discovered Lights. 'It's okay to be who you are,' the concert seemed to tell him, the band seemed to tell him. And finally, it felt real, it felt manageable, it felt okay. Just letting go of his worries for one evening, just enjoying the things he really likes...</p><p>And - that was the best thing about this evening - it didn't feel like it was just for tonight. Dan felt like he’d found the way back to himself. After all those years he’d spent trying to fit in, he could be who he really was again. The sometimes nerdy guy who's into emo music.</p><p>The sometimes nerdy guy who's into emo music and into guys.</p><p>Seeing Phil again was yet another highlight. It would’ve felt wrong to claim he was the main highlight - Dan had enjoyed the concert per se too much. The music, the people around him who had felt like friends, who had made him feel welcome, those moments when he had been able to forget the world outside, when he’d been able to let go, to just enjoy the moment…</p><p>But Phil had been a highlight, that was undeniable.</p><p>He was still so attractive, damn it. So fucking attractive. At times, it just struck him. Sometimes, he’d forgotten to sing along and just stared at Phil, taking in his smile, his grin, the pain on his face when he’d sung a particularly emotional song...</p><p>One of the few good things the gap year had done for him was reclaiming his sexuality. Just baby steps, just slowly coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't straight, even if he’d longed to be, just to fit in. This concert had been a really big step, though. Because – he’d felt that it was okay to be himself.</p><p>It was okay to fall for Phil again.</p><p>And that was why he didn't want to go home. Dan was scared this feeling would wear off at home, when he returned to his old surroundings. This felt like a big change, on several levels. But what if he returned home and everything stayed the same?</p><p>Dan took a corner, he could see the back side of the concert hall again.<br/>
He had wandered around always keeping close to the venue since he'd left so he could find his way back to the train station. But at that moment, he didn't felt like going home, not at all. So he stayed outside, reminiscing about the concert, enjoying his little high, enjoying the sentiment of his true self returning.</p><p>The tour bus was still there so apparently, he was not the only one still around. Just the thought of his favourite band being so close made him smile again.</p><p>Dan's gaze wandered around as he walked along the building. There was an open window on the second floor across the alleyway and Dan wondered if it was a residential home. The outside gave off rehearsal room vibes but is it actually necessary to air a rehearsal room in the middle of the night?</p><p>For a moment, Dan considered living there. You could hear the music coming from the concert hall out here, too, for sure, so you could just open your window, get comfortable on the windowsill and enjoy a free concert... Well, he’d been quite glad to be inside the concert hall a few hours ago, just listening to the music wouldn't have been the same. (And no, it wasn’t just about being able to see Phil. It was the overall feeling of being there, with so many people who enjoyed the same thing he did.) But it wasn’t necessary to get the full concert experience each time and it would make for great summer nights if you were just able to enjoy a free concert whenever you'd like to.</p><p>Well, on the other hand, you wouldn't be able to choose to have a quiet night. If this really was a residential home, they’d have to listen to every single concert. And - Lights might have been a treat. But what about the other artists performing at this venue? You might not always be as lucky as tonight. Dan wasn't sure who else performed here, he’d just seen a few posters introducing upcoming concerts, but he didn't recognize the artists. (On top of that, he was too busy being excited about his own concert.) </p><p>Dan's analysis got interrupted as he spotted something.</p><p>There was someone. There was a person at the back entrance of the concert hall, a tall person, probably around the same height as the door right behind him.</p><p>Dan gulped. What if -</p><p>What if that was Phil?</p><p>Nah. He grimaced, making fun of his naivety. Nonsense. Why would it be Phil of all people?</p><p>Well, it was the concert hall where he just had a gig. It was a back entry - why would a fan or some random person hang out there? Also, it was so late - everyone else had left by now. He was the only one still around.</p><p>Him and this strange guy at the door.</p><p>Dan took a deep breath. He could make a right turn a few steps ahead - he'd probably be able to return to the main entrance of the concert hall easily, thus being able to find his way back to the train station. Or he could just walk by the door, by the mysterious person. It was no detour - in fact, it would look more suspicious if he tried to avoid the guy. Plus, he was super curious. And nervous. Oh shit, he was really nervous. If this actually turned out to be Phil... His hand darted to his hair, he tried to fix his hairstyle. He had picked clothes he really liked and felt comfortable in when he got ready for the concert, he’d also tried making his hair look good... But several hours had passed since. Some of them spent in a warm room, not caring about his looks anymore. He probably looked a bit messed up. His only hope was that it was messy in a good way.</p><p>Dan walked on. And with every step, he got even more nervous. First, he put his hands into his pockets, then he decided it looked uncool, so he let his arms dangle at his side, but he felt uncomfortable doing so, so -</p><p>It was probably not Phil. There had been so many people at the venue, taking care of the band, of the building, of the bar, whatever. Chances were that he was getting excited over the janitor. (But would the janitor just hang around right outside the venue?)</p><p>He got closer. It didn’t help a lot, though - the person was standing in the shadows. So Dan only got a decent look at him when he was just a few feet away. And -</p><p>Black hair. Tall. Pale skin. The features he basically knew by heart after staring at images of that face so often. It was him.</p><p>It was Phil. No doubt.</p><p>Well, it could’ve been someone who looked just like Phil, but - no, no, no, this had to be Phil. It was Phil fucking Lester just casually chilling here, just where Dan happened to walk by and shit, shit, shit, what was he supposed to do? His body was murmuring 'What about fainting?' but - no, this wasn't up for discussion at all. He -</p><p>"Hi." Phil smiled at him and it took a few moments until Dan processed that he had just greeted him.</p><p>Phil Lester. Greeted. Him.</p><p>"Hi."  Dan’s voice didn't shake as much as he had expected it to. Well, that's good.<br/>
If he just knew what to do now... Was this it? Was he letting his big chance to talk to the guy he'd had a crush on for a while slip away because he was too awkward to make conversation?</p><p>There was no need to. Phil continued to speak.</p><p>"You've been to the concert?"</p><p>It seemed to be kind of a rhetorical question. After all, there was no other reason for Dan to be here so late. But - hey, Phil had asked him a question. So he was going to answer, even if it was kind of obvious.<br/>
(Phil's voice sounded hoarse, husky. No wonder, after all, he'd stressed his voice for several hours that night. But damn, it was so hot. So raspy and -)</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>He wondered if he should go into detail about how much he had liked it. How happy the gig had made him feel. Or say something a bit more harmless - that it had been a really good concert and he approved of Phil's performance. Again - he couldn't make up his mind because Phil was faster than him.</p><p>"Awesome."</p><p>Phil smiled. And -</p><p>He seemed to be giddy. The joy in his voice, the way he smiled, the way he hopped up and down a bit...</p><p>And suddenly, Dan felt more relaxed. This wasn't some untouchable, aloof star. This was just another human being, just another guy who happened to like music a lot.<br/>
No, that wasn't the point. It -</p><p>It was more than that. Phil was just - a nice guy. Nicer than you'd expect a rock star to be, but also nicer than many people Dan knew. No sign of arrogance, instead he beamed at him like Dan had just bought the first copy of the album he put on an unlabeled disc.</p><p>It's adorable. And at the same time -</p><p>"You're still excited when you see people who showed up to your concert?"</p><p>It was okay to make fun of him, something in Phil's way told him that. Just like Phil didn't care showing his joy. And he was right. Phil rolled his eyes at him, but the smile was still there.</p><p>"Yeah. It's... I don't know, I don't feel that way during a concert, it's just overwhelming standing in front of a crowd, but... Seeing someone outside, just a random person I've never met before and knowing this person likes our music... That's cool."</p><p>That made Dan loosen up even more. Phil had just taken the time to explain something personal to him and he was just so human and relatable and -</p><p>Damn, he'd love to spend more time with Phil. Just chatting a bit (he wouldn't be opposed to something else, too, though), listening to Phil's raspy voice, seeing Phil smile, looking at his damn blue eyes...</p><p>Well, why not? Normally, if he would've been around Phil for a few minutes, he would've probably shat himself and tried to get away. Because after all, he was just an awkward fan.</p><p>But talking to Phil made him feel different. And - hey, Phil was casually chatting with him. So why would he leave? In fact, Phil seemed to be glad to have someone to talk to.</p><p>Thus, Dan gathered all his courage and asked: "So... What are you doing here, all on your own?"</p><p>He sounded a bit... flirty, Dan realized. This could have been a casual question, but the undertone -</p><p>It wasn't super obvious. But if Phil was open to some flirting, Dan put something out there for him. (Wow, he hadn't even planned to do this. But he still fancied Phil so there was nothing wrong with taking his chances, Dan decided.)</p><p> Phil looked into the venue briefly but soon his eyes returned to Dan. "I'm on a break, kind of. The rest of the band is taking care of the instruments and stuff."</p><p>A smile. Was it -?</p><p>Damn, there was something about Phil, about talking to him, that made Dan feel all giddy. Some kind of thrill, some - some spark between them. Maybe Phil was actually interested in him, maybe Phil didn't just talk to him because no one else was around. Dan's stomach did a little somersault at that prospect.</p><p>"And they don't need your help?"</p><p>Again, Phil rolled his eyes. But then he got serious all of a sudden. "Concerts are kinda overwhelming. I need some time on my own afterwards."</p><p>'Some time on my own'. Dan's stomach dropped. "I guess I should leave, then?"</p><p>Oh, no. He'd actually thought Phil had felt comfortable around him. But no, instead he had interrupted his alone time. Phil was just too polite to -</p><p>No time for his mind to spiral. Phil shook his head violently, then smirked at him and that smirk made the hair on Dan's neck stand up. (In a good way. That's for sure. Just add the raspy voice to this smirk and it didn't take that much more for him to get a boner. Right then and there.)</p><p>"Nah, it's okay. You're cute."</p><p>Well -</p><p>That's not what Dan had expected. Not at all. Phil had just called him cute. And -<br/>
It wasn't about the rock star anymore, it wasn't about Phil, lead singer of the band Lights, anymore. It was about the Phil right in front of him, this black-haired, super attractive guy he really enjoyed chatting with. Dan bit his lip and he returned the grin. Then he decided to go for the only way he could handle this compliment: Sarcasm.</p><p>"So after every concert, you're hanging out right outside the venue, on the lookout for some groupies?"</p><p>Phil wasn't offended. (Phew. Dan was a bit worried for a moment. But damn, he just didn't know how to react properly to a guy like Phil calling him cute.) He laughed as he leaned forward to nudge his shoulder.</p><p>"Nah, not really. Guess they aren't waiting at the venue for us. Martyn says they're waiting at the hotel most of the time."</p><p>Sentence after sentence after sentence, Phil managed to hit the bullseye. So he wasn't just talking to Dan because he was looking for some random guy to fuck?<br/>
(Hopefully, this didn't mean he wasn't up for a fuck.)<br/>
Dan was about to ask Phil whether he was experienced with the hotel groupies, but again, Phil was faster than him.</p><p>"Okay, I've got to go to the gas station now. I'm craving some Haribo and we passed a gas station on the way here."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, no.</p><p>Well, it was nice while it lasted. But damn, Dan wasn't ready to let go. He really, really liked Phil a lot - after all, he had fallen for him years ago. The Phil he'd met here was something else, though. He felt so comfortable around him, didn't matter that he was a bit starstruck in the beginning. And he still fancied him so much.</p><p>He knew it couldn't last forever. But ugh, they'd just started talking. This couldn't be all, damn it.</p><p>Well. It wasn't.</p><p>"Wanna join me?"</p><p>The tingling sensation in his stomach, on his arms, was back. It wasn't over after all, it wasn't over.</p><p>Also -</p><p>This wasn't just some casual chat, some 'I've got nothing better to do anyway' conversation. Phil actually wanted to spend time with him. Dan couldn't tell what it meant exactly, he didn't dare hope for anything but hey, this was a start and he was totally willing to work with that, so he agreed.</p><p>Not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all, Dan realized just a few moments later when Phil was about to take a wrong turn - Dan had already spotted the bright lights of the gas station on his trips around the concert hall. Phil tried to assure him his plan to go shopping wasn't actually just a trap, Dan loved to see him getting flustered as Dan pretended he didn't believe him...<br/>
(God, it was so easy to - just be himself around Phil. No need to pretend he was cool, no need to make up a fake persona. Somehow, it felt okay to be the real Dan with Phil.)</p><p>The shenanigans went on in the gas station. Phil didn't head over to the sweets immediately, instead he tried to advertise some motor oil to Dan. </p><p>Dan couldn't stop giggling about it and it just felt so natural to step a bit closer, especially when Phil casually put his hand on his back and let it linger there for a moment. </p><p>Next, they looked at the magazines, Dan pointing out Phil's favourites. Then, finally, the sweets - Phil took quite a while to choose, though. While he just stood there, contemplating the different brightly coloured bags, Dan just looked at him and -</p><p>Damn, he was happy, he was actually happy. But at the same time, he slowly realized their little trip was coming to an end. As soon as Phil picked one bag, they would be out of here and then -</p><p>No. It couldn't be over yet. Not with Phil acting so trusting, so intimate, so - he wasn't afraid to get close, not at all, and the way he touched Dan, the way he looked at him...<br/>
He couldn't be just making this up. There was something going on, there must have been something going on. You can't just get along so well with someone just to go separate ways barely an hour later.</p><p>Phil seemed to have made a decision. He took a bag off the rack, then he turned to Dan.</p><p>"Good choice?"</p><p>Dan barely noticed the kind of Haribo he'd picked. He was a bit out of it.</p><p>Fuck, he didn't want to leave. He didn't want to go back home, Phil turning into a faint memory, Phil being someone he used to know, someone he casually talked to. Because it wasn't casual - because it was more than casual.</p><p>"Yeah, guess so."</p><p>Did Phil notice? He looked at him and he seemed to be - worried?<br/>
But then, the moment was over and he was his old giggly self again. Nudging him at the shoulder, saying 'let's go' without actually saying it...<br/>
(They didn't need words anymore. And yes, this was super simple, you don't have to be soulmates to understand a sign like that, but - still.)</p><p>They walked through an aisle, heading to the checkout. That was when Phil started pondering.</p><p>"Okay. Do I need anything else?"</p><p>Yet another rhetorical question. After all, they got here because Phil needed Haribo - he was holding a bag of Haribo in his hands - mission accomplished. Or was it an invitation to continue their motor oil joke? Whatever it was, it was a clear sign that their shopping trip was almost over. Phil would pay for his sweets, then they'd leave the gas station, maybe they'd walk back to the venue together, but that would be it. Maybe, Phil would call him a cab but then, their story would be over.<br/>
Dan didn't want it to be over yet, though.</p><p>He took a deep breath, looked at Phil. What if -</p><p>Oh. Wait. He spotted something, right next to Phil. Condoms. Fucking condoms. Some lube, too, as far as he could tell, but seeing the condoms was enough already.</p><p>Damn, this couldn't be just a coincidence. Phil asking about what else to buy when they were right beside the condoms? And even if it was - this was too good of a chance to just let it pass.</p><p>Really?</p><p>Yes. No doubts. He longed for Phil. He wanted to be close to him. He would've been content with just keeping up the conversation, but damn, he definitively wasn't opposed to sex either.</p><p>Dan took a deep breath, then he nodded at the shelf next to Phil.</p><p>"Yeah. What size do you need?"</p><p>The expression on Phil's face as he turned his head to look at the products Dan was pointing out...<br/>
Oh no. Had he been wrong all along? Was Phil actually straight? Had he decided to hang out with Dan either because he was bored or he was just a nice guy? He looked puzzled, surprised and Dan's heart dropped. Of course, he had taken a risk when going for Phil and he knew basically nothing would happen if he missed. After all, he wouldn't see Phil again anyway if he didn't reciprocate his feelings.<br/>
Still, it would be so awkward. And he didn't need Phil to tell him -</p><p>Oh, wait. He -</p><p>He smiled. A smile was spreading on Phil's face as he looked at Dan and it turned into a grin. Then he just turned around and grabbed one of the packages -</p><p>Holy shit. This wasn't happening, was it?</p><p>Yes, it was. Phil just answered his underlying question.</p><p>Phil wanted to have sex with him.</p><p>"Are you coming?"</p><p>It took him a few moments to process it. Phil was already walking over to the cashier - he turned around and his grin was so teasing, but at the same time, he looked like he was really looking forward to -</p><p>to having sex with Dan. </p><p>Oh wow.</p><p>"We've got plans, after all." </p><p>Once they were out of the store and prying eyes, Dan shoved his hands in his pockets and stood beside Phil awkwardly, thinking of what to say next, but once again, there was no need to worry at all. Phil looked super confident when he called a cab for them. "My place, I guess?"</p><p>Dan nodded. "Yeah. I don't live here."</p><p>He lost some of this confidence, though, when they sat down next to each other on the back seat of the taxi, Dan picking the middle seat because there was no damn reason to keep his distance from Phil anymore.</p><p>Phil lifted his arms, but then he shot a questioning glance at him.</p><p>"Is it okay if I -"</p><p>If he put his arm around Dan. Oh shit, yes, totally - the prospect was so overwhelming, Dan only managed to nod. And then, there it was, Phil's arm around his shoulders. It felt so natural to just lean against Phil, feeling his body, smelling him, taking in all the sensory impressions at once and fuck, he was pretty sure he could even feel Phil's heartbeat, racing.</p><p>Oh, if only he knew how to go on from here... Dan felt super comfortable right now and oh boy, he was still aroused, he was definitely looking forward to getting to Phil's place - the hotel where he was staying, probably. But shouldn't he make the car ride... sexier?</p><p>He wasn't that experienced with one night stands. And he didn't know how to do cab rides to the hotel room of a fucking celebrity sexy at all.</p><p>Well, there was no need to find a solution yet. Phil got out his phone and he started typing.</p><p>"Just letting my brother know I'm already on my way to the hotel." Then, he turned the phone off. </p><p>Just a few moments ago, Dan was pondering on how to make their conversation sexier. But maybe, that wasn't what they needed. Maybe bantering was a better way to keep themselves entertained until they got to the hotel. After all, bantering seemed to work quite well for them.<br/>
(It made Dan feel so comfortable around Phil. It was something intimate somehow, and knowing they were already at a level where it didn't feel like walking on eggshells when they teased each other felt really special.)</p><p>"Hey. What would you do if I decided to kidnap you right now?" Dan asked. </p><p>Dan lifted his head so he could look at Phil and Phil looked down at him, grinning.</p><p>"Okay. Do it."</p><p>"You wouldn't be able to call Martyn in that case."</p><p>"That's totally fine."</p><p>Well -<br/>
His skin tingled in a really pleasant way. Sure, he didn't plan on kidnapping Phil but him admitting he'd be up to almost anything...<br/>
It was still overwhelming. Even though he realized by now they were actually going to have sex.</p><p>Even after the kidnapping conversation, there was no need for Dan to come up with some sex talk. Phil asked him about his favourite animal out of the blue, then he started making animal noises and -<br/>
Damn, how can someone be hilarious and adorable and still kind of sexy at the same time?</p><p>He breathlessly laughed as he leaned forward, pretending to bite him in the shoulder. Pulling him even closer. Looking at each other for a few moments in silence, just looking and - if they weren't in the cab, they'd kiss, that's for sure. It was already so hard to restrain himself and Dan could tell Phil felt the same way.</p><p>As they arrived at the hotel, Phil handed the driver some money and murmured "Keep the change." They headed out and Dan barely resisted the urge to grab Phil's hand because he couldn't stand being away from him. He wanted to be close again and just the thought of them finally being on their own when they’d made it into the hotel helped him to keep himself under control.</p><p>Heading through the hotel's lobby distracted Dan from his longing, though. There was a guy at the reception and Dan felt like it would take just a look at them to figure out what they were up to. Phil kept his head low, though, and the receptionist didn't take notice of them. (It made Dan wonder if Phil was experienced in smuggling guys into his room. But - whatever. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that he was smuggling Dan into his room.)</p><p>Phil led him to the elevator, taking out his room key to check the number before pressing the button for the right floor. The door closed and -<br/>
They were on their own, Dan realized.</p><p>It didn't count, though. Neither Phil nor him made a move, they kept their distance - damn, he really wanted to kiss Phil, he wanted to hug Phil, he wanted to -<br/>
But not in the elevator. It still felt too public.</p><p>A 'ping' interrupted the silence. A long hallway. Phil checked his room number again. Then they were at the right door and Phil unlocked it and -<br/>
As soon as he closed it, there was no way for Dan to hold back anymore. He just -</p><p>His hands were on Phil's shoulders. Phil's back hitting the door. Phil dropping the bag with his groceries - then he wrapped his arms around Dan, pulling him even closer. And then -<br/>
Dan kissed Phil.</p><p>At first, he expected Phil to push him away - he couldn't even tell why, if it was his anxiety or if Phil actually recoiled. But he forgot about it the next moment. Phil put his arms around him, he pulled him closer, he - it felt like he clung to Dan, desperate to finally be close to him.<br/>
He kissed him back. No restraints, no inhibitions and you could tell the kiss was long overdue, that they had both longed for it to happen. They had both longed for it to happen. It was - it was an overwhelming thought. Realizing that Phil actually fancied him, realizing that Phil actually wanted to kiss him...</p><p>He couldn't focus on it, though. Because there was so much else to focus on.</p><p>His hands in Phil's hair. Soft streaks of hair that he just couldn't stop touching, he just couldn't stop running his fingers through it.</p><p>Phil's lips. Damn, he knew how to use them, that's for sure. But it wasn't like he was just working through a coursebook - the way he kissed Dan was so longing, so -</p><p>Phil's hands. On his hips, on his back, on his shoulders, on his arms... They left goosebumps wherever they touched him.</p><p>Phil's body pressed against Dan's. So close, so close, and damn, he longed for that proximity, he wanted to feel Phil, he wanted to kiss him and now he was and it was so good, so damn good.</p><p>Phil's lips on his cheek, right under his ear, on his neck -</p><p>"Don't."</p><p>Phil withdrawing, not even considering asking for a reason. He just kept going - returning to Dan's mouth, kissing him again and again and -<br/>
Skin on skin. Phil's naked skin under his fingers and Dan couldn't resist, he let his fingers run up and down Phil's body, taking in every little bit, every little hum Phil made.</p><p>They made it to the bed somehow. Even more bare skin. Phil's hums turning into groans as Dan's hand wandered down, reaching his crotch.</p><p>The last bits of clothing - gone. Somewhere on the floor, they didn't care anymore. They just cared about -</p><p>Phil's legs around his waist. Phil moving against him. Their dicks rubbing against each other. Then -</p><p>Phil was inside him. Phil on top of him. Phil kissing him again, erratic, rashly. His hair between Dan's fingers, again, Dan picking up a soft groan as he pulled on it by accident. Dan's nails digging into Phil's back as he held on, as he clung to Phil, gasping for air because his body didn't want to focus on breathing anymore, it was just about his erection, about Phil fucking him, about -</p><p>Soft kisses, gentle kisses. Phil holding him, Phil holding him close, whispering something in his ear and Dan was quite sure even Phil couldn't tell what he was saying.</p><p>It was all calm just moments later. Dan waited for the pang of guilt, waited for the moment when he regretted what he had just done. It never came, though, and Dan wasn't particularly sad about it.</p><p>No, this hadn't been a bad decision. It hadn't been a bad decision to talk to Phil or to go to his hotel room with him. It hadn't been a bad decision to sleep with him. Yeah, they had met just a few hours ago, still he -<br/>
He felt comfortable.</p><p>He still felt comfortable. His head resting on Phil's chest, Phil's arm around him, his fingers stroking his shoulder... Phil made no move whatsoever to throw him out right after sex, so they got comfortable in bed, Dan snuggling up to Phil, Phil pulling him even closer.</p><p>And they were talking. Out of the blue, Phil asked him for his favourite Lights song. He laughed awkwardly and oh, Dan could tell he felt uncomfortable talking about his band in this situation, but it was the one thing they both had in common, so Dan totally got why he picked this question. That's why he didn't hesitate to name a song and Phil beamed at him and started talking about the song, about the meaning of the lyrics and ugh, he enjoyed listening to Phil so much. Especially when he was talking about something that was so important to him.</p><p>Then, they were both silent again. (Just like Phil didn't actually want to talk about the band, Dan felt awkward asking him something about Lights, as if they were at a meet and greet.)<br/>
Well, that was until Phil came up with another question.</p><p>"Where are you from?"</p><p>Dan blinked. "I live close to Reading."</p><p>"Oh. That's not exactly close."</p><p>Dan couldn't quite tell if he was comfortable with the direction their conversation was taking. This was about 'home' and it was just one more step left to reach 'going home' and he didn't want to talk about that. He tried to avoid the topic just so he could stay at Phil's side as long as possible. (Of course, it would suck to spend the next few hours until the first train arrived on some bench at the train station. Leaving Phil would be even worse, though.)</p><p>"Yeah. I picked one of the first concerts so I could go to some more if I liked it."</p><p>Phil moved a bit, making Dan abandon his spot on Phil's chest. They came to rest facing each other, Dan put his arm on Phil's hip and it just felt so natural. Being close. Getting close. Touching each other.</p><p>"So... Did you?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>Again - Phil's giddy smile. Phil's excitement about someone attending his concert, about someone liking his concert, it was still pretty surprising yet very adorable.<br/>
What if there was more to it than that? What if Phil asked because he wanted to know if he could see him again? If they could meet up again? Oh, he would be so down for it.</p><p>No, Phil had something different on his mind.</p><p>"Do you want to stay here for the night? I don't want to let you drive home now?"</p><p>Something different but - oh, Dan wasn't complaining, not at all. Relief flooded his body, he felt all giddy. There was no need to leave Phil. Well, also, there was no need to spend the night at the train station which was quite awesome too.</p><p>Dan smiled. "I'd love to. I got here by train and I guess the last train is gone by now."</p><p>Phil raised his eyebrows and laughed. "Yeah, probably. Didn't take into account you might take longer, hmm?"</p><p>"Well, I didn't plan on doing - this."</p><p>Dan nodded at Phil and he understood. It felt good somehow, to let him know he didn't have sex with him on his mind from the start, that he didn't plan on finding him at the venue, on making Phil take him to his room. Because - that was not who he was. Of course, he hadn't been opposed to sex with Phil, but he had gone to the concert for a different purpose.<br/>
No need to use more words on this. </p><p>Phil got closer, he stroked Dan's cheeks, then he leaned forward to kiss him.</p><p>As he pulled back again, he smiled. "I'm glad you ended up here anyway."</p><p>Thus, Dan stayed the night. They didn't get a lot of sleep, though. Instead, they shared Phil's bag of Haribo, they cuddled, they looked at the stars - and they talked. It wasn't particularly interesting, as they were both quite tired and their thoughts weren't that coherent anymore, but just chatting a bit, talking about nonsense, was completely sufficient.</p><p>The next morning, they both got the blues. Phil hugged him for quite some time before they left the hotel room, kissing him over and over again, Dan clung to his jacket, not willing to let go because letting go actually meant letting go, going home, leaving Phil behind, leaving what they had this night behind. And waving Phil goodbye as the train left the station... It hurt, it actually hurt.</p><p>There was one comforting thing, though. The little piece of paper with his phone number scribbled on it he had managed to slip into Phil's pocket. But what if Phil didn't want to stay in touch?</p><p>Dan had to wait a few hours for the answer. He just entered his room as his phone tinged, announcing he had a new message.</p><p>'Hi, Dan. It's Phil :]'</p><p>Dan dropped his bag on the floor, he flopped himself on his bed. His heart beat fast, he just couldn't stop grinning. Phil had actually texted him. Phil had wanted to kiss him, Phil had wanted to make out with him, Phil had wanted to spend the night with him - and now, Phil had texted him.<br/>
It wasn't over.</p><p>Before Dan could think about a response, there was yet another message from Phil.</p><p>"Didn't expect that, eh? ;]'</p><p>Idiot. Of course he'd worried about Phil throwing away his number, making fun of this stupid little fanboy who just didn't understand the meaning of being a groupie. But - somehow, he just couldn't believe it. It didn't fit the Phil he got to know.<br/>
Besides, it hadn't been that absurd that he wondered if Phil would actually text him. After all -</p><p>'You didn't try to keep in touch'</p><p>Phil didn't keep him waiting. Obviously, he wanted to explain himself.</p><p>'That was up to you. I had already broken a one night stand rule by asking you to stay the night'</p><p>Dan rolled his eyes. He still smiled, though. Yep, that was the Phil he got to know the previous night. (That was the Phil who made him all giddy again just with a few texts.)</p><p>Again, he wasn't able to type a response. There was a new message from Phil.</p><p>'Nah, I hoped you'd come to one of our next concerts. After all, you now know where to find me.'</p><p>Dan closed his eyes, he just couldn't stop smiling. So Phil did hope they'd meet again... (So Phil had no right making fun of him. No need to point that out, though. Dan was busy enjoying his latest realisation.)<br/>
Another ting. Another message.</p><p>'Giving me your number was a better idea, though :]'</p><p>~*~*~</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>no ice cubes here. sorry. :D (i'll leave the innuendos to you.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm back on a schedule, ayeeee! expect weekly updates - i hope it will work out. (i'm bad with regular updates, but i'll try my best :D)</p><p>today, it's time to solve some mysteries........</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm not going to sing one of your songs, Lester. Shove it up your ass." There's a clearly audible sneer in his voice, Dan notices with a certain sense of satisfaction. And for a brief moment, Phil flinches. But then, he's back to his old self, rolling his eyes at him.</p><p>Meeting with Phil is... A mess. God, it hurt so much when they stood in front of each other, speaking for the first time in years. But the longer he looks at Phil, the more time he spends around Phil, the stronger his rage gets. He just can't stand being around Phil. It makes his intestines squirm, it makes him feel so - so bad. Showing Phil his feelings, letting Phil know his opinion about him hasn't changed, helps a bit, though. Even if it feels like he brought his evil twin here, the one who enjoys hurting people.</p><p>Normally, he doesn't do stuff like that. But Phil hurts him just by being around him so he's totally okay with hurting him back.</p><p>Dan tried to approach Phil with an open mind, he really did. Didn't last for too long, though. They hadn't even passed the doorstep to the studio yet when they started their first argument - Dan told Phil about his idea that Trevor might want to do a Q&amp;A but Phil just shrugged it off. How was he supposed to keep his composure in this situation? It was impossible. So they started arguing.</p><p>And they still haven't stopped.</p><p>Phil's first contribution was proposing they sing a song. Singing is their entire career so chances are Trevor would love to see how they do their jobs - how recording the vocals for a song works. Or they could even sing with Trevor if he wanted to join them.</p><p>It’s not a bad idea, Dan has to admit. Well, the idea per se - it still sucks, after all. How are they supposed to sing a song together? He's not willing to sing a Lights song, that's for sure. Too many bad memories there.</p><p>"Well, I didn't plan to act like I actually liked one of your boring ballads either."</p><p>It hurts. It hurts even though he knows why Phil said that. He just wants to get back at him for his comment about Lights songs. Dan doesn’t even give a shit about Phil’s opinion so he shouldn’t bother. He still does, though.</p><p>Damn, he doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't want their meeting to go this way. He can't stand the rage, the bitterness…</p><p>But he can't be peaceful around Phil. They can't be peaceful around each other.</p><p>"Let's go for Muse for now," Phil adds, a bit calmer now.</p><p>Shit. It hurts too. In a completely different way, though.</p><p>Muse. Of course, Phil would propose Muse. After all, that's his favourite band. This on its own already sucks a lot - damn, he wishes he didn’t know Phil's favourite artist. But the memories of their story... Listening to Muse together because they both liked the music so much. Getting excited over the new album together. Planning to go to a Muse concert one day.</p><p>It doesn't matter how hard they try. They just can't erase their past.</p><p>"Phil. You may not believe it but there are people out there who aren't into Muse. And there's a high probability Trevor is one of them. He's too young."</p><p>"Well, do you have a better idea? We won’t sing one of our songs, at least for now, so we need to find something else."</p><p>No. No, he doesn't. But it wears him down, the constant fighting wears him down. Senseless arguments. Discussions with no actual results. They can't agree on anything or find any solutions both of them actually like. And yet, they both want this meeting to be over as soon as possible. It’s a vicious circle and Dan just doesn’t know how to get out.</p><p>So for once, Dan gives in. Muse it is, that's better than any Lights song and at least he doesn't need to prepare that much, he already knows the lyrics. When Phil puts his music library on shuffle, they settle on the first song that comes up and it looks like their meeting is finally taking a peaceful turn.</p><p>It doesn't last long, though.</p><p>"Fuck. Your voice is too deep." Dan takes off his headphones, he slams them on the table. Phil does so, too.</p><p>"Oh, yes? My voice is too deep? Maybe it's about your voice, Howell. Listen to the Muse version. Your voice just doesn't fit. Maybe you should just stick to your bland music."</p><p>He - He didn't just say that, did he?</p><p>Oh yes, he did and Dan is absolutely not willing to let it slip, to suck it up for the sake of their project.</p><p>"Oh, that's rich coming from you. Maybe we should autotune your voice, just like on your records." It does feel quite satisfying to see Phil's appalled face. Well, he didn't expect that when he decided to get into an argument about singing with the ballad boy.</p><p>"We don't autotune my voice, Howell." Oh, soft spot? He basically spits it at Dan.</p><p>"Sure. With all the programming you guys do, you can't tell me you don't use it on your voice, too."</p><p>"We don't. I don't need it. I'm perfectly fine. And the numbers agree, too."</p><p>Dan scoffs. "Ah, right. The pseudo fans you attract by now look good as numbers, do they? Do you also have some statistics on the fans that left because your new music sucks?"</p><p>"Ah, yes. Fans like you. Fans who call me a freak. Well, guess what - I'm glad I got rid of those."</p><p>This time, Phil scores. Dan feels like he’s been punched in the stomach, like he's about to throw up. ‘Back away, back away, as fast as possible, but without dropping your guard, without making Phil feel like he scored.’</p><p>"You guys used to make decent music." It sounds so weak - and yet, it's effective. Phil's face drops, he doesn't look that angry anymore, instead, he looks - hurt.</p><p>"I can't sing like I used to and you know about that, Dan."</p><p>Dan. He called him 'Dan'. Not yet another insult, not 'Howell' - 'Dan'. And it hits hard, it hits so hard, Dan just can't stand it. He can't stand hearing his name out of Phil's mouth again, he can't stand Phil talking about their past...And he can't stand the memory, on top of all.</p><p>"Why should I know about it? Nobody ever told me."</p><p>Phil opens his mouth but he closes it again without saying anything. He's pale, so pale, paler than usual. Still, his voice sounds firm when he addresses Dan.</p><p>"I guess you should leave now."</p><p>Oh, so Phil is throwing him out? Phil is making him leave? Well, he's not exactly making him leave but he's asking him to leave. He's right, though. For once, Phil is right. This just doesn't make sense, they just can't get along, no matter how hard they try. There's no way they can prepare for Trevor beforehand, Dan just needs to hope for the best - maybe Trevor picked something they don’t need to prepare for, maybe they can ignore each other when Trevor is around.</p><p>Dan grabs his bag, he looks at Phil. Well, at least this Phil doesn't remind him of his past self - he was never that angry, he never had this kind of hatred in his eyes when…</p><p>There's no need to say goodbye, Dan decides as he leaves the studio. They can stick to formalities when they're around the Make A Wish people. Until then...<br/>
No need to be courteous around Phil.</p><p>Not when Phil hadn’t even extended that courtesy to him when it mattered the most. </p><p>~*~*~</p><p>The next few months were so much better than Dan had expected his gap year to be. He travelled the whole country to go to Lights concerts and damn, the show was awesome, even after the third and fourth and fifth time. After the concerts, he met up with Phil - and yes, they did have sex. But it was more than just about having sex. Dan stayed over every single time, of course. On top of that, he tried to stay as long as possible every time, leaving the hotel only when the band did, too. After a while, their texts weren't just about arranging the next meeting anymore. They enjoyed being around each other, they enjoyed spending time together, even if it was only via texts. And it was overwhelming - to know that Phil felt the same as him, that Phil felt just as comfortable as he did.<br/>
Still, Phil's invitation to the Isle of Man came as a huge surprise.</p><p>Dan never saw himself as some kind of groupie - the way Phil treated him from the first time they met never let this thought occur. It wasn't a one night stand anymore either, obviously. And they had some kind of friendship going on. Still, the invitation was a huge step for them. Something completely new, something exceptional, something that didn't just happen by itself, like their friendship did.</p><p>It felt good, though, so good. After all, you didn't invite a groupie to your parents' holiday home, did you? It was a clear sign that is wasn't just about sex anymore for Phil either.</p><p>Dan agreed at once, of course - in no way he'd decline such an offer, spending several days only with the guy he really liked, no appointments, no sneaking, just them and the island. Dan assumed that the fact that he got fired from his job just a week before he actually came was one of the reasons Phil had decided to ask him over; to make him forget about it. But Phil didn't mention it and so Dan kept quiet about it too.</p><p>The night before the trip, Dan could barely sleep, though. Of course, he was excited and this excitement was a big part of why he couldn't fall asleep, but the later it got, the more his anticipation got tarnished by his pessimism. What if they realized they couldn't stand being around each other? After all, the circumstances under which they’d met were special - what if they weren't suited to share their daily routine? They wouldn't know until they’d experienced it, they only knew what it was like spending the nights together, rushing out the next morning. What if they didn't have anything to talk about? Or if they already shot their bolt when they were texting? What if they just didn't get along as well as via text, or when they were spending not that much time together?</p><p>Wrong, wrong, wrong, all wrong, Dan's fears all turned out to be wrong. The trip to the island was amazing, being around Phil all day and all night long was amazing. And it left Dan yearning for more.</p><p>For the first time, they didn't rush. No concerts, no appointments - like that time Phil had asked him to spend the break in between two concerts with him. This time there was no need to get up early in the morning, no need to make the most of the few hours they had with each other. It did them so well.</p><p>They simply lived together - they took care of the house, of their meals and so on. But mostly, they spent their free time together. Staying in bed all day long. Phil talking about his favourite anime (no need to keep an eye on the time. He could just ramble on and on and on and Dan could tell how much Phil enjoyed it.) Watching the anime afterwards. Falling asleep on the couch while watching yet another movie. Making breakfast together - messing up the pancakes the first time they tried but then getting the hang of it. Extended breakfast - just sitting at the table, eating, talking, for hours on end. Singing together. Phil complimenting his voice again and again, Dan blushing each time because receiving compliments for his singing was strange per se, but coming from one of his favourite singers... Going on walks because - yes, staying in bed all the time did have its perks, but it would have been a pity to miss out on the Isle of Man. Playing games - first, they started with some PlayStation games because in their texts, they had talked about both liking games. At one point, Phil got out a board game and it was so much fun. Conversations, so many conversations - about some nonsense because after all, they didn't have to make sure to make the best of their time anymore so they could indulge in senseless discussions just for the joy of it. But also some really serious conversations. Phil opening up to him. Dan opening up to Phil.</p><p>A huge step. The invitation per se had been a huge step already, but the trip brought them even closer together, it made Dan realize how much he actually loved Phil.</p><p>And then, he was on the train back home again and he felt like shit. He was bawling his eyes out and his chest hurt. It hurt so much because he couldn't stand being away from Phil, because leaving Phil was so hard - so much harder than before. (It had been hard before, on that first night because he didn't even know if they'd meet again, and every single time after that... But nothing compared to this kind of pain.)</p><p>Dan just wanted to exit the fucking train that took him away from Phil at the next station so he could hop on another that would bring him back. But damn, he couldn't, he needed to return back home and Phil needed to return to his band. They'd meet soon again at yet another concert, but it just wasn't the same; it just wasn't the same as living together with Phil in this little house on the Isle of Man. Yet, it was better than leaving Phil behind, than being on his own and Dan just couldn't stop crying.<br/>
(Why did it hurt so much? Why did it fucking hurt so much?)</p><p>To distract himself, to keep himself from crying (and the woman on the other side of the aisle from staring at him, wondering what had gotten into the lanky emo kid), Dan tried to focus on the good things. Slowly, he started to piece memories together, memories that had made this trip so special, memories that were part of the huge step they had made.</p><p>Phil resting his head on his lap, looking up at him, smiling. "I want to stay here forever. I have everything here that makes me happy. Food, games... and you."</p><p>Phil telling him "I love you" over and over again. Whispering it in his ear when they were watching a movie. Shouting at him to drown the noise of the waves hitting the rocks. And everything in between. Telling Phil he loved him. Watching Phil light up every time when he did so. His heart racing because it felt so overwhelmingly good to be able to talk about his feelings.</p><p>Dan teasing Phil, mentioning he wasn't an actual rockstar. Phil getting all serious, telling him taking a fan to his hotel room was the most rockstar thing he's probably ever done. "But well, I fucked that up, too. You don't take a groupie to your parents' holiday home." Phil making sure to let him know he didn't see him as a groupie, and he has never done so.</p><p>Talking about relationships, finally talking about relationships - still tiptoeing around the topic as no one really had wanted to put it into words, but still -</p><p>They were both scared. But they were in love and - Dan just blurted it out one day. He just told Phil he'd love to be his boyfriend and Phil smiled at him, taking his hand and - Dan couldn't stand it. He'd had to add the big '... but'.</p><p>He was scared of commitment. Sure, when they were on their own, there was nothing better than being with Phil. But the world just didn't look like that. He still didn't know what to do with his life - gap year Dan had found a solution to be with Phil but what would happen as soon as he picked a career? How could they keep going? Would it be foolish to make plans when the future was so uncertain?</p><p>Also - damn, he wasn't even out to his parents yet. Could he be in a relationship with a guy if he wasn't even able to come out to the people closest to him? (He vividly remembered the concert closest to his home. Oh, he would have loved to take Phil with him, to show him his home, to show him a new part of himself. But he just hadn't dared, not knowing how to explain to his parents why the singer of his favourite band was staying over. So instead of having Phil in his bed, they had gone for yet another anonymous hotel room.</p><p>Dan wouldn't have dared to talk about all these issues if it wasn't for Phil agreeing with him - if it wasn't for Phil talking about his worries too.</p><p>You just couldn't be in a serious relationship with all those gigs, Phil had told him. He'd feel bad for his partner, he'd have the feeling he didn't treat his partner the way he deserved it. And being in a relationship bore so many risks... Phil still hadn't come out and he didn't plan to do so soon - he was too scared of the reactions, he just wanted to keep doing what he loved.</p><p>They had been so damn reasonable. Oh, if they had just decided on running away so they could be together…</p><p>The lady across the aisle started reading a gardening magazine. Still, she shot a judging glance over the edge of her magazine every now and then. And Dan just couldn't stop crying.</p><p>Well, that was until the sadness started to make him feel determined. He needed to be with Phil, he couldn't stand being away from him. Also, he didn't want to return to their casual hookups - well, for a start, they would and damn, he looked forward to the next meetup, a lot. But still - he wanted more than that.</p><p>And -<br/>
It couldn't be that difficult, could it? After all, they loved each other.<br/>
(They fucking loved each other. Phil had told him he loved him. Dan had told Phil he loved him and damn, he'd meant it, he really did, especially after the days they spent together.)</p><p>Dan's first idea was to join the team around Lights. Travelling with the band, maybe selling merch - after all, he had quite some experience selling stuff. (Even if he had been fired from his last job for pretending to be sick to attend every Lights concert he could.) Also, at the moment, he didn't even have a job so this would actually be an improvement.<br/>
But what should they do when the tour was over? There would be no need for a merch vendor anymore and Phil -</p><p>Phil would be in Manchester. That's where Lights' recording studio was. Him and his brother Martyn shared a flat in Manchester, close to the studio and when they weren't on tour, they -</p><p>"In that case, I'll just move to Manchester."</p><p>At first, this thought sounded ridiculous. But - why? After all, he wanted to leave his hometown, go to another town to study anyway. So - why shouldn't he go to Manchester? Why shouldn't he apply for the University of Manchester?</p><p>For the first time since he had hugged Phil goodbye at the train station, Dan actually felt a spark of hope, a spark of joy. Damn, this was perfect, this was the solution they were looking for! Of course, it didn't solve all of their problems - Dan still had to consider telling his parents why he'd picked Manchester of all places, they still had to be careful, not showing any signs of being in love on the streets. Phil would still go on tours, leaving him behind for some weeks. But they could live together, they could be together, they could be a couple...</p><p>As soon as he had arrived home, Dan started looking up everything he needed for a move to Manchester. And oh, he was lucky - he still could apply for the University of Manchester. (He also applied to some unis in nearby cities, just in case.) The plan started to grow and Dan was so excited about it, so damn excited.</p><p>Dan didn't tell Phil, though. He almost burst with excitement the next few times they met because it felt so good to actually work on a solution for their relationship but he didn't want to tell Phil until he knew everything would work out. Instead, he enjoyed what they had at that time. </p><p>It still hurt quite a lot when they had to part ways again - not as much as after their trip to the Isle of Man but more than it had used to - but it was so good to see Phil again and again and the prospect of actually being together soon, after Lights' tour, after Dan's gap year...</p><p>And then, one day, all of a sudden, it was all over.</p><p>Lights announced a press conference. Dan was a bit taken by surprise - it sounded so serious but Phil hadn't told him either about the press conference or about anything important enough for an unscheduled press conference. (And they did talk a lot about the band since their little trip.) So Dan tuned in.</p><p>Just seeing Phil's face told him something was wrong. He was pale, a few shades paler than usual, he just stared at his hands, sometimes glancing at Martyn - it was obvious he didn't feel good at all and damn, it really hurt seeing him this way.</p><p>It was Martyn who rose to speak. His voice trembled, he got muddled and he didn't even talk about the reason for the press conference yet.</p><p>But then, he did. And his words were clear and strong and you could tell he prepared to say them.</p><p>Phil's voice couldn't handle their music anymore. It hadn't been doing that well for quite a while now, but the tour put an additional strain on it. It had become worse the last few days so Phil decided to go to the hospital, to see some specialists.<br/>
Martyn took a deep breath.</p><p>"Phil lost his voice. He needs surgery and the doctors aren't sure he'll be able to sing again."</p><p>Another deep breath.</p><p>"Without Phil, Lights wouldn't be the same anymore. So we're breaking up. This is the end of Lights."</p><p>Dan switched off the broadcast, not able to bear more of it. His heart raced, he felt all dizzy.</p><p>Lights breaking up. Phil losing his voice.</p><p>Phil not being able to sing anymore. Phil just sitting there, not able to talk. Phil losing the access to music, to the one thing that was so important to him.</p><p>Damn, why hadn't he told him? Why had he -</p><p>Suddenly, a few things started to make more sense. Phil's raspy voice - it had seemed natural to Dan, but of course, something wasn't okay, Phil wasn't supposed to have a sore throat after every single gig. The appointments Phil had told him about, without disclosing their nature - doctor's appointments, it's so obvious now. And - Phil avoiding phone calls recently. Phil had told him he couldn't talk to him, they couldn't phone, but then they had texted for hours so time obviously wasn't the issue. It was his voice, it was the issues with his voice all along. And of course, Dan was upset because Phil had never told him, because Phil had glossed over the fact that he was suffering, but -</p><p>There was something more important. Phil's suffering. Phil being in pain, Phil losing something so dear to him. And even if he hadn't wanted to let Dan in earlier - at that moment, by attending the press conference, by letting Martyn talk about his problems, he finally let him in.</p><p>Dan got out his phone at once, dialling Phil's number. He couldn't tell if Phil was actually able to talk to him or if his voice was completely gone, but he had to try, he had to show Phil he was there for him. (If Phil couldn't talk to him, he could just decline the call and text him instead. But he'd know that Dan cared about him, that Dan wanted to be there for him.)<br/>
Silence. A signal tone.</p><p>"We're sorry. The number you have dialled had been disconnected. Please check the number and try again. If you need help, hang up, and then dial your operator."</p><p>Dan removed the phone from his ear, he stared at the display with Phil's name on it, with Phil's number on it, still able to hear the repeating message.</p><p>"Were sorry. The number you have dialled -"</p><p>It was over.</p><p>"The number you have dialled had been disconnected."<br/>
"The number you have dialled had been disconnected."<br/>
"The number you have dialled had been disconnected."</p><p>~~~</p><p>This should've been a good day. This had been a good day, actually - Dan had checked his video stats first thing after waking up and somehow, his latest video had been taking off overnight. His videos were getting more and more popular, but this increase in such a short time was incredible and -</p><p>Sometimes, he still couldn't believe it. He had started casually uploading some videos of himself making music - playing the piano, singing a song he wrote - when university had sucked again and he had wondered once more why he had decided to study law if all law was about was learning texts by heart. But people had actually liked it. </p><p>He had gotten more and more clicks, his next videos had been quite popular too, and by then, he'd actually started to make a living off YouTube. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to drop out of uni and focus on making music - it was enough to make him dream of actually having a career as an artist one day.</p><p>So this day had actually started in quite a pleasant way - yet another step towards his career, a tiny step but still a step.</p><p>But then he had received this message. A message by a user called AmazingPhil.</p><p>AmazingPhil wasn't exactly a stranger to Dan. He had spotted him before, commenting on his videos. Complimenting his voice, sometimes even his looks, complimenting his songs, replying to him on Twitter... Normally, Dan valued comments like that. But he had spotted the 'Phil' right at once and it had made his stomach turn. He couldn't make out his profile pic, so his brain had run wild.</p><p>Well, 'Phil' was a quite common name. Chances were this had been just some guy called Phil, not the Phil Dan had expected. It had been ridiculous to get paranoid about just reading the name, it had been ridiculous to be scared of every single guy called Phil just because the guy who had broken his heart was called Phil.<br/>
That was until he had received the message.</p><p>
  <i>Hi, Dan.</i>
</p><p>He could barely read the text. Dan's head spun, the lines became blurry in front of his eyes, it had arrived as a text wall but he couldn't manage to read them one by one, his gaze jumped, returned, jumped to the end -<br/>
And his heart felt like an ice cold hand had wrapped its fingers around it.</p><p>
  <i>I'm sorry.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I miss you so much.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'm glad -</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Can we talk, please?</i>
</p><p>That was it. Dan's vision got all shaky, he clenched his jaw, he -</p><p>He felt a burning sensation in his stomach. Fear, anger, disappointment, some weird mix and oh, whatever it was, it made him feel so bad.</p><p>His fingers trembled as he typed the answer. Dan didn't even take his time to reread it, to consider actually sending it - he just hits enter.</p><p>"Leave me alone I don't want to haveanything to. Do with you, freak."</p><p>He still was blind with rage as he scrolled through his latest YouTube comments, looking for one of Phil's comments. He still was blind with rage as he opened Phil’s Twitter profile, resisting the urge to read his latest tweets, blocking him there too.</p><p>He still was blind with rage when he went to bed that night. His heart was still racing, his throat felt constricted, his eyes burned. But no, he wouldn't cry because of Phil. Not again.</p><p>It probably hadn't been necessary to block Phil everywhere. Dan felt his message had been quite clear, Dan felt he'd gotten the point across - that he hated Phil.</p><p>It had been. Phil never tried to contact him again. But one day, Lights reunited. </p><p>Phil's voice had recovered and they had changed their style of music to fit his voice, to favour his voice. They didn't have to start from scratch, their fans still remembered them even after a few years. And soon, they gathered new fans, just when Dan's videos started to get really popular and he was able to make an actual album.</p><p>Things are now going well for both of them. Sadly, this means they get invited to the same events. And seeing Phil again proves that he was right. Phil hates him back.</p><p>~*~*~</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Today, we'll take a closer look at Phil's band, 'Lights'. Any similarity to bands living or dead is purely coincidental and unintentional.</p><p>:D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan never considers contacting Phil again to prepare for Trevor's big day after all. There's no way he's going to call Phil, saying he's sorry about their argument, about the things he said, asking if he could come back and maybe even asking if Phil would forgive him. He said what he said, he -</p><p>Well, he can't say he doesn't regret his behaviour on that day. It was a bit harsh, it was a bit over the top, that's true. Still, no need to say sorry, no need to make Phil feel the things he said were okay.</p><p>Still, Dan somehow passes Lights' studio when he's on a walk through London. He doesn't even know how he ended up there - he was busy listening to music, letting his thoughts drift, when he realized he knew this street, he knew this building, he knew this door.<br/>He won't apologize. He won't call Phil because it could look like an apology. But -</p><p>It's unfair towards Trevor to just give up. He can't just let go after the first try, he can't let this day turn into a disaster. Just like he thought in advance - they need to put aside their anger as it isn't about them, it's about Trevor.</p><p>One more try. And if Phil fucks up again, he has enough reasons to leave and never return, at least until the day they meet up with Trevor.</p><p>Thus, Dan rings the bell next to the door, preparing to face Phil again, to tell him they need to work on their little project, without making him feel like he won, like he made Dan cave in.</p><p>There's no need to do so, though. When the door opens, there's not a tall guy with black hair facing him but a rather small woman with bright red hair. Dan believes he remembers her face, she's part of the band. Cornelia, the bassist?</p><p>"Hi there."</p><p>"Hi. I -" Dan doesn't get to finish his sentence, Cornelia interrupts him.</p><p>"Oh, you're Dan Howell, aren't you? You want to see Phil, I guess. You work together for the Make A Wish thing, right?"</p><p>"Eh... Yes." He's a bit overwhelmed, admittedly. Cornelia is talking so fast - and she's not Phil. He was preparing to shove aside his rage and instead, there's Cornelia, casually chatting with him, smiling at him, just being so friendly... That's not what he expected, not at all.</p><p>"Well, come in, then. He's inside." Thus, she turns around, entering the house, clearly expecting Dan to follow her.</p><p>"Cornelia, wait." Luckily, she stops to face him again. There's still a smile on her face. (Damn, why did Trevor pick Phil? Why didn't he go for Cornelia? It would have been a bit awkward to work with Phil's bandmate, they'd probably have met a few times, but Cornelia is so much more pleasant to be around.)</p><p>"You don't have to call me Cornelia, sweetie. Just call me Corn. What's the matter?"</p><p>Dan swallows. Cornelia - Corn - looks at him, waiting patiently for his objection.<br/>How the hell is he supposed to explain that he doesn't want to be around Phil? That they'll probably end up fighting again? That it wasn't a good idea to come here?<br/>He can't. So he decides to go for a white lie instead.</p><p>"Nah, I'll just leave. Don't want to disturb you guys. I'll just text Phil so we can meet again when you don't have a band meeting."</p><p>Corn laughs, a high, clear laugh.</p><p>"Oh, you're not an obstacle, don't worry! We're just hanging out, jamming a bit, nothing serious. It's okay if you claim Phil for yourself for a while."</p><p>Damn it. So - what should he do now? There's no way to convince Corn to let him off the hook - she wants him to be reunited with Phil. But facing Phil will result in yet another discussion, that's for sure and he wasn't ready to face it just like that but adding Phil's bandmates being around…</p><p>He feels like he can't do it. But at the same time, he doesn't actually have a choice.</p><p>Corn is glad he joins her. On the way to the studios, she starts asking about their project and Dan's got to admit they didn't even prepare anything yet. It's not his fault, though, he hastily points out, it's also because of Phil.</p><p>She grins at him. "Oh yeah. Phil. He's quite a mess, isn't he? But don't worry - once he's got his head out of the clouds, he's brilliant."</p><p>A mess. Well, yes, Dan agrees. Just not in the way Corn thinks. He won't point it out to her, though. Leave her the illusion… (No, that's not even what's it about. Corn is probably right, in her own way. Phil may be super creative and cool to work with - when he doesn't need to work with Dan. It hurts a bit to realise it, to realise Phil isn't actually this unbearable - it's a conscious decision, he actually decided to be that way around Dan, just for Dan. Admittedly, Dan does the same - he knows he's not really the nicest person on earth when he's around Phil and he can be actually nice. Still, it feels so strange. But this isn't the right moment to ponder on their past again.)</p><p>Thus, he just keeps smiling at Corn, neither confirming nor denying her claim. Luckily, she doesn’t have a chance to ask about their issues as they arrive in front of a door. Corn opens and -<br/>As soon as he enters, there's a little girl with pigtails right in front of him, looking up to him.</p><p>"Hi." The little one beams at him, her missing front teeth clearly visible.</p><p>"Hi there." Dan shortly lifts his head, becoming aware of the other people in the room. There's a bunch of them - and Phil is there too. What a pity. He focuses on the girl again as she pipes up.</p><p>"I'm Darcy. And I'm going to the Harry Potter place."</p><p>Someone laughs. It's the other woman, Dan notices as he lifts his head. He doesn't recognize her - he's quite sure he's never seen her, though. Her braids are quite remarkable - there are some highlights in different colours.</p><p>"Oi, Darcy. Give the poor guy a rest." Her northern accent doesn't fit her appearance, though. He'd expected something... cooler. (Now that him and Phil are enemies, apparently, it's totally okay to judge the North again.)</p><p>Dan hastens to defend the girl. "It's okay. We're chill, I guess. Are we?"</p><p>The girl's smile got even bigger. "Yeah, we are. I'm going to see Hedwig. And you won't."</p><p>"Darcy!"</p><p>Again, the woman - Darcy’s mother, apparently - chimes in. But as he takes a closer look at her, Dan realizes her good-humoured expression. The only reason she scolds her daughter is because she should, not because she feels like it. Maybe she even enjoys her kid's shenanigans. Dan would too, after all - the small one is quite fun.</p><p>Out of the corner of the eye he can see Martyn shoot a smile at him before he turns around to face his monitoring desk. Phil stands right next to him, back to Dan, focusing on the buttons in front of them.</p><p>‘Yeah, nice to see you too.’</p><p>Corn's hand on his back distracts him from his charity partner. She pushes him into the room so she can close the door behind him. Then, with a cheerful voice, she starts introducing the people in the room.</p><p>"Guys, this is Dan. Say hi. Over there, at the computer, is Martyn. Guitar and programming." Martyn turns around again, lifting his hand. Dan nods at him. Ugh, he actually feels a bit nervous about him - after all, he is Phil’s brother and what if Phil told him about what happened between them? He can stand Phil's wrath, no problem with that, at least it's mutual. Dan wouldn't know what to do if Martyn hated him too, though. But Martyn seems to be quite chill. His smile looks real, there's no repulse in his attitude.</p><p>"You already know Phil." No reaction whatsoever. Whatever Phil is looking at right now, it must be super interesting.</p><p>"Then, there's Lee. Drums." It's the other person Dan already knew. The rather short, stocky guy was already part of the band when Dan still considered himself a fan. His reception is quite friendly, too - he smiles at him and Dan wonders if they really don't know about him, don't know about the things he and Phil did (he does hope that Phil kept the details to himself if he actually talked about him, though) or if they're just good at acting. Maybe they manage what Phil fails at - keeping a straight face until the shitshow is over.</p><p>"Next to him - Louise. Our chief designer. Oh, and also Lee's wife." Oh, he didn't expect that, to be honest. But now that he knows Lee and Louise are married, he can't unsee it. They're both so good-humoured, they radiate some kind of cosiness - they seem to be that kind of couple you could easily drop by to have coffee any time of the day.</p><p>"And of course - Darcy. Their daughter. Who's going to the Harry Potter place tomorrow." Corn smiles at the little girl who's still standing next to Dan, looking up to him.</p><p>"And you aren't." Her glee is kind of cute. Still, Dan decides to sass her back.</p><p>"Hmm. Who knows. You could do my work here and I'll go see Hedwig instead. I'll say hi from you."</p><p>"No! I'm going to see Hedwig!"</p><p>"Oh yes, let's do it. Just the two of us." This time, it's Lee who steps in. He ignores his daughter's pleas, smiling suggestively at him, even raising an eyebrow flirtingly.</p><p>Dan doesn't get to respond to his advances, Louise interrupts. "Hey, I wasn't the one to drop out, I'm still on."</p><p>Lee's tone is less flirty now and more conciliating. "No problem, darling. Of course, you can come with us." Then, he's back to flirting again. "Dan's cute, isn't he? We can share. I always wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship."</p><p>Well, that's not where he expected things to go when he rang the bell just a few moments ago... Darcy stops his dad from getting more suggestive, though.</p><p>"Daddy, what's a poly-"</p><p>"I guess we should head out now." All of a sudden, Phil is back in business again. He looks at Dan but his face doesn't reveal any feelings. Just the poor attempt to save Lee from explaining his jokes?<br/>(Or is he actually jealous? But - why? God, this is a mess and Dan decides to just let it rest.)</p><p>"Oh, Dan, just so you know - we also got a regular meeting room, we just happened to hang out here." Corn lets him know. But before he can tell her he already knows because Phil showed him the different rooms, Martyn decides to take part in the conversation, too.</p><p>"Yeah, I wanted to do some work here. On my own. And as you can tell, they didn't catch the drift."</p><p>Corn just rolls her eyes, she grins at Dan.</p><p>"Hey, we brought you a cup of coffee. Well, we brought you what was left after Phil spilt it. Hey, Dan, you can have some, too."</p><p>"Nah, I'm fine, thanks." Dan glances over at Phil. The way his face dropped when Corn mentioned his accident... He knows Phil is clumsy - he was so before and he didn't expect him to change it. But a few years ago, he used to be okay with it. He knew his weakness but he didn't get upset about it, he just laughed it away. Why does he get pissed now, then?<br/>Dan already knows. Well, at least he can guess and it's a pretty good guess. It's because of him - Phil's pissed because he's here, sure, but he's also pissed because he doesn't want to look weak in front of him.</p><p>Maybe he should be gleeful. But - he can't. Dan just feels bad. Damn, he doesn't expect them to be best friends, he doesn't expect them to return to what they had before the big breakup, but it would be so much easier if they could just be acquaintances.</p><p>He isn't the only one who notices Phil's reaction, though. Dan's quite sure he sees Martyn casting a questioning glance at his brother, Phil shaking his head slightly - and then, Corn decides to enquire.</p><p>"What's the matter with you, Phillie?"</p><p>Again, he doesn't look happy. Oh, is it the nickname now? But then he forces himself to smile. "Nothing, Cornie. I just hope you can spare Dan now."</p><p>Phil nods to the door and Dan understands. It's time to leave Phil's friends alone, Phil needs to deal with him now. But before they get to leave the room, Lee pipes up.</p><p>"We'll be heading out now, too."</p><p>Oh, lucky Phil. Hopefully, he doesn't feel like an outsider anymore now, hopefully, he doesn't feel like Dan takes away his friends anymore now. Okay, there’s Martyn and Corn still left and especially Corn might have been a bit too friendly to Dan for Phil’s taste, but at least three people who interacted with Dan are leaving now.</p><p>Dan stands aside as they all say goodbye. For a moment, he considers taking out his phone so he won’t look that awkward anymore, but then his gaze falls on Phil and he keeps watching him. He hugs every member of the family, he even crouches down so Darcy can put her arms around him. Then he lifts her up, twirls her around a bit. Dan catches a glimpse of his face. He beams, he seems to be happy - at least for a few moments, at least until he returns to Dan.</p><p>Then, Lee turns to Dan. His smile is full of joy - he’s looking forward to their trip just as much as his daughter and he doesn't mind sharing his joy with Dan. And again, Dan wonders why Trevor just didn't pick the whole band, why Trevor had to pick the only unbearable member of the band. (The only member who broke his heart.) But suddenly, his smile changes. "Have fun."</p><p>Shit. He knows.</p><p>Dan can't tell why he's so sure of that, he can't tell why he thinks that way, but - no, he knows for sure. There was something in Lee's look. In the way his smile grew softer. This wasn't just a joke, he actually meant it, he actually wants them to have fun. He knows that something was going on between Phil and him. Maybe he doesn't know they parted ways, maybe he doesn't know why they parted ways, maybe he knows and he just decided not to pick sides - maybe he decided not to pick sides because it makes no sense, because they both made mistakes, in his eyes.</p><p>Whatever it is - he knows Phil and him had a thing. It's not speculation, it's not because he may know about Phil's sexuality and guessing Dan's and then trying to put one and one together, it's not baseless teasing either.</p><p>It's over in a blink. Lee moves his head, he looks at Phil again and this time, it's just teasing. He winks at him, then he adds something. "Maybe, I'll join you later. If we're back early..."</p><p>Louise rolls his eyes, he grabs Lee's arm. Her smile at Phil and Dan is still super bright, though. "Okay, we'll leave you alone now. Bye, guys!"</p><p>The last thing Dan hears is her scolding Lee. "God, stop hitting on the poor guy." He can't help but smile - at least until he notices something. 'The poor guy'. Is it supposed to be him? Or did Louise talk about Phil? Does Lee hit on Phil? Was Phil jealous because for a change, Lee hit on Dan? No, it makes no sense, Lee seems to be super happy with Louise and their little girl. It hurt, though. The moment Dan considered the possibility of Lee and Phil having a thing... It hurt. Shit.<br/>(No big deal. It's just - maybe he's the one who's jealous. Not of Phil, not of Lee, but of Phil having a love life. It's unfair, Phil shouldn't be happy as long as he isn't.)</p><p>The rest of the group dissolves just as quickly. Corn announces she’ll leave for the apartment so poor Martyn can finally do his work - he tries to apologise to her with a kiss. Dan is just able to shoot a quick “Bye” at the two love birdies before Phil leads him out of the control room and to the meeting room. There, they sit down on opposite sides of the table, facing each other.</p><p>"Okay. What do you want?"</p><p>Dan is taken aback. Yes, he didn't expect their second meeting to go smoother than the first one, but - It's obvious why he's here. And last time, Phil was at least willing to accept him visiting.</p><p>"We didn't finish last time."</p><p>Phil's face stays neutral and Dan actually considers reaching out to smack him in the face. Damn, he can't stand him, he just can't stand him. He really tried to keep it together, meeting the band plus family made him feel a bit calmer too, but it takes just a few minutes with Phil on his own to make him angry again.<br/>But then, Phil leans forward a bit, putting his hands on the table.</p><p>"Yeah, we didn't. So... I guess we won't sing anymore. Just hope that Trevor doesn’t want to sing a song with us."</p><p>Dan actually feels a bit relieved. Of course, Phil wanted to make him look like a loser for returning, but hey, Dan didn't provide him with a target. He just dropped by randomly, he never said sorry, he showed no sign of weakness.</p><p>Well, then… They’ve got some work ahead of them.</p><p>“What else could we prepare?” Dan is surprised at how calm his voice sounds. He’s still not quite relaxed but hey, maybe they’re on a good way now. Maybe they’re able to finally work together.</p><p>No. They aren’t. He knows for sure as Phil makes a suggestion. "What should we wear?"</p><p>Is he kidding?</p><p>No, apparently not. Neither his tone nor his voice show any signs of making fun of him - and Dan doesn't expect any other kind of humour. So he actually seems to be serious.</p><p>Maybe Dan should just take a deep breath and swallow all his negativity. After all, Phil seems to be willing to work without arguing now. He isn't, though. He just can't. Even though he just felt so calm… It’s all gone again. It’s just not possible to properly work with Phil and this time, it’s not about feeling so, so bad around him anymore, this time it’s because Phil’s suggestion is of no use. And it makes the rage boil up in him again.</p><p>"Really? Are you serious? You know, one of the few good things about you is that you're part of a real band, not a boyband. Should we dress up like we’re in a boyband, eh?"</p><p>Bad idea, really bad idea. Phil gets up again, his chair screeching over the floor because of how much force he uses to push it back. He looks angry, so angry, his knuckles turn white because of how hard he is clenching his fists.</p><p>"Wow. Very funny, Howell. You know what? Talking to you sucks. I know you wouldn't talk shit about it if it was Louise who proposed it. I saw that it's absolutely not a problem for you that my band changed their style when you're around the other members. Letting you come here again was a mistake."</p><p>Dan gets up, too. He's got to admit that Phil is right but that’s no excuse to talk to him like that. It might have been if Dan was the only aggressor, but after all, Phil isn't exactly the angel he just paints himself as.</p><p>"What about you sulking, hm? What about Corn asking you if everything was alright? You don't even want to get along with me, you want to be mad at me, you want to hate me." Phil's about to interrupt him, Dan can tell, but he just keeps on talking. "Okay. I'll leave. But don't get too happy about it. It's just for now. We need to get this shit done and I want it to work out, for Trevor's sake."</p><p>Dan doesn't take his time to drop by at the control room to say goodbye to Martyn - to be honest, he hurries so he won't cross his paths by accident. There's no way he'll explain to him why he's already leaving again. Phil can take care of that if he wants too. It's his band, his brother after all.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>Yet another day. Yet another argument. By now, Dan is getting used to the abrupt goodbyes with Phil - well, you can't even call them goodbyes as there's nothing good about them, it's just about getting rid of each other as soon as possible.</p><p>This time, he can't just disappear, though, leaving Lights behind him, focusing on his own stuff. (His own music. His own problems - problems that have nothing to do with Phil. Enjoying his free time.) Just as he's walking by the entry to the control room, Martyn opens the door. He stops in his tracks seeing Dan - apparently, he just wanted to get a cup of coffee, he didn't wait behind the closed door, ear pressed against the wood, to catch him.</p><p>"Oh, hi Dan. Are you already finished for today?"</p><p>Finished... Well, they were done. With each other, that is. So Dan just shrugs. "We talked about some stuff."</p><p>They actually did. It's not a lot, it's the bare minimum, but at least they now have a list of what Trevor could expect them to do. They never reached this point before. To be honest, Dan expected them to talk about the things that could go down on Trevor’s big day when they met the first time so they could do a few preparations in the following meetings but hey, he’ll take what he gets.</p><p>First, it seems like Martyn is content with this information, like Martyn is willing to let him off the hook. But suddenly, his expression changes and he seems to remember something.</p><p>"Oh, by the way - Phil asked me to show you some stuff in case your Make A Wish kid wants to get a studio tour or wants to talk about making music. Well, he asked me to show it to both of you but he already kinda knows his way around and - It's just the two of us and I've got some spare time. You're in?"</p><p>Is he? Well, he doesn't want to spend more time in Phil's proximity than necessary, but at the same time, he doesn’t long for his empty apartment. Also, Martyn is a chill guy - and maybe Phil will just avoid him when Dan's around.</p><p>So Dan agrees. He takes off his jacket again but when he wants to head to the control room, Martyn stops him."Wait. We're going somewhere else first."</p><p>"Oh. Getting coffee?"</p><p>Martyn laughs. "Yeah, coffee, too. But I had something else in mind. Just wait."</p><p>Ah. He's going to lead him to the basement and handcuff him so Phil can beat him up. Because of course, Phil told him about the guy who was so rude to him and Martyn is a responsible big brother after all.<br/>No, he trusts Martyn.</p><p>Rightfully so, he realizes a few moments later as Martyn opens the door to a room Phil hasn't shown him before. There are several keyboards on one wall, in another corner, there's a guitar stand and each guitar looks different, also some amps, some more technical equipment...</p><p>"Wow." Only as Martyn looks at him, still smiling, Dan realizes he just said that outloud. But - hey, it's the truth. This room is amazing. It's rather small, it's crammed but it's full of amazing stuff. The view is really satisfying for Dan's instrument loving side.</p><p>He takes a step towards the keyboards. Nice selection... "Are they yours?"</p><p>"Yep. I use them for programming mostly, but I'm trying to learn to play the piano. I'm not as good as you, though. But I’ve practiced a lot. Had a lot of free time on my hands before we decided to revive Lights..."</p><p>Wow, Dan didn't expect the compliment. He doesn't really know how to handle it - he's bad at accepting compliments in general but coming from Martyn, it's even more special. He respects Martyn a lot, he's a great musician. And maybe it's because he used to like Lights so much... (After all, Martyn hasn't turned his back on him. So he never lost his respect for him.)<br/>Luckily, Martyn mentioned something else and Dan decides to focus on it.</p><p>"Were you ever mad at Phil because of your - break?"</p><p>"No! No, not at all." Martyn denies it at once and his undertone... He sounds so convinced, so shocked almost, as if Dan just proposed something completely out of this world. "He's my brother, after all. And I just wanted him to get better again. I did miss making music and I'm super glad we were able to return to the stage and all, but I would never be mad at Phil for getting ill."</p><p>Oh, if he just felt the same way... Of course, Dan isn't angry at Phil for losing his voice. But the things that followed, sucked. Well, he was mad at Phil’s way of dealing with the (temporary) end of the band even if Martyn wasn't. (He still is.)</p><p>Okay, that's yet another awkward topic - it may not look like it to Martyn, but Dan fears this conversation could take a turn he doesn't like. It's just too close to the fatal moment that made him hate Phil. So he picks another part of Martyn's statement.</p><p>"You actually know my music?"</p><p>Martyn giggles. "Oh, sure. Everyone does, I guess. But -"</p><p>A big sigh, all of a sudden. And Martyn's smile disappeared.</p><p>Okay, what's going on now?</p><p>Yet another sigh before Martyn explains his reaction. "Phil... I don't get this guy. You know, I know your music because of him. He used to watch your videos all the time when you weren't that popular yet. And now, he's grumpy when you're around and he's so harsh with you. I don't get it."</p><p>Oh. So he really doesn't know. He has no clue what's going on between him and Phil. He doesn't know they had an affair, he doesn't know Dan was willing to commit to Phil, he doesn’t know that the announcement of Lights breaking up had more impact on Dan than on any other fan, he doesn’t know that for Dan, it wasn’t just the end of his favourite band but also the end of - whatever he and Phil had at that point. Luckily, he also doesn't know they fell out with each other - he doesn't know about Dan's text.<br/>He doesn't know why they can't stand each other.</p><p>Dan forces himself to smile. "It's not that bad. Sometimes, you just don't get along."</p><p>Martyn's look stays skeptical. Still, he's willing to drop the topic as Dan starts to ask him questions about his keyboards.</p><p>Crisis successfully averted. Phil should be really thankful.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>Get out of here. Just - get out. Dan doesn't even bother that it's the back door - he'll find a way. Either he'll just hang out in the backyard or he'll try to find a way back home from there, he just needs to get away.</p><p>Same as usual. Storming off seemed to be quite a good way to deal with Phil. But oh, this time, it's worse.</p><p>Dan wrenches open the door, he stumbles outside. Just your typical backyard - grey, featureless walls towering all around, some dustbins, a bike, that's it. But Dan doesn't give it too much attention, he just keeps walking. He walks down the few steps, clinging to the railing because his legs tremble and he's quite thankful for the assistance, then he turns the corner and -</p><p>"Hi, Dan!"</p><p>Oh, shit. That's not what he had in mind, not at all. Dan turns his head and yep, he actually recognized the voice, he was right with his guess. It's Corn, sat on a stack of pallets, lowering her phone as she gives him a broad smile.</p><p>It just takes her a few seconds to change her expression, though. The smile disappears, instead she gets all worried. And - just like always, Corn isn't afraid to express herself. "Oh no. What's up with you?"</p><p>Dan clears his voice, he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. Too late - Corn already saw that he's crying. Nevertheless, Dan tries to play it off. "It was an exhausting day. I was at the studio all day long and then, I came here and - well. We did get a lot of shit done, though."</p><p>Unfortunately, Corn is having none of it. "Sweetie. You're crying."</p><p>Yeah. Well. Can't argue with that. Dan lowers his hand. "Guess so."</p><p>Admitting doesn't help him escape the awkward situation, though. Corn pats the spot right next to her, indicating to Dan he should move his ass over to sit next to her or... (It's strange how she can come off as threatening and caring at the same time.)</p><p>Of course, Dan doesn't dare to oppose her. He takes a seat on the pallets too, leaning his back against the wall. And for a short moment, it's okay to just close his eyes and take a deep breath. Damn, he needs to calm down, it really wasn't -</p><p>Then, the moment is over as Cornelia addresses him again. "Okay, sweetie. What happened?"</p><p>"We had yet another argument." Dan resumes. Of course, this isn't enough to make Corn stop asking further questions, but - it's a beginning.</p><p>Another argument. Damn, he should be used to it by now. It wasn't even a bad argument, they had worse before and he never started crying in front of Phil until today. But when Phil made fun of his hair, made fun of his curls...<br/>Shit, it wasn't even something that made him feel helpless, something he couldn't use for a counter-attack. After all, it was a clear case of double standards - after all, Phil had admitted he liked Dan's curls before.</p><p>Dan's hobbit hair, as he used to call it back then. And when Dan remembered those times...</p><p>Lying in bed next to Phil. Just them, in the small house on the Isle of man. Holding hands while taking walks alongside the coastline. Phil telling him he loved him, his eyes so full of light, of love.</p><p>Lying in bed. Phil's fingers running through his hair. Phil telling him he loved the way his hair felt. Dan hiding his face in the pillow, murmuring that he didn't get to straighten it and that the salt in the air made it even worse - that he had his awful hobbit hair. Phil giggling softly, kissing the parts of his face he could reach. Phil announcing that he loved his hobbit hair. That it made him look so cute. That he liked his straight hair a lot, but he liked the curls too - that he'd probably find Dan attractive even if he was bald but that it wasn't about that because it wasn't just 'I don't mind', he actually liked his hair.</p><p>He remembered what it felt like when Phil loved him. And -</p><p>Damn, he can't even tell why it hurt so much - why this was the final straw. But somehow, it was. It made him break down. Right in front of Phil, without even letting him the chance to retort something, to make Phil feel bad in return.</p><p>Well, he did make him feel bad. At least he made him feel uncomfortable. As Dan lifted his head, he saw Phil's look and - he didn't make fun of him. Phil just felt so uncomfortable, he had no idea what to do. (At least he cornered Phil this way. Just like Phil did it so often during their meetings.)</p><p>Surprisingly, Corn doesn't ask about the nature of their argument. Instead, she sighs, moves her head from side to side... Then she has a different question in store. "What's going on between the two of you? You're both such sweethearts but when you are together, it's... It's such a mess. And I just don't get it."</p><p>They look at each other and the concern in Corn's eyes...</p><p>Maybe he should tell her. Let her know about their relationship that never actually became a relationship. Tell her that Phil broke his heart. It bothers him so much and Corn is there for him, Corn is willing to help him, to listen to him, to -</p><p>He just speaks his mind. "Well, we’ve met before."</p><p>'met'... Yeah. They did meet. But the little word doesn't do it justice. When they ‘met before’...</p><p>A dark hotel room. Stars clearly visible from the bed. Pointing out some star signs they just made up. Phil's sore voice after every concert. Still, he never felt the need to shut up, still, they spent hours talking. Phil's moans. Phil's naked body. Phil's -</p><p>No. Shit, he can't do it. He can't tell Corn. Even if he'd love to, even if he feels the need to let her hug him, to just tell her everything, even if her eyes tell him it's okay. It's not okay, not at all.</p><p>After all, she's the girlfriend of Phil's brother. It may feel that way but she isn't neutral, she's no outsider. Yes, she doesn't know what's going on but she's on Phil's side. Doesn't matter how much she grew to like him already, how much she worries about him - Phil is Martyn's brother, Phil is the singer of her band, Phil is her priority. She will take his side.</p><p>Dan forces himself to smile at her. It's okay, everything is alright, he was just a bit agitated and unfortunately, the agitation turned into tears. But it's over now, it's okay now. "We just don't get along."</p><p>It doesn't come as a surprise that Cornelia doesn't buy it at all. She raises an eyebrow, then she moves a bit closer to him, lifts her arm and even though Dan dropped the idea of hugging Corn and confessing everything, he would totally be okay with her putting her arm around him - with having a bit of closeness.</p><p>But then, there's a sound. A metallic rattle. Corn lowers her arm again, she turns her head in the direction Dan came from. Oh, the door - the stairs. Someone is coming this way, probably, just like he did a few minutes ago.</p><p>Yes. Indeed. Someone turns the corner and then - Phil's right in front of them, lifting his head in surprise as he spots the duo on the pallets. "Oh. Hi Corn."</p><p>Cornelia sighs in exasperation and Dan can tell she's still in her "ugh, why don't you guys get along?" phase. If she could, she probably would lead both of them inside, lock them in a room and only let them outside again if they were able to get along. (Well, it could take a long time. If she didn't provide food and drinks, they'd probably starve first.)</p><p>Still, her voice is all sweet as she addresses Phil. (A bit too sweet. She's not happy at all with Phil's behavior, with Phil just greeting her.) "Hi, darling."</p><p>Silence. Phil won't say anything else - he proceeds to stare at his shoes. Corn dangles her legs from the edge of the pallet. And Dan - well, he just sits there, hoping that the moment will be over soon. That someone will have the guts to interrupt the awkward silence. (No, he's not the right one. His recent talks with both Phil and Corn weren't exactly pleasant, building on them would make things even more awkward.)</p><p>It's Corn who decides to free them after a few uncomfortable minutes. "Okay, Philly. What do you want? Do you want to talk to me or to Dan?"</p><p>Phil doesn't lift his head as he answers. It gives away that he doesn't feel as relaxed as he tries to make his words sound. "Sorry, Cornie, but - Dan. Don't be angry at me."</p><p>Corn snorts. "Yeah. Don't worry. I'll get over the heartbreak eventually." Thus, she jumps down from the pallet, leaving Dan alone. Oh, he would love to reach out to her, to ask her to stay - he just can't stand being alone with Phil anymore. Well, to be precise, he can't even stand being around Phil and maybe he'd just leave if Dan told him he'd prefer to hang out with Corn.</p><p>Well, he can't. So he has to watch Corn leaving, waving at them. At least she doesn't tell them not to mess it up this time. (As if they could prevent that...)</p><p>Then, they're on their own. Phil makes no move to join him on the pallet, he just digs his hands into his pockets, finally lifting his head to look at Dan. Dan stares back - there's no way he's going to initiate the conversation, after all, Phil came outside to talk to him. (After all, Phil was the reason why their last conversation ended.)</p><p>It still takes Phil a few more moments to gather the courage to say something. "Listen. I'm -"</p><p>That's it. It's up to Dan to guess what he was about to say. 'I'm sorry'? Oh, he'd better be - Dan hopes so much that's what Phil wanted to say. Doesn't even matter that he's not able to say it aloud, as long as he feels bad for the way he just treated Dan... He really hates the fact that he broke down in front of Phil. But knowing he made Phil feel bad about it, maybe even feel sorry - that's kind of worth it, that's at least one positive aspect coming from his breakdown.</p><p>Phil clears his voice. Then he picks another approach. "Can we agree on not arguing anymore?"</p><p>Oh wow. Is he serious? Phil probably gives amazing advice for depression too. 'Feel sad? Well, don't.'</p><p>Dan snorts. But before he can say something, thus already breaking Phil's resolution, Phil intervenes. "Yeah. I know. But - it just doesn't help. At all. We're spending hours not getting anything done and it's annoying by now."</p><p>Annoying? Well, if this was his main issue, Dan would be actually glad. For him, it's more than just annoying - it's annoying as well, of course, but there's so much more to it.</p><p>He can't object, though. One look at Phil, at his distressed face, tells him that 'annoying' just scratches the surface for Phil too. It's not just about losing time for Phil either.</p><p>Thus, Dan gives in. "Okay. I mean, there's not much left to do anyway. And when we're around Trevor, we should -" Get along? Treat each other properly? Make it look like they were friends? Oh, Dan just can't tell. They shouldn't argue, that's for sure.</p><p>No need to complete his sentence, Phil agrees nevertheless. "Yeah. We need to keep it together for Trevor's sake."</p><p>Dan can clearly hear the unspoken 'It's just a few hours, we can make it through it'. And - yeah, it's the truth and it's kind of reassuring. But at the same time, it still hurts that they both think that way. That being around each other is so awful that they are glad that it only takes a few hours. His breakdown reminded him of the times when it didn't used to be that way and the contrast makes a lump form in Dan's throat.</p><p>Still, he tries to smile at Phil, thus showing he’s actually willing to follow Phil’s suggestion. "Okay. Let's do it."</p><p>Let's get the bullshit out of their way. And as soon as the day with Trevor is over, there's no need to think about the past anymore, to compare the past and the present. As soon as they walk out of that door, they're done. Of course, they'll meet at various occasions, but they don't need to talk to each other anymore. Phil leaves his life again and it doesn't matter anymore that they almost had a relationship and that they can't talk to each other for at least five minutes without feeling the need to beat each other up. It's over then. It doesn't matter anymore.<br/>That's the only thought that actually reassures Dan.</p><p>~*~*~</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Finally - the big day! \o/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan feels so out of place. Well, he isn't - the receptionist checked his name and even his ID at the front desk before letting him through. Still, now that he's all on his own in this big ass lobby, no one else around...</p><p>Then, as he turns a corner, he spots two people. And for the first time in forever, he's actually happy to see Phil. (So he did come to the right place after all.) He's at the other end of the lounge, sticking out a mile with his pitch-black hair and grey pullover with embroidered roses on the sleeves. Next to him, there's a blonde woman with a blue t-shirt. It has the Make-a-Wish logo on its back, Dan notices as he gets closer. She's the one to greet him first as he closes up to them. "Oh, celeb number two! Hi, Dan. I'm Steph."</p><p>Phil nods at him, sticking to a simple "Hi.".</p><p>Ah, yes. They’d decided to keep quiet - no more unnecessary arguments.</p><p>After they’d made the resolution, they didn't spend that much time together anymore. There wasn't much left to talk about so it was maybe half an hour where they tested their decision. It did work out, they managed not to get into yet another argument, but their conversation was super stiff and it was obvious that they were both holding back. Hopefully, they'll be able to loosen up at least a bit around Trevor - or focus on him instead of this tension between them.</p><p>So Dan waves hello at them and turns to Steph. "I didn't miss anything, did I?"</p><p>Steph shakes her head. "No, don't worry. As you can tell, we're still waiting for the kiddo."</p><p>Yeah, he could tell. Not only because the lounge is still empty apart from them but because Em sent him a text while the receptionist was looking at his ID, telling him they're on their way.</p><p>Nevertheless, Steph has some news up her sleeve. "I wanted to give you some instructions, though. Or - well, not exactly instructions. Wanna take a seat?"</p><p>Phil agrees, Dan does so too. Still, he wonders why Steph and Phil didn't sit down before. Well, he gets his answer just a few moments later. The armchairs were tucked away in a corner where he would have missed them entirely.</p><p>As soon as they’ve all sat down, Steph starts with her speaking. "So - I guess Emily already let you know. There's not a lot we can tell you about today's schedule - it's part of the wish that it stays a secret for now. Kiddo is the one who's supposed to reveal it. But I can let you know it takes place in this building."</p><p>"Oh thank god. So no parachuting? I wouldn't have survived that." Phil interrupts her, following it up with a nervous laugh. And Dan can't help but grin. Yes, it's still Phil, it's still the guy who -<br/>But the way he made fun of himself is actually kind of funny.</p><p>Steph chuckles too. "No, no parachuting - rest assured. We would’ve let you know in advance if that was the case. It's really relaxed. It's no outdoor activity, it has nothing to do with sports, as you can tell from this building. But you're not allowed to look up what's in here."</p><p>Yeah, he kind of guessed that. Also - there's no need to look it up, Dan trusts Steph, he trusts Em and now he also trusts Trevor. So checking this building on Google would just ruin the surprise.</p><p>Steph doesn't wait for a confirmation. She switches to the next topic right away. "I can tell you a bit more about Trevor, though."</p><p>"Oh yes, please." Phil smiles and - Dan can't even dwell on the thought that it's yet another sign that Phil is nice to everyone except him, his nemesis. He can tell what's coming now. The reason why Trevor was able to submit his wish to the Make-a-Wish foundation.</p><p>"Okay. So - he has bone cancer. Got diagnosed a few months ago, but he had been in treatment for some time by that point. When they found out it was bone cancer, it was too late though. There wasn't much the doctors could do for him. So now - as far as I know - it's just palliative treatment. They gave up on actually fighting the cancer, it's just about lessening the pain." Steph's smile falters as she concludes the introduction. Yes, it's her job - she gets to know stories like this one on a daily basis, probably. Still, you can tell it's hard for her to talk about it.</p><p>And Dan -</p><p>This is the worst part about working with the Make-a-Wish foundation. Learning about the kid's fate. Somehow dealing with it. Putting on a smile for the kid even though he knows they will pass away soon. It's not his first rodeo, but damn, he hasn't figured out yet how to deal with it the best way possible. (Usually, he sticks with just ignoring the back story. Not the perfect solution, but it allows him to be cheerful and that's just what the kids expect from him when they pick him for their big wish.)</p><p>For a few moments, they just sit in silence, digesting the news. The mood has changed, obviously, now it's not just a few professionals coming together to do some work, now it's about the life of a child.</p><p>Then, Steph clears her throat. "Normally, I'd lead you around the premises until the child arrives, show you what to expect and stuff. But - well, today, everything is a bit different. So we're just waiting for Trevor. Sorry, guys - first, I dampen the mood and then I'm not even able to distract you."</p><p>Dan shoots a weak smile at her. Of course he can tell she's just joking but just in case she actually feels bad about it... It's not her fault after all. (It's nobody's fault and it's just so damn unfair but he won't go down that rabbit hole now. He needs to be cheerful.)</p><p>Phil speaks up now. "So do you know when they will be here?"</p><p>"They should be here any moment. That's all I know." Steph lets him know and Dan checks his phone - no, no new texts from Emily.</p><p>So they keep waiting. There's nothing left to talk about anymore and - ugh, it's so uncomfortable, enduring the awkward silence between Phil and him. (If things were different, they could just chat about - anything, basically. Steph keeps shooting glances at him and Phil every now and then, as if she is expecting them to do something to lighten the mood. But - it's just not possible. No arguments - okay. Small talks? No.)</p><p>Finally Steph's phone rings and after a short conversation, she gets up telling them that Trevor is here. Dan and Phil follow her back through the lobby, and right behind the reception there's a group of people. The group of people they had been waiting for, apparently. There's Emily, a guy with a blue shirt similar to the one Steph is wearing, another guy wearing a suit, a middle-aged couple, probably, the parents, and  - most importantly - Trevor.</p><p>But something is off.</p><p>Trevor is rather tall for his age - fitting right in with the big people club. (So maybe that's why he chose Dan and Phil. So maybe that's why he didn't invite Corn. He's probably taller than her.) And - It's obvious that he's ill. His face is gaunt, he's so thin and pale... But his grin is so big and thus, he's just your regular teenager, super excited to meet his favourite musicians.</p><p>But then, there's the thing with the clothes. The hair. The -</p><p>Dan doesn't get to dwell on it. He can see Em nudging Trevor, he can see the kid shooting an asking glance at his parents, his parents shooting a reassuring smile back at him, then they walk over to Dan, Phil, and Steph - just the family, Em and the other two men stay behind.</p><p>It's the mother who talks to them first. "Hello. This is Lottie. She's been looking forward to spending time with you for so long - she's really excited."</p><p>Dan barely catches the annoyed "Mum!" exclamation, not to mention that he's not able to react the way Trevor - no, Lottie - apparently expects him to. He can't think about the mum being embarrassing, he -</p><p>It's been Trevor all along. But there was no sign of a child swap. Emily never told him about one and now, she brought Lottie here and - Dan doesn't know what's going on, but well, there is no Trevor. There's just Lottie, the tall girl, even taller than her mum even though she looks so young, with the t-shirt with the black glitter skull and the jeans that’s just a tad too tight to pass as a regular, cool boys’ jeans.</p><p>Lottie. No Trevor. No questions about that, just this fact - Dan is quite glad Lottie’s mum mentioned her name before he got a chance to make a mistake. So he just opens his arms, offering an embrace. "Hi Lottie. Nice to meet you."</p><p>"Hi Dan." Lottie cheeps and accepts the hug, putting her arms around Dan, almost crushing the air out of his lungs the first moment because she's so excited about being able to hug him. This is just your typical teenage girl - blushing but accepting the hug right away, not letting go of him for a while.</p><p>Afterwards, it's Phil's turn to hug her. Then Lottie says goodbye to her parents - they hug her, tell her to have a good time. This is when the rest of the group joins them. They walk over to the elevator and it gets a bit crowded, as it's Dan, Phil, Lottie, Em, Steph and the two guys who got here with Em, the Make-a-Wish guy and the other one who rather looks like a bouncer. It's the bouncer guy who leads them out of the elevator at the right floor, leading them across a hallway to a certain door that he unlocks.</p><p>Emily turns to Lottie. "Okay, Lottie. You know where to find everything. If you need something else, just ring me up, okay?"</p><p>So this is the moment of truth. When they walk through this door, they will learn what they're about to do today. Again, neither Emily nor Steph give anything away - they only tell Dan and Phil to let them know if there are any issues and then - they leave and it's just them and Lottie.</p><p>Thus, Phil faces Lottie with a big smile on his face. "So I guess now you will reveal your secret?"</p><p>She returns the smile, a bit giddy. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know yet."</p><p>Oh. That's quite a surprising turn. (Lottie is a bag of surprises, apparently.) Just a few moments ago, she was so nervous around them, she was actually starstruck. Well, the nervousness is gone, instead she's almost cocky. She's in power and she's not hesitating to prove it. (No need to complain about it, though. Dan is glad she seems to feel comfortable around them.)</p><p>So apparently, she wants to play a little game, a power game... Dan decides to play along. "Oh, dear Lottie. Please reveal the secret. I don't want to -"</p><p>"Hang around in the hallway all day long. If that's your surprise, you picked a pretty ugly place, Lottie." Phil interrupts him but Dan's not mad at him at all. He's pestering Lottie and apparently, that's just what she wants, what she needs. She rolls her eyes at Phil, nevertheless she turns around to open the door. They enter the room and -</p><p>Oh. It's a kitchen. Some cupboards on the wall, a fridge, an oven, a cooktop, a sink - just a regular kitchen, apart from the fact that it doesn't look that regular, that it doesn't look like it's actually in use. It has stock photos vibes, it looks like it's part of a movie set.</p><p>They walk over to the kitchen island, Dan leans against it. Then, Lottie decides to finally reveal her secret. "We're going to bake cupcakes today."</p><p>Baking. Well, that's not what Dan expected, not at all. And you can clearly tell from his face, apparently - Lottie giggles and her laughter is full of glee. Oh, she planned this, she had this in mind when she decided not to let them know in advance what they'd be doing this day. She wanted to surprise both him and Phil and well, she succeeded.</p><p>Her glee makes it even easier to get along with her, though. No more mercy, Dan decides - he goes in full bant mode. "Baking? Seriously? You could have picked anything in the world and you went with baking?"</p><p>The right decision. Lottie isn't offended or hurt at all, she just flashes a huge grin at him. "Yep. Baking. Baking is the coolest thing in the world."</p><p>Phil makes a noise that clearly shows disagreement. Again, Lottie takes no offense. "I love making cupcakes. But at the hospice, I'm all alone in the kitchen. So..."</p><p>The hospice. All of a sudden, the conversation turns serious. For a few moments, Dan was able to ignore why they met with Lottie - that Lottie was seriously ill. But just this one word brought him back to reality. This girl spends most of her time in a hospice, this girl -</p><p>Lottie notices the mood shift. Well, at least she returns to the banter right away. "Also, I knew you'd hate it. So that was the main reason to pick baking. Who knows, maybe you're totally into diving with sharks and - where's the fun in that?"</p><p>She's semi successful. Her snarky comment reminds Dan that they're here to have fun - and it helps him push aside the looming clouds. (Out of the corner, he can see Phil taking a deep breath. At least he wasn't the only one taken aback by the tiny little mention of Lottie's current place of residence.)</p><p>Phil's the one who finally manages to take their minds off that. Suddenly, he slams his fist on the kitchen counter. "Oh, so that's why they asked me if I had any issues with food intolerance!"</p><p>Dan can't dwell on the dark clouds anymore. Instead - "Are you kidding me? They did? You didn't tell me?"</p><p>All those days he went to bed with a stomach ache because the arguments with Phil stressed him out so much. All those hours he spent at Lights' studio. All for naught - Phil had the crucial clue on his hands all along? It's not rage that boils up inside of Dan, it's pure frustration.</p><p>Phil shrugs, clearly not feeling guilty at all - and at the same time, he’s noticed Dan's dismay, he feels the need to defend himself, in a way. At least he sounds a bit defensive. "Well, I forgot. I mean, I assumed it could be about cakes but I thought it could be for the catering."</p><p>They face each other and - oh, the good old tension. They didn’t even last an hour before getting into yet another argument and - god, he feels so bad because they really wanted to make it work, they really wanted to stay peaceful around Lottie. Damn, it's really annoying they couldn't keep calm, at least for a few hours, at least for one fucking hour.<br/>But then, he hears something. A little giggle. As he turns his head to face Lottie, he notices she hides her mouth behind her hand but still, it's obvious that she was the one laughing.</p><p>She actually enjoys their argument. And somehow, this realisation dissolves the tension. Dan relaxes a bit, the corners of his mouth lift. Damn, this girl... She's cool, she's actually cool. So instead of getting into a fistfight with Phil, he vents his frustration to Lottie. "Hey. Don't laugh. We spent hours in the studio, trying to find out what we could do today."</p><p>And instead of insisting on a fistfight, Phil hums in agreement.</p><p>There's no remorse from Lottie's side, though. "Well, nobody told you to. It was supposed to be a surprise."</p><p>Yeah, maybe nobody told them to. But Emily made it seem like they had to meet up beforehand. If only she had chosen clearer words... It would have helped a lot if he’d known in advance that there was no need to prepare for this day - that the fact that they weren't prepared was essential to the plan.<br/>But well, on the other hand, maybe it wasn't that bad that they were on the wrong track. Maybe it was necessary for them to break their horns before meeting Lottie.<br/>(If it wasn't for their meetings, who knows how things would have turned out. Probably with at least one knife in a place where it doesn't belong within the first five minutes in this room.)</p><p>Phil decides to steer the conversation in another direction. (Is it an admission of guilt? Dan can't tell, nevertheless he's quite glad not having to linger on their misconception any longer.) "So - why did you pick the two of us out of all people?"</p><p>Yes, excellent question. After all, that's what Dan has been wondering about every single time he’s met up with Phil to discuss this day. Why couldn't Lottie have chosen more pleasant company for him?</p><p>For Lottie, it isn't such an interesting question, though. She walks around the kitchen counter, opening a drawer as she answers. "You're my favourite singers."</p><p>Well, that's obvious. Thus, Dan is quite glad that Phil presses on. "But why didn't you invite the rest of the band?"</p><p>"I felt like I was asking for too much. Also, I don't know if baking with more than three people would have worked out. So I picked my favourite band member." Now, Lottie gets the urgency of the question. She doesn't stay serious for long, though. "Sorry for being a basic bitch, but my favourite member actually is the singer."</p><p>Phil grins at her. "Don't worry. I don't consider you a basic bitch for picking me. I consider you a basic bitch for picking Dan, though."</p><p>Again, she chuckles and even though it's obvious what he's hinting at - Dan being a bland musician, nothing special, someone who only got famous because he mysteriously attracts teen girls' attention - Dan just can't feel offended. It doesn't feel malicious somehow, it doesn't feel like Phil meant it as an attack, it was just about making Lottie feel comfortable, about making Lottie laugh. And you've got to hand it to him - it worked.<br/>(Maybe it's also about Phil referring to him as 'Dan'. No insult, no 'Howell', just 'Dan'. Or the short nudge Dan can't interpret at all. A silent excuse? A sign of fraternisation?)</p><p>Of course, Dan could strike back, of course he could think of something to make Phil look bad in return. But - no, it's not about getting into an argument. (And he can easily tell it wouldn't stay playful for too long. It would probably only need his retort to start a serious argument.) It's about making Lottie laugh, she has already laughed, mission accomplished, heading to the next one. And that's -<br/>Baking.</p><p>"So -," Dan clears his throat, fully knowing it sounds like he's admitting that Phil's right. He knows he isn't, Lottie does too, after all she wouldn't have picked him for her special day if she thought about Dan the way Phil just hinted at. And that's all he needs. "What about baking?"</p><p>"Yeah. Baking." Lottie bends down to get something out of the drawer she just opened. It's a box labeled 'flour' which she places on the kitchen counter. "I wanted to start long ago but you two were busy arguing."</p><p>Arguing... Oh, sweet summer child. They're far away from having an actual argument. If she knew what was going down during their hours in the studio... ('It's not a real argument,' a snarky voice in his head whispers. 'You didn't even start crying yet.'. Dan shuts it down at once. No need to remember that moment.)</p><p>Phil leans over the counter, pretending to flick Lottie's ear. "Hey. You started it."</p><p>Lottie just rolls her eyes at him, then she gestures them to join them on the other side of the counter. As soon as they follow her order, she switches to business mode. No more bants, no more provocations - you can tell that baking actually means a lot to her, she really takes it seriously.</p><p>"Okay. First off, we need to make the muffins, of course. They need to cool down before we can decorate them."</p><p>"So we're really - decorating them? What do you have in store?" Dan digs deeper. He's actually interested - sure, Lottie told them before they were making cupcakes but hey, that could mean anything. Just slam a bit of frosting on a muffin and voilà, cupcake. Lottie's plan sounds like striving for a more ambitious goal, though.</p><p>Luckily, Lottie isn't mad at him for interrupting her introduction of their schedule. Her expression softens a bit as she answers. "Yeah. Actually decorating. I've got fondant, some pearls and stuff, food colouring, some non-edible decoration stuff... Whatever you can put on a cupcake."</p><p>Now there's no holding back for Dan anymore. (Yes, maybe his excitement is a bit artificial - after all, being supportive of Lottie's idea is kind of part of the plan for today. But he doesn't entirely fake it. Cupcakes may not be the most exciting thing in the world, but now that he's here he might as well enjoy the stay.) "But then we need to plan the decoration first. I want an entirely black cupcake."</p><p>Lottie shrugs. "But I don't know how to use the food colouring. I have no idea how much you need and at what point it tastes bad and so on." She looks a bit uncomfortable now and Dan almost regrets being that euphoric, seeing where it led to.</p><p>Almost. Because that's when Phil intervenes. "Well, then - let's just try it. Not all the cupcakes - just a few so we still have something to work with even if it turns out shit."</p><p>Thus, Lottie's face lights up a bit. Nevertheless, Dan decides to add something - to help lift Lotties spirits again. "Also, it's not about the taste, it's about the looks. And the black cupcake will be the most beautiful cupcake in the world - way too beautiful to just eat it."</p><p>It works. Lottie rolls her eyes at him, but - there's a smile. A smile she tries to hide, she tries to play down in order to come across as the cool teen but Dan can tell she's actually relieved.</p><p>Still, she doesn't linger on that topic. Now she returns to explaining her plan. "Okay, fine. We will try to do some black cupcakes too. Still, we need to make some batter first. Dan - you beat the eggs."</p><p>Doesn't mean that Dan's all serious now. "Can I beat Phil instead?"</p><p>And Phil -<br/>He snorts. He hides it right away by responding to him, but still - he laughed at Dan's lame joke. "I can beat your mum."</p><p>Oh. Yet another jab? Well, this time they might have taken it too far - Lottie's a child, after all. So Dan hurries to downplay his attack and Phil's counter attack at the same time. "At video games, of course."</p><p>Lottie just rolls her eyes again, but she grins. And Phil - he laughs. Again. He genuinely laughs at Dan's jokes.</p><p>Somehow, Dan actually enjoys himself. Even though he's around Phil, even though he's not a fan of baking. It's mainly because of Lottie, of course - she manages to distract him. But - Dan doesn't keep his attention on her all the time, ignoring Phil completely. After all, they even bumped heads already. Nevertheless, it seems to Dan that -<br/>They're just at peace right now. He's calm, Phil seems to be calm too. They just can't stop bickering but by now Dan feels like their arguments won't get serious anymore. It's just neat to bicker a bit but then it's over again.</p><p>Maybe it's not just because they're too relaxed by now to actually get into an argument. But maybe it's also because they know it's okay to quarrel a bit. After all, they now know that Lottie enjoys it and - hey, they're here to make this day as fun as possible for her.</p><p>Things get serious again when Lottie opens the fridge to get some eggs out. She clearly knows her way around the kitchen, apparently Em or someone else from the Make-a-Wish foundation showed her around before. Dan's quite glad about it - spending hours looking for their ingredients would make for a great bonding opportunity, but well, there's more fun stuff to do.</p><p>Nevertheless, Phil opens a drawer too. His face lights up as he discovers something actually useful - the decoration stuff Lottie mentioned before. He takes out the little tubes of food colouring, inspecting the different shades, Dan moves closer to take a look too. Ah, there's a black tube. Awesome - so they can follow through with his plan.</p><p>In the meantime, Phil turns to Lottie who's just collecting some bowls and an electrical whisk. "Hey, Lottie. I want a rainbow cupcake."</p><p>A rainbow. That's -<br/>That's the gay pride flag. A gay pride flag disguised as a cupcake. Well, it's not that extraordinary, not that surprising, after all, he knew that Phil liked men. But -</p><p>(Dan doesn't know if Phil still does. If he decided it was just a phase, if he’d settled down with a woman by now... It's nothing he should rack his brain about, but somehow, it makes him feel so uncomfortable. There was no need to remind him of their past yet again.)</p><p>Dan shakes it off, he forces himself to focus on baking. That's pretty easy, because, to be honest, rainbows are a pretty shitty choice. And hey, what's a better way to distract himself than taunting Phil?</p><p>"A rainbow? Really?" He sneers. Phil turns towards him, he tries to raise an eyebrow. (He fails miserably, though. Both eyebrows move.)</p><p>"Yeah. So what about it?"</p><p>"That's pretty ambitious. Just stick to the black colour - it will have the same result, trust me." Dan tries to sound extra sweet to get his point across - to make sure he doesn't worry about Phil, he's just looking for another opportunity to make fun of him.</p><p>Phil catches the drift. "Maybe that's what would happen if you tried it. But I know what I'm doing."</p><p>He actually believes in his words, that's easy to tell. Well, maybe it's to strike back at Dan, but... Not entirely. A part of Phil actually believes he can pull it off, he can make a cupcake that doesn't look like mud but like a rainbow.</p><p>Lottie interrupts their little discussion. She moves right in between them to place the bowls on the kitchen counter. "Sorry, Phil. I wanted to decorate cupcakes - actually decorate them. So we shouldn't spend hours on the batter, I guess."</p><p>"But Dan got to pick a colour too." Phil complains and Dan just can't resist - he sticks his tongue out at him.</p><p>And Lottie - well, they took it a bit too far, apparently. The girl groans. "Fuck. I thought I'd picked two adult men. What's the matter with you?"</p><p>Well, she isn't exactly wrong. But at the same time, she handed them the opportunity to show their more mature side - Dan can't tell if Phil noticed but he did and he's totally ready to work with it. "Hey there, young lady. Aren't you a bit too young for swear words?"</p><p>For a second, her face lights up. (Was it the 'young lady'? Probably - Dan actually picked it on purpose and oh boy, he's glad she liked it. They still don't know what's the matter with the Lottie - Trevor thing and he doesn't know if they'll ever find out, but something's going on and one thing that seems to make Lottie happy is them accepting her as Lottie.) But then, she's back to the sulky, rebellious teen. "Well, I need to make up for a lifetime of swearing."</p><p>Yet again, she manages to pull the rug out from under Dan - from under Phil too, the way his smile froze tells that he caught the drift too.</p><p>Most of the time, Dan actually forgets why they're here. Dan is actually quite glad about it because that way he's not acting like he's walking on eggshells, he was able to put aside the awkwardness from their first few minutes together and thus he's a way more suitable baking buddy for Lottie. But there are still some moments when he still doesn't know how to react, when reality slaps him in the face - and that's every time Lottie brings up something that reminds him of her illness.</p><p>Phil is the first one to regain his composure. His smile looks a bit forced but at least it isn't frozen anymore. "Okay, okay. Should we teach you some more swear words?"</p><p>Yep, back to normal. Lottie tries to come across as indifferent but her disapproving snort clearly contains a little laugh. "Oh. You? Sure, Phil. You really seem like someone who could teach me many, many swear words. What do you have in store? 'Heck'?"</p><p>"Hey!" Phil protests at once. "I'm not that innocent."</p><p>Oh, so Phil doesn't use that many swear words anymore? Again, Dan notices that he's really quite successful in ignoring Lights - and at the same time, he remembers the time he was a Lights fan, just like Lottie now. Well, but back when he was a part of Phil's audience... His songs didn't just consist of swear words, considering their genre, Lights kept it rather soft. But they did use some swear words after all.</p><p>That's one reason why Dan could confirm Phil's claim. The other one, though...</p><p>Yes. He knows that Phil isn't innocent. He got to know that a few years ago. A few years ago when -</p><p>Now, they're both fucking with his head.</p><p>Dan decides to drop the topic. There's no need to convince Lottie that Phil is indeed able to swear as they won't teach her new swear words. She can keep the ones she already knows but hey, they're supposed to be a good influence. And this would stretch the scope of "making sure Lottie has a good time" too far. "Hey, Lottie. Less swearing, less arguing - more baking."</p><p>It totally works out - Lottie jumps at the 'arguing' part without hesitation. "Hey, you and Phil are the ones who are arguing all the time!"</p><p>Dan tries to sound as resolute as possible while still coming across as joking. "And I'm the one to end it now."</p><p>Well, two can play this game. Lottie pouts at him and even though he can tell she doesn't mean it one hundred percent, she's pretty convincing. "I hate you."</p><p>Dan smiles at her, his voice is super sweet. "Same." Then he gets all serious. "And now, give me the eggos."</p><p>Even though Dan was just joking, they now finally start preparing their cupcakes. Lottie tells him the amount of eggs he needs to beat, then she turns to Phil, instructing him to measure the amount of flour they need - he does complain when she orders him to stir in some baking powder because, in his words, that's not necessary when they stir all the ingredients later on, but he doesn't insist on a discussion.</p><p>Thus, they prepare the separate parts of their batter. In the end, Dan passes over his bowl to Phil so he can mix its ingredients with the dry ones in his own bowl - Phil takes over the electric whisk, starts adding some of the flour mix to Dan's bowl, starts stirring, then -</p><p>"Damn. How am I supposed to get the flour in? Why can't I just dump it in all at once?" Phil complains.</p><p>By now, Lottie has taken a seat on a barstool on the other side of the kitchen counter. She claimed she isn't that keen on preparing the batter and would like to watch them do all the work instead and they told her they were okay with it - little did they know she'd use this opportunity to boss them around. This time, she doesn't intervene either and you can clearly tell from her grin that she enjoys seeing them struggle.</p><p>Oh, okay. So it's left to him to help Phil. Dan rolls his eyes as he steps behind Phil, taking the bowl with the flour out of his hand. "Just stir. I will take care of the pouring."</p><p>Phil obliges. He turns on the whisk again and Dan lets the flour trickle into their batter. Carefully, just bit by bit because - well, he does agree with Phil, he doesn't make sense of this ordeal either, but Lottie told them to be careful and if it makes her happy, they'll take their time.</p><p>They take their time. So much time that Dan realizes how close they are. And that he intuitively put a hand on Phil's hip. Now that he finally noticed it, it draws all of his attention. Phil directly in front of him, maybe even leaning against him, Dan can't tell for sure, his damn hand on Phil's damn hip...</p><p>Shit. He - he kind of likes it. Or he -<br/>No. He aches to be close to Phil. Closer? Without all of the baking gear? Or just like that, but without - Dan doesn't know. He only knows that he aches to be close to Phil. And that's not ideal, to put it mildly.</p><p>Well, Dan's been single for a while. So it's probably just him aching to be close to another man. But - no, it's not that simple, he just can't act like it's not about Phil too. He knows how it is to be close to Phil, it's what he's looking for in another man. So yeah, he doesn't just feel this way because he misses being close to another guy, because Phil is just some kind of proxy. It's -</p><p>So many thoughts at once. But then, all of a sudden, they seem to cancel out each other. They're still there, they're still in his head, but it's as if they were turned mute. Dan moves his hand a bit, he -<br/>He stops pouring the flour. No way he could focus on that right now.</p><p>Then, he starts stroking Phil with his thumb. Just a tiny little movement and still, he feels the thrill, he feels the rush of excitement, he -<br/>For a moment, he's able to ignore reality. For a moment, it seems like they could just continue where they left off all those years ago and - no, it's not even like that, it's even more intuitive, it's just - for a moment, it's okay to forget about everything, to just do whatever he feels like doing and right now, that's being close to Phil, so close that he can smell his aftershave, so close that he can spot the mole on Phil's neck, so close that he can actually feel him.</p><p>And then, it's all over. Suddenly, the reality is back - Dan moves away a little bit, his hand slips from Phil's waist. Baking, they're here for baking and everything else is out of range. He lifts his head, checks if Lottie noticed something - no, she's busy putting colourful cupcake liners in the moulds of the baking tray. Then, as he starts pouring the flour again, his gaze falls on Phil. Actually, he doesn't expect anything but still it feels like a punch in the stomach as Dan spots no emotion on Phil's face. Just a neutral facial expression - he's just focused on preparing their batter.<br/>(Well, he was a fool for a minute. He made a fool of himself. No need to linger on that - and no need to expect anyone else to linger on that either.)</p><p>Luckily, it doesn't take long to mix all ingredients together. Then, Lottie gets up and grabs a scoop to get the batter into the cupcake liners. Without words, Dan and Phil agree that this is a task for Lottie - something more exciting than preparing the batter.</p><p>As soon as she's finished - and oh boy, it takes her quite some time because she isn't content with the way she distributed the batter, picking up a bit from one mould to transfer it to the next one over and over again -, Phil puts the baking tray into the oven and Lottie sets a timer.</p><p>"So now we need to wait?" Dan inquires.</p><p>"Yep. Until the cupcakes are ready, then they need to cool down. But we can start cutting out some fondant and stuff in the meantime." Lottie is still in business mode and even though Dan was quite glad to discover her rebellious side, it's still really cute. She pretends not to care about anything but she takes baking really seriously.</p><p>They don't follow through with her plan, though. Phil has an objection. "Hey, are you up for a cup of hot chocolate?"</p><p>Good idea. So before Lottie can answer, Dan intervenes. "Yeah, sure."</p><p>Phil just rolls his eyes at him, but he also nods. Order accepted, apparently. Still, it only gets official as Lottie agrees too. So hot chocolate it is. Dan tells Lottie to sit down already, to let them do the work - first, it's just because this isn't baking anymore and she's just here for the baking - helping her out with everything else could be considered part of the experience. But then Dan notices the relief on Lottie's face as she sits down and stretches her legs. They're dealing with a seriously ill kid, after all...</p><p>He shakes off the thought at once, fearing it may take over his good mood. Lottie is exhausted so she gets her well deserved break and he gets her the beverage, easy as that. Well, he and Phil, that is - Phil already started rummaging through the cupboards, apparently looking for cups. So Dan takes on the task of finding some cocoa - the milk should be the easiest part, it should be in the fridge.</p><p>Yes, it is, Dan notices as they both found what they're looking for and he turns to the fridge. He doesn't even give it much thought, he just takes out both bottles of milk. Only when Phil smiles at him with surprise, he realises he brought him the lactose free milk.<br/>(It's still there. He still knows Phil can't stomach regular milk. He still remembers that he didn't have any cheese when he was around Phil because Phil can't stand cheese. He still knows too much. Fuck.)</p><p>Again, Dan just shakes off the thought. They prepare the drinks, Dan puts them in the microwave, Phil hands him a bag of marshmallows - it's already ripped open, a few are probably missing as Phil isn't able to open his mouth but Dan keeps to just raising an eyebrow at him, asking without saying it aloud 'really?'. It may be okay to banter a bit, but - not now. Lottie is not in the mood. So he keeps quiet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey, we haven't taken a trip into the past for quite some time... :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A bit later, they join Lottie at the table, serving her the hot chocolate. And for a few moments, they all just enjoy the warmth, the sweetness. No bantering, no baking, just - calm. Silence. Peace.</p><p>Then, Lottie pipes up. "Can I ask you guys some questions?"</p><p>Well. As long as she doesn't ask why they're so awkward around each other... </p><p>Phil is the first one to answer. He smiles at Lottie over the edge of his cup. "Sure. Go for it."</p><p>She returns his smile and turns towards him. Her first set of questions is only directed at him, Dan can tell after a few words. "So - how did you find bandmates? How did you start a band in the first place? How did you keep the main part of the band? And how did you pick Cornelia up?"</p><p>Phil laughs. "Oh. So basically, you want me to tell the complete band history?"</p><p>Lottie ignores the slight mockery in his question, she just nods. "Yeah. Why not? We've got time."</p><p>"Well, if that is how you want to spend your time..." Phil quietly chuckles. But then -</p><p>He shoots an asking glance at Dan. 'Is it okay if I talk about the band?' it's supposed to mean.</p><p>Is it okay for Phil tol start a monologue? Yeah. But that's not the issue. It's rather... Damn, a few years ago, when Lights was one of his favourite bands, he would have been interested in their story too - actually, he was interested in their story. So Phil told him every detail. Each time they spent the night together, Phil brought up another piece of the story.</p><p>Is Phil worried because he is about to bring old memories up? Or is it only because he fears it might get boring for Dan as he has already heard the story before? Either way - Dan just shrugs. Yet, he gets this feeling again, this feeling as if some cold hand had his fingers wrapped around his heart, squeezing, gently, still, but steadily increasing the pressure. But - it's just a story, god damn it. Phil won't talk about the things that would really bother Dan - Phil won't talk about <i>them</i>.</p><p>Now that he's got Dan's approval, Phil puts down his cup and clears his throat. Then he begins telling the story of Lights. "Okay. In the beginning, there were two little boys."</p><p>Lottie rolls her eyes, but Phil doesn't let that dissuade him. He tones down the fairytale narrator tone a tad, though. "It was me and Martyn in the beginning. Martyn loved music instruments since he was young. Me - not that much, but I really loved singing. And we loved making music together. That's probably when our band took its first steps - just two kids in their children's room, trying to make music."</p><p>'One day, I'll show you that room.' That's what Phil had said a few years ago when he told Dan this story. Well, he didn't keep his promise. But - yet again, Dan decides to ignore it. Luckily, Phil continues his narration without letting Dan dwell on little details.</p><p>"But we wanted more. So we tried getting gigs - we had our first concerts before we were even ten years old. And - well, it was super basic. We started some drum loops on our keyboard, Martyn played the guitar, I sang. But we had a good time. And that's how we found the rest of the band - or rather, that's how the rest of the band found us. We were performing at an open mic event and two guys spotted us - Lee and Jonah, they already knew each other from their music school and they were looking for a band to join. Luckily, they played the drums and the bass and that was just what we were missing."</p><p>Lee is the one Dan got to know in the studio - the good-humoured drummer who was joined by his little family. It's pretty funny to think back to the day when a smaller, younger version of Lee asked the brothers to let him join their band...<br/>Jonah on the other side - well, as far as Dan can tell, he's the one who left the band. Or the one who didn't join the band again when they had their reunion. He was the bassist of the band Dan got to know as a teen, the bassist of the band Dan considered his favourite but when they had their comeback, Jonah was gone and he’d been replaced by Cornelia. Dan is pretty sure there had been a few headlines about the change but by that point, he didn't bother anymore, he didn't want anything to do with Phil or his band anymore. So he never looked it up.</p><p>"We got along quite well, we became friends quite soon and we were a good team - a good band. So Martyn and I continued touring small pubs, open mic stages and fairs, but now we had an actual band, not just a beat in the background. It was really cool."</p><p>Phil has a far away look and a slight smile on his face. He’s no longer in some stock photo kitchen in the middle of London anymore, he's on a small, shabby stage in the middle of nowhere in Northern England, surrounded by three boys who are just as keen on making music as him.</p><p>"And on one of those occasions, we met our future manager. He watched our performance and he told us that he wanted to work with us. This was the step we needed to take to become famous - the step away from a bunch of children playing their songs to... Well, a bunch of slightly bigger children, professionally recording their songs, selling CDs and booking actual venues."</p><p>Even though Lottie proved to be quite talkative before, she's absolutely quiet now. Not because Phil bores her, absolutely not - her eyes are fixed on Phil, she takes in every single word he says.</p><p>Now that Phil pauses, he notices Lottie's attention too. His focus returns to this place again, he looks at Lottie and even though he immediately smiles at her, Dan can see him blush. Damn, this guy is famous and still, it just takes the absolute attention of a teen girl to make him feel embarrassed.</p><p>It's just like when Dan met Phil for the first time. He had no problems performing his songs in front of a crowd, but as soon as the concert was over, he got flustered because he met someone who liked his band, his music, his work.</p><p>‘Thanks, no need for yet another flashback.’</p><p>They all take a deep sip from their cups, then Lottie takes a look at the clock. "Oh. I should check the cupcakes."</p><p>Thus, Phil's smile turns into a grin and he obviously doesn't feel that uncomfortable anymore. "It's alright. Don't let the old man with his stories distract you from the cupcakes."</p><p>‘Old man’... Dan feels the urge to roll his eyes but he manages not to. Phil's younger than Lottie's dad but he decided to roast himself anyway to hide his awkwardness.</p><p>Lottie doesn't ask them to help her with the cupcakes. Well, admittedly, there's not a lot to do at the moment. She takes them out of the oven, checks if they are done - she's content with how they look so she just turns off the oven. In the meantime, Dan refills their cups, then they return to the table. Now they need to wait until the cupcakes are cooled down.</p><p>"Okay, old man. You can go on." Lottie grins at Phil and even though he was the one who started it, he leans over the table, pretending to flick her ear - she ducks away, giggling.</p><p>Phil doesn't obey, though. Instead, he offers an objection. "Hey, I can't do all of the talking. Now it's Dan's turn."</p><p>Oh no. Can't they just chuck the cupcakes in the freezer for five minutes so they can start decorating them? Or could Phil continue his story instead?</p><p>Dan really doesn't like talking about the way he got famous. He is okay with it - he's proud of being one of the first musicians to actually gain so many supporters on YouTube that he managed to step out of the little YouTube world and into the big showbiz. But the people aren't used to artists like him yet. Especially other stars. He had such a hard time finding acceptance amongst them, trying to shut down the permanent "Well, you see, he's the YouTube guy", the permanent impression of Dan being inferior to them because he didn't take the regular path.</p><p>The regular path. What's that even supposed to mean? After all, there are so many different ways to become a famous musician. Some reach fame thanks to their parents. Some become famous thanks to a casting show. And some - like Phil, like Lights - tour clubs until they can get gigs at small venues, tour small venues until someone notices them and they get the chance to sign a record deal. He'd understand it if it were just those guys who were judging him. (He'd understand it. It would still be wrong, though.) For them, reaching the top was hard work and yes, he knows that his way doesn't look like hard work. But casting show winners - seriously?</p><p>When he took his first steps into stardom, the condemnation broke him. Dan felt like an outsider - and after a while it felt like he didn't belong there. Like he didn't earn his spot. It took him quite some time to regain his self-confidence, to value his work again even though other people - people he looked up to, people he saw as his kind - didn't. But even though he's more aware of his worth, of his hard work by now, he still prefers not to talk about it. He's a musician, it doesn't matter how he got there.</p><p>So he just shrugs. "Well, Lottie asked for band stories. And I don't have a band. The rest of my story is available online."</p><p>"Oh, tell it nevertheless!" Lottie begs. And Dan - well, he can't just decline. He can't just tell her "No, Lottie, people made me feel bad about it so now I'm sulking."</p><p>So there's nothing left but to follow her request. "Well, I fell in love with singing as soon as I learnt to speak. Later, I got piano lessons - I wasn't a big fan but I really loved playing the piano. I didn't think I could become a musician, though. But when I was at uni, all on my own, no friends, no family... I uploaded some videos to YouTube. It was a nice hobby and it gave me some validation but I thought that's it. Well, it wasn't. And now, I'm a proper musician."</p><p>He shoots a glance at Phil. If he dares to doubt his worth as a musician... After all, people like him are the reason Dan avoids this topic.<br/>But Phil stays quiet. He just takes another sip of his hot chocolate.</p><p>Lottie on the other hand... She pouts. "That's all you can tell me?"</p><p>Well, no. It was the tl;dr version. The story everyone knows plus the fact that he was in a dark place when he started making music. So if Lottie insists... Damn, he really doesn't want to talk about it, he still feels so uneasy, but he could at least grant a little insight to Lottie.<br/>(And Phil. Which makes things so much harder. After all, Phil had the picture perfect way of becoming famous.)</p><p>"I could tell you about all the hours I spent in that dorm room, doubting my life choices, considering keeping up Uni or just dropping out to focus on making YouTube videos - which was the worst possible choice in the world according to some people. The harsh comments. It wasn't a nice start - not particularly exciting, sorry.” He shrugs before continuing with the story. “It got more exciting when I went to an actual studio for the first time, though. And more pleasant, most of all." Dan explains. Ugh, he could dwell hours on all the issues he had, all the hardships that came along just because he dared to pursue his career via YouTube... But he feels how he gets bitter and that's really not the spirit he wants to be in around Lottie. So the studio part is actually helpful - it distracts him a bit.</p><p>"It was a magical moment, somehow. Most people expect my first show to be my personal highlight, but... It wasn't that pleasant. I was so anxious and - I had a big disadvantage, one that some people tend to overlook. I didn't have much stage experience, just from some theater performances I was part of in school. But I never stood on a stage as a singer. I never had an actual audience. So my first show was... It wasn't bad. But I couldn't really enjoy it - I was so glad when it was over. The first day in the studio, though..." Again, Dan glances over to Phil. But - now his reaction isn't neutral anymore. He doesn't pick at his nonexistent stage experience either, though. Instead, he nods, his gaze drifting away, and Dan is pretty sure he's thinking of his own first day in an actual studio.</p><p>Thus, he feels a bit better as he continues to speak. "It was amazing. Seeing what's possible, seeing how music could work, seeing all those possibilities - watching the changes in your music, watching it become something else, something more professional... It was so impressive."</p><p>Now he turns to Lottie. And - oh God, he didn't ruin the mood. She smiles at him and it actually makes him feel so relieved.</p><p>Doesn't mean he needs to talk more about his own career, though. They've had enough of that.</p><p>Luckily, there's no need to say it aloud. For some moments, they all just focus on their hot chocolate. Then, Lottie remembers her initial question. "Okay, Phil. Now we know how you found your bandmates. But what happened when you broke up?"</p><p>'when you broke up'. Shit. It feels like she's not talking about Lights anymore, it feels like she's talking about Dan and Phil, about their relationship. Coincidentally, it even fits the time frame.</p><p>Dan doesn't even have to pretend he's choking on a marshmallow. Her question, the words she chose, took him by surprise, he apparently wasn't able to think properly anymore and then, there's this mushy thing blocking his respiratory system, saving him from explaining why he turned red all of a sudden. He coughs, Phil gets up to - to help him, in whatever way, but luckily, his help isn't necessary, Dan regains his composure on his own.</p><p>As Phil sits down again, he asks a seemingly innocent question. "Is it really okay if I start yet another monologue?"</p><p>Yep, innocent question. After all, he has done quite some talking, so it's just fair to ask Lottie if she's okay with it, if she's up for another story or if she'd prefer the short version. No, there's no need for the short version, Lottie assures him, she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want another detailed report. After all, it's about her favourite band and she loves hearing their story.</p><p>It isn't about that, though. Phil looks at Dan, Dan looks back at him and he can tell the question was directed at him. Well, he can't say the truth aloud. But he hopes Phil can read the "You know that it bothers me but we can't stop now" in his eyes.</p><p>A slight nod, then Phil starts talking.</p><p>"The breakup... Well. I had some issues with my voice. It started months before - I had a scratchy throat when I sang for too long. I drank tons of tea but it didn't help that much... With every day that passed, it became more obvious that this was something bigger. But I wasn't worried yet” Phil grimaces, clearly trying to make fun of himself, of his naivety. He can’t hide the fact that it’s a bitter memory, though.</p><p>“After all - of course, screaming isn't good for your voice. Many metal singers have some issues with their voice at some point - many metal singers need to take a break to recover their voice. I wasn't that keen on taking a break but I was willing to do it. Well, and then I learnt that it wasn't that easy.” Phil pauses, trying to collect himself, but still his voice trembles as he continues. “That I needed to have surgery and that my voice would never be the same. That it wasn't even guaranteed that I'd be able to sing ever again."</p><p>He clears his throat, forcing himself to smile. Shit, after all those years, it still hurts, that's obvious - and Dan feels bad again, so, so bad. Just like he did when he watched that cursed press conference, when he saw Phil's empty gaze, Phil's exhaustion. Well, now there's something different too - now he knows how it feels when you've got a career as a singer. It makes the prospect of losing his voice even more crushing.</p><p>Then, Phil shakes his head, trying to regain his composure. "And that's when shit started to go down."</p><p>Lottie raises her eyebrows. She noticed the change in Phil's voice, she noticed that Phil isn't exaggerating, that Phil chose just the right words to describe what happened back then. "What do you mean?"</p><p>Phil moves his head from side to side. "Well, I shouldn't talk about it. We decided to keep quiet about it. But - I trust you. I don't believe you'll tell some journalist right away."</p><p>He directs his words at Lottie, pretending Dan isn't even around. And Dan... He doesn't believe Phil trusts him. You don't just trust the guy you argued about basically everything the last few times you met, especially when you're about to reveal a secret. But he's willing to talk about it in front of Dan nevertheless.</p><p>(Is it Phil's own way of redemption? After all, he didn't tell Dan back then - when it would have been okay to do so, when Dan still believed Phil trusted him.)</p><p>Lottie takes it seriously. She doesn't try to make fun of Phil - to be honest, Dan expected her to roll her eyes at Phil, telling him she already set up a meeting with a journalist from The Sun. Instead, she decides to show she's worthy of his trust. "I won't."</p><p>Phil sighs. When he starts talking, his voice has a little crack. "Okay. So... I knew my voice wouldn't last much longer. And I was so scared of the surgery, I didn't want to lose the band... But I forgot about one thing: Our management. They didn't approve of my plans. They wanted me to pull through. The tour - we were on tour when I got the news - and I did agree with them, I hoped it wouldn't make that much difference if I did one show more or less, I just wanted to play the last few concerts. But they didn't stop at that point. They wanted me to return to the studio afterwards, recording new music as if nothing was wrong."</p><p>Dan feels like he's frozen. He knows the story, he was part of the story, he was so close - and at the same time, he couldn't have been further away. Damn, he was so close to Phil at that time, when all of this shit went down, but he didn't know shit. He only noticed Phil's hoarse voice, that's all, he didn't know about the doctor's appointments, he didn't know about the diagnosis and he didn't know that Phil got into an argument with his management on how to deal with his diagnosis.</p><p>It makes him want to throw up.</p><p>At this point, Phil ignores Dan, focusing on Lottie instead. "They proposed so many other things. Basically, they didn't want me to have the surgery - they said it could wait, there would be ways to span the time until I'd finally get surgery. An easier surgery with only minor changes, not really treating the problem but easing it for a while. Pills. Stuff like that. They said 'You're successful now. You're going to be even more successful if you get out new content now. If you take a break, no one will care about you anymore.' and they didn't even consider taking into account that it just wasn't possible, that I'd probably never be able to sing again. For them, it was just about missing opportunities."</p><p>Phil pulls up the sleeves of his pullover, pulls them over his hands. Dan focuses on it, not able to do anything else.</p><p>Wow. That's a bit much.</p><p>Lottie obviously feels the same. She stays quiet too, just looking at Phil, waiting until he's ready to continue. It takes him a while, though.</p><p>"I considered doing what they asked for. I even asked them to arrange an appointment with the doctor who could prescribe the pills they were suggesting. I wanted everyone to be happy and - I knew I'd ruin so much if I pulled through. If I was the reason why the band had to break up. But luckily, Martyn stopped me. He made me choose what was the best for me, not the best for everyone else. And that was the surgery. I was in a great deal of pain and I was so afraid of what would happen if I'd delay the surgery. So... That's what I did."</p><p>Now, Lottie pipes up. Her voice sounds so small, she sympathises with Phil. "I guess those guys weren't happy?"</p><p>Phil's laugh sounds hollow. "No. Not at all. And - that made the surgery more appealing, somehow. We’ve never had big issues before then, so working with them was pretty chill. But at that moment, we could see their true colours. They didn't have the band in mind, at least not the band as actual people. They just cared about their success. So getting a surgery to free my band from them sounded pretty rad - Martyn told me that over and over again each time I started doubting my decision."</p><p>Now, there's an actual smile on Phil's face, an honest smile. Martyn's perseverance helped - it lasts until today.</p><p>"It wasn't that easy, though. Of course, they didn't want to keep up the collaboration when I decided to do the surgery. After all, they knew what it meant. A really long break and a change of style in the best case - and we didn't even consider that one, it just turned out to be a possibility after it became reality - and a lost project in the worst case, in the most probable case. But they didn't just leave.” Phil’s smile turns grim.</p><p>“As if I didn't have enough on my mind with the surgery ahead... They pressed charges. We had to pay a penalty charge for breaking the contract. There are insurances who come up for charges like that - after all, it wasn't a deliberate breach of contract. But our insurance didn't want to pay in the beginning and made it really difficult for us to get our money back. In the first place, we had to pay the charge, then we didn't know if we'd get the money back... So we were struggling quite a bit, also moneywise."</p><p>All of this was going on behind the scene. And Dan didn't have a single clue. He spent so much time with Phil, he went to see him so often and when he couldn't be with him, they chatted, they had phone calls - and still, he didn't have a single clue.</p><p>Damn, it hurts.</p><p>But still, Phil doesn't look at him. He's telling his story, fully aware that Dan can finally catch up but there's no effort whatsoever to resolve their issues. He just keeps talking, pretending Dan isn't even there but accepting him eavesdropping. "That's why we decided to go for as much independence as possible when we reunited."</p><p>Lottie didn't get the memo, though. She turns to Dan. "What about you? What's your management like?"</p><p>Finally - Phil turns his head to look at him. But as soon as their eyes meet, Dan looks away. He just can't stand it, so instead, he focuses on Lottie's question. "Not quite independent - I can't take care of everything. But I have a rather small team and I trust all of them."</p><p>He's quite glad he made that decision. Of course, he could have hired a bigger team - maybe not when he released his first single, but maybe after the first hit in the charts. He didn't, though, he always decided to stick to the team he got to know. They may not be the best in their fields but Dan knows he can trust them and that's worth so much more. (Especially after getting to know Phil's story.)</p><p>They don't dwell on that for too long. Lottie has the next question in store - this time, it's another question for Phil. "And what about your band? How did they handle the situation?"</p><p>Phil's smile becomes forced again. "Well, that's when Jonah decided to drop out."</p><p>Oh. So that's the beginning of the story of how Corn joined the band. Jonah left and when they decided to reunite, they needed a new bassist. Even though Dan couldn't be bothered to look up the reason behind Jonah's resignation at the time, he's really keen on finding out more about it now.</p><p>There's no need to ask Phil to talk about Jonah. After taking a deep breath, he starts explaining. "He didn't agree with us. He didn't want to stop making music just because I had problems with my voice. Well, as opposed to our management, he didn't want me to delay the surgery, he accepted that it was necessary. He just didn't accept that it would mean the end of the band."</p><p>Oh, this is an unresolved issue. Phil sounds so angry each time he mentions Jonah's name...</p><p>It doesn't help that he takes a deep breath. When Phil continues talking about Jonah, there's still the rage in his voice. "He wanted to go on. He said we could find a new singer - he did some background singing too, but he didn't claim to be the next singer but he proposed he could take care of the vocals until we had a new singer. He said even though I could return one day, it would be a pity to let go of what we had."</p><p>"Wow. What an asshole." Lottie just can't keep quiet at that point. But instead of scolding her, Phil smiles at her.</p><p>"Honestly? Yeah. We had such a good time together, I really trusted him and all. But then, he just turned his back on me and - yeah, maybe he was right, maybe it would have been the wisest thing to do. After all, Lights was pretty successful and letting go of it just because one quarter of the band wasn't able to keep up anymore... But it wasn't about the numbers. Martyn told him it's about family and that's why he decided to let go of Lights if I couldn't be a part of it anymore."</p><p>"What about Lee?" Lottie inquires.</p><p>And all of a sudden, Phil's smile is back. (Wow. Maybe, after all, there was something going on between the two of them.)<br/>(Or maybe he's still glad he didn't lose both of his closest friends when he was doing so bad already.)</p><p>"He agreed with Martyn. I didn't expect him to - after all, Jonah seemed to represent the reasonable side of the band. But Lee said the band became his family. So it was either all of us or - nothing. Well, Jonah didn't see it that way. We fell out with him, he left and we haven't talked to him since. After a while, we felt a bit bad sorry because well, he wasn't the same category of asshole as the guys from our management. The band meant everything to him, it wasn't just about the success for him. But... Still, he behaved like an asshole."</p><p>Phil stretches, he takes a deep sip from his cup. His voice sounds a bit raspy by now. (Not as hoarse as it used to a few years ago. Back when - before he had the surgery.) "So, that's it. That's how we broke up. That's the big mess."</p><p>Even though Phil avoids looking at Dan, he can't tell if he was actually talking to Lottie or if this story was meant to be for him. Because -</p><p>Damn, everything makes so much more sense now. Not the way Phil treated him, but everything surrounding it.</p><p>And Dan doesn't know how to feel anymore.</p><p>On one hand, he feels like he asked for too much back then. Phil had so many problems, he had so much to deal with. The surgery. The imminent end of his career. The imminent end of the band, resulting in problems for the people he cared about. The trouble with their management. Their financial issues. No wonder he couldn't take care of a boyfriend on top of that.</p><p>But on the other hand - Dan didn't want Phil to take care of him. He wanted to be his boyfriend. Including making it through hard times together, including supporting Phil no matter what. Phil never gave him the change to do so, though.</p><p>He isn't the only one struggling with Phil's story. They all stay quiet for now, digesting it. Lottie drums on the table with her fingertips, Phil rotates his cup, they both look thoughtful. But then, all of a sudden, Lottie lifts her head, looking determined.</p><p>She sounds determined as well. "Okay. Sorry, Phil, but you need to do more talking. You can't leave us hanging on that note. We need a happy ending."</p><p>Phil moves his head from side to side. "Oh, really? What about the cupcakes?"</p><p>Lottie just shrugs it off. "They still need to cool down. And we need a happy ending."</p><p>Well, to be honest - Dan agrees. Not exactly because he needs a positive twist on Phil's story - for him, it's more about the distraction from the pain in his chest. Damn, they could’ve had it all - he would’ve been ready to support Phil. It may have gotten a bit overwhelming, after all, he was so young, he'd just finished school, no idea what to do next. So taking care of his boyfriend might have been an enormous task. But he was willing to take it on.</p><p>Instead, he could never call Phil his boyfriend. Instead, he had to wait several years to finally find out what happened back then, when Phil decided to block him, to exclude him from his life.</p><p>It doesn't take more to convince Phil. He doesn't seem to be super keen on decorating cupcakes - and maybe he needs a positive twist too. (Well, he could have had a positive twist back then. If Dan had been able to call him...)</p><p>"Okay. So - I guess you want to hear what happened next - and how we managed to bring the band back to life?"</p><p>"Yes, exactly." Lottie agrees, not even trying to narrow it down. No, she wants the whole story. (Dan can understand her. When he had been in her place, when he’d been a fan, finally able to talk to his favourite singer... He’d had quite a few questions for Phil too.)</p><p>"Okay. In that case - I think I'll start with Lee, that's the easiest part." Phil begins. "He settled down, simple as that. He's one hundred percent a family guy and when it became clear we couldn't go on tour anymore, he... Well, first he caught up with everything he missed out on in the previous years. Just lived his life, a normal life like everyone else, enjoyed being at home. He started giving drum lessons, but that was more of a hobby - he didn't actually need the money, he could survive on the money we made with Lights, even after breaking up. Well, at least after we solved the breach of contract issue... Then, he fell in love, he married her, they had a child together... Things turned out good for him. It's what makes him happy. The band made him happy too and he was so glad when we were able to reunite, but his family means everything to him."</p><p>Yep, excellent distraction. Dan actually likes hearing Lee's story. After all, he's the drummer of his former favourite band and it's good to know he's doing fine. Also - he got to know Lee by now. And he's such a cool guy. No need to dwell on things he never had when he can learn more about this cool guy.</p><p>But then, Phil's expression turns a bit more serious and his smile disappears. "It wasn't that easy for me, though. I had the surgery, I lost my voice - I was still able to talk afterwards, but there was no way I could sing, especially not the way I did before the surgery. So I had to get a new life. And..."</p><p>A big sigh. "I lost so much. I lost almost everything I loved."</p><p>This time, Phil turns to Dan. And the way he focuses on him...<br/>It's about him. Dan knows for sure he's not just talking about his career, about his band, about his dream - he's including Dan too.</p><p>So much about distraction.</p><p>Just a few seconds later, Phil continues, acting like this moment never took place. "I signed up for university - again. I had started uni before but then, Lights got more successful - actually successful - and I was busy making music and going on tour, so I dropped out. After the surgery, I returned and I did manage to get a degree. But it wasn't what I was looking for - it didn't help me find a new path in life. Luckily, I started making music again, just Martyn and me, just for ourselves, just trying new stuff. In the beginning, I didn't sing at all, but my voice got better and better, so... Baby steps, basically."</p><p>He shakes his head, not willing to linger on that part of his life. "Martyn... He did some small jobs at that time. Somehow, we all weren't able to move on, we all hoped there'd be a way we could return as a band - we weren't able to commit to another career. So Martyn had some DJ jobs and he started working as a producer for other artists - rather small artists, though. He still loved playing the guitar but the last few months, he had gotten into production more and more so he was happy to focus on that, making it his new job. And that's how he met Corn."</p><p>"Oh! We're getting closer to the point when Lights reunited?" Lottie inquires. But Phil shakes his head.</p><p>"Closer... Well, a bit. But it still took a long time and a few more steps. After all, it wasn't about Lights at all in the beginning. Corn loved to sing but she wasn't actually successful. It was her hobby, nothing more - Martyn and her did produce an album, but the money she earned only covered the expenses she’d had. Same with her gigs. But they had fun and that's what they cared about. She still had her full time job as some kind of accountant - I don't know what exactly she did or which company she worked for. She was some kind of manager, though. Not super high-ranked but she was responsible for several people, she had to organize stuff, she had to watch spendings."</p><p>Well, Dan wouldn't have expected that. Corn really doesn't look like an accountant, she doesn't even behave like an accountant. She was way too laid-back. But hey, he doesn't complain, he really likes Corn and he's glad she didn't turn into a narrow-minded party-killer.</p><p>"So it wasn't about the money. It wasn't just about the music either, though. Martyn fell in love with her. God, he was so annoying sometimes - every time they hung out, he returned to our apartment only talking about her, how funny she is, how much fun they had... But they worked together. She was kind of depending on him - and she was paying him. So he didn't dare to make a move. It was so stupid - she liked him too, it was pretty obvious and if they'd just dropped the pretence of 'we work together', they could have been so much happier. Well, that's why it took something bigger to make him get out of his shell."</p><p>Lottie takes a guess. "You threatened to beat him up?"</p><p>Phil laughs, but he shakes his head. "No. Sorry to disappoint you, but... No. It wasn't me who took action, it was - well, fate, apparently. Because one day, Corn broke down in the studio. She told Martyn she had gone to see a doctor and that he had told her she had some vocal cord issues. Well, Martyn couldn't stay professional at that point anymore - he decided to get personal in order to comfort her. He told her about me, told her about my struggles - he knew what she felt like so he was able to comfort her."</p><p>By now, it doesn't even hurt anymore. Dan feels a little twinge in the pit of his stomach but he's numb.</p><p>Martyn and Corn had what he and Phil could have gotten too. One of them had vocal cord issues, the other one was willing to support them. Damn, it's so easy and Dan hopes Phil noticed it too - that Phil felt bad about it too.</p><p>If he does, he doesn’t let it show. Phil just goes on with his story. “Well, she stopped singing - they stopped working together. And instead, they grew closer - finally. Didn't take them much longer to get into a relationship. She started hanging out at our place all the time, I talked with her a lot about the treatment for her vocal cords... Her case wasn't that severe, though, she was lucky. But even after the treatment, we spent a lot of time together. It was nice having her over, she slowly became our roommate, even if not officially yet. Martyn wanted to teach her how to play the guitar, she wasn't a big fan but she really liked playing the bass and soon, we made music together. Just hanging out, jamming a bit..."</p><p>There's a smile on Phil's face now. You can tell that this was when things went uphill for him again. And Dan...</p><p>Ugh, he's still angry at Phil. But getting to know Phil's story does more to him than that. Damn, he would have liked to be a part of the story - it's not because he's jealous, because he feels he's missing out, but...</p><p>One decision. One fucking decision. And now he's just a bystander in Phil's life.</p><p>As Phil takes a little break, Lottie decides to breech the subject again. "So you were able to sing at that point?"</p><p>Phil nods. "Yeah. Not a lot, but... a bit at a time. Also, I was still writing songs. It felt so strange in the beginning because - I wondered if it was useless. If I was never able to actually perform them. Well, at least Martyn made sure we turned them into songs so they didn't just disappear. And - I just couldn't stop. Writing songs is the way I'm able to express myself. If I don't put my thoughts into a song, I feel like my head bursts."</p><p>Again, Phil looks over at Dan. But this time, it's not about their past, this time, it's about their present and he's right, he's absolutely right, Dan knows this feeling too. The urge to write lyrics, the freeing feeling of taking up a pen, humming a melody, writing down a song - looking at the scribbles after a few hours, feeling like a weight got lifted off his shoulders.</p><p>It somehow takes away a bit of his grudge. Phil has - well, maybe it's not even Phil who changed. Dan did, that's for sure. Back when they spent so much time together, he watched Phil scribble some lyrics on a piece of paper a few times, but he couldn't relate. Today, he can; he knows what it feels like.</p><p>He's not the same Dan anymore. He's not the young, purposeless guy who got ghosted by Phil. And that's actually a bit relieving.</p><p>Obviously, Lottie doesn't share their experiences. She waves her hand, urging Phil to go on. He obliges. "And when Corn was at our place all the time, it increased. We spent so much time making music and slowly, my voice got better - the doctors were right, I would never return to my old voice, I would never be able to go back to my old singing style again unless I wanted to lose my voice within a few hours. But at least I could sing. So, slowly, we became something close to a band. Me singing, Corn on the bass, Martyn on the guitar, always trying out some mixing... We didn't talk about becoming a band, though. Until..."</p><p>Phil giggles. "One evening, we got drunk. Like, really drunk. We were still able to hold our instruments, I think we even did some jamming but we were so drunk that we got sentimental. And suddenly, we started talking about founding a new band. There were so many songs to write and produce and perform and so much to try out and - we were sick of keeping it to our little apartment, we wanted to take our music outside, show it to the world."</p><p>"But you didn't have a drummer yet." Lottie notes, her eyes sparkling.</p><p>"Exactly. Well, we didn't have one in our apartment, but luckily, we knew one. And we also knew that Lee was basically free - that he hadn’t joined another band at least. And hey, the idea was awesome, he had to be on board, there was no reason for him to say no - at least that's what our drunken brains told us. So we called a taxi, crammed ourselves into the car with Corn's bass and Martyn's guitar and a tiny mixing console he really wanted to take with him and we went to Lee's place. In the middle of the night."</p><p>Lottie laughs. And even Dan can't hold back. (Well maybe losing a bit of his grudge helps too. Slowly he's able to put aside the resentment and - basically, it's like it used to be before Phil started talking about his past. After all, they got along quite okay while they prepared the batter too and Dan feels they're reaching that level again.)</p><p>Prompted by their amusement, Phil goes on. And thus, he begins his tale of an unforgettable night.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>Lee stared at them. He stared at them as if it wasn't good old Martyn, Phil and Corn but Santa, the Easter Bunny and - maybe Slenderman? And they -</p><p>They waited. They just waited for him to react, to say anything. After all, they had said enough already. "Hey, Lee. We want to revive Lights. Are you in?"</p><p>Then, the spell was broken. Lee slowly shook his head, he laughed helplessly. And - "You're fucked up, guys. Have you even looked at the time? You just come up with 'hey, let's come together as Lights again' in the middle of the night and then you come over to my house? It's the most rockstar thing you softies have ever done and by that I mean the most fucked up thing you've ever done. But - of course I'm in, you shitheads!"</p><p>He was in. Lee was in. They were all in. That was - oh god, that was unbelievable, that was -</p><p>There was the sound of a door opening. Then, Louise, Lee's wife, appeared at the top of the stairs. She glanced down, still sleepy, but it changed at once when she spotted them. Small Corn, looking even smaller than usual, perched between Phil and Martyn, clinging to her bass. Martyn, the strap of his guitar bag casually put on his shoulders. Phil, brimming with excitement. All of them sporting the biggest grins in the world, probably.</p><p>Maybe they should have felt bad. Yes, Lee was right, it was the middle of the night and well, it’s rude to wake up your former drummer - your new drummer - at that time - rude, yet acceptable. But it wasn't just about Lee, it was about Louise too, and oh god, Darcy, their daughter, probably was asleep too.</p><p>Phil couldn't even begin to feel bad about it. All of a sudden, Louise leant forward and - she started laughing. She just started laughing and she kept laughing and she couldn't stop and she had to cling to the railing so she didn't fall over.</p><p>As Phil turned his head, he noticed that Martyn and Corn were similarly surprised by her reaction. Lee, however... "Darling. The child. You'll wake her up."</p><p>But he was smiling. And at that moment, Phil felt like it could actually work out. Because - of course, Martyn and Corn had been on his side all along, they just... They just had been waiting to be able to make music again. (Even though Corn had never experienced how it felt to be a part of a band.) But Lee had an orderly life and still he was on board and his wife supported them too and -</p><p>This could actually work out.</p><p>Lee didn't send them home at that point. Instead, they ended up in his basement, in the comfortable room where he had his drums and luckily enough space for a few more musicians he hadn’t taken into account when he had built this house, when he had decided to make this his drums room. And -</p><p>They were making music. Jamming along, trying new things, trying some stuff Corn, Martyn and Phil already had played in their apartment, trying to play a song Phil's had in mind... And they talked. They needed to take breaks every now and then because they were all so thrilled, they couldn't just focus on making music, because -</p><p>There were so many opportunities. It felt like the world had changed now that they had gotten their band back.</p><p>It was Corn who proposed to take the final step. Up to that point, nobody really had addressed where they were headed, but it had felt like - like the next step from their little flatmates-quasi-band. And well, they had just done it for fun so it had seemed logical that Lights would have been just a hobby too.</p><p>Not for Corn, though. Her eyes were sparkling as she floated one suggestion after another. "We need to get our music out there" - "we can do it on our own" - and she told them stories about becoming independent artists, about the time she had worked at a recording company back in Sweden, about becoming their manager, about being able to do whatever they wanted and - it may not be professional, it may not be perfect but it was sincere and real and the music business lacked some realness and even if they didn't come close to the success of former days, it would still be so awesome.</p><p>They all looked at each other and each one of them had this facial expression, this incredulity but oh, they were so excited, they were all so excited and - it was one of the best moments in Phil's life. At that moment he knew he loved them, he loved Lee, he loved Martyn, he loved Corn and most of all, he loved Lights, he loved being a part of Lights again, he loved having Lights in his life again.</p><p>It was overwhelming. But he was happy, so, so happy.</p><p>They couldn't stay up forever, though, they couldn't enjoy this exhilaration forever. Lee offered them some places to sleep - Martyn and Corn got the guest room, Phil agreed to sleep on the couch. And when they woke up the next day, they were sober.</p><p>Breakfast was the most awkward meal ever. Louise scurried around, preparing breakfast for them as they were hiding their faces in their hands, trying to ignore the headache (maybe they shouldn't have had some beers during their little band meeting. Maybe they should have slept instead,) trying not to feel that bad. But it was hard. </p><p>It was so middle-class in Lee's house - it was such a lovely house, Louise was so lovely, everything was so lovely and there they were, some fucked up wannabe rockstars and now they were sober and Phil feared that it might be over. That it had been... Like a dream. Something that belonged to last night, something that didn't make it to the next day.</p><p>Nobody said a word - at least not about what had happened the day before. Lee tried to apologise to Louise for being such a mess, but she just waved it off. Corn thanked her as Louise handed her another cup of coffee. Martyn lifted his head, looked at Phil and - there was something in his eyes, something telling Phil that Martyn was afraid too, that Martyn was afraid to let go of last night, of making the bubble pop.</p><p>When Louise left the room, it became all quiet. Just a little klink as Corn put her cup down.</p><p>But then, Louise was back. And this time, it wasn't about being lovely anymore, this time it wasn't about providing them with breakfast anymore. She pulled out the chair next to her husband, sat down - and she slammed something on the table. "Okay, sweeties. You've had your fair share of fun yesterday, I let you recover a little bit. But now -"</p><p>Pieces of paper. Several pieces of paper and she moved them across the table so they could all take a look at them. It was a black and white design, it was some letters, it was -<br/>It was a logo. The letters spelled 'Lights'.</p><p>Louise cleared her voice. "Guys, you need a new logo. Seriously, who designed the old one? My daughter could have done better."</p><p>A logo. A fucking logo. And Louise's sketches looked amazing, they actually looked super dope - Phil couldn't even feel offended, they had liked their old logo but he had to admit that she was right, that it just wasn't cool anymore. Her sketches were cool, though.</p><p>It wasn't just about the design, though. It was -</p><p>It said 'Lights'. The logo said 'Lights'. It was right there, in front of them, in black and white, literally, it -</p><p>It would go on. Lights actually existed again, it hadn’t been just a dream, it hadn’t been just a fun thing to talk about while drunk - Lights was back and Phil took a look at the other people at the table, at his band members, and yes, he was right, they were back. They were all in, even now that they were sober - they were all so relieved, they were so happy, they were -</p><p>They were back. Lights was back.</p><p>~*~*~ </p><p>Phil ends his tale by hiding his grin behind his cup. He can’t hide from Lottie, though.</p><p>"Awww. That's so cute. And ridiculous," She declares. For a moment, it looks like Phil is taking offence but then he just smiles at her. She's right and he can't deny it.</p><p>(Hearing Lights' story doesn't feel that bad anymore. By now, Dan is completely disconnected - it's just about a random band that happens to have his ex lover as singer. Compared to hearing about Phil's medical issues before, that's super harmless.)</p><p>Lottie doesn't let Phil off the hook yet. She doesn't believe the story is over already. "So - did it work?"</p><p>"Reuniting Lights? Yeah. Well, band-wise it did. After all, we were all free, we were all willing. Corn quit her job and we focused on making music. It took some time and those were uncertain times, after all, we didn't know if we could actually make money with our music again. Our former management said we wouldn't. But then, we announced our reunion and - our fans were ecstatic. It was incredible. Of course, we probably lost a bunch, we probably lost a bunch more when we actually published our first song because this wasn't the band they were used to, but still - there were so many people out there who were still interested in us. We couldn't believe it." Phil recounts with a smile.</p><p>And Dan wasn't. Dan was one of the fans they lost. It didn't take a taste of their new music, though. It just took -</p><p>Phil continues. "The first album was a success. Like, an actual success. It exceeded our expectations by far. We knew we were doing the right thing before. We wanted to make music together, we were so happy to be a band again even when we didn't even know if it would work out. But the success... It was incredible."</p><p>The smile on Phil's face... Damn, Dan would love to be petty, he would love to call him out on his greed. But it's obvious that he isn't gloating over the money he made - it's about Lights, the band that means everything to him.</p><p>Then, Phil decides to wrap up the story. "We moved to London soon after. Manchester was alright, it helped us get started again, but we felt it was necessary to go to London to make some stuff work better. Everything is in London, after all. TV and radio stations, other artists, record companies... If we wanted to keep doing the work mostly on our own, we needed to make it easier for ourselves. And we did that by moving to London. We got ourselves our own studio and an apartment - Martyn, Corn and me. Corn officially moved in with us at that point."</p><p>Before Phil can go on, Lottie points something out. "What about Lee?"</p><p>"He didn't go with us. He has his family, after all - they have their house on the countryside and all. But it's okay. By now, each of us took over some tasks, but for Lee, it's just about the drumming, so he doesn't need to be around all the time. We do a lot of video calls, we send him audio files and stuff and when it's serious recording time, he visits us. Louise helps us out with some design stuff so it works out quite well, everyone is happy with that solution." Phil answers.</p><p>Now Dan intervenes. "Oh, that's why he had his family with him in your studio!"</p><p>"Exactly. We tried out some stuff, recorded some songs... Most of the time, he's on his own when he visits, though. This time was an exception - Darcy had no school so Lee decided to combine band and family by taking his family on a little trip to London." Phil explains.</p><p>"To London - and to the Harry Potter place" Dan corrects him and Phil grins at him.</p><p>"Yeah. Right. The Harry Potter place. How could I forget about it? Oh, by the way - Darcy asked me to tell you that it was amazing. She wants to know how you react to that but she basically let me know that I'm only allowed to tell her that you are green with envy."</p><p>Oh, little Darcy... What a rascal. Dan laughs. And somehow, he feels so comfortable right now. Way better than he felt when he had this little conversation with Darcy.</p><p>Because back then, Phil was a prick. Because back then, Phil was mad at him for getting along with his bandmates that well. Damn, he knows what's on stake, he knows that the harmony between them is built on shaky ground. But he wants to know, he needs to know why Phil treated him that way, why it was such a big issue for him that his bandmates liked him.</p><p>Well, that's until he remembers something - or rather, someone.</p><p>Lottie. They're not on their own and as Dan turns towards her, he notices that she looks like she felt a bit left out, not knowing what they were talking about because they got swept away, just talking to each other like acquaintances, no grudge included.</p><p>He can't ask his questions in front of Lottie. It's not about them right now, it's about her. And on top of that - who knows where this question would lead? What would be the next question? Dan had felt the urge to confront Phil for so long, but now, for the first time, he actually feels like he could do it.</p><p>In theory. If it wasn't for Lottie. So Dan pushes aside the questions, smiling at Lottie. "So now that you heard Phil's story - and well, my story too... Should we start decorating the cupcakes? I want to get my black cupcake after all."</p><p>Lottie clearly hasn't racked her brain as much about it as Dan. She returns his smile. "Let's get it done!"</p><p>~*~*~</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>let's spend a bit more time with lottie! \o/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Fuck, Lottie, how is this even supposed to work? This fucking horn has to be small but I can't do such a small thing, it keeps breaking!" Dan groans as he chucks his spatula on the kitchen counter.</p><p>Fondant, oh boy. More like fon-don't. Dan wasn't a big fan before - of course, he likes looking at fancy cakes and he had ordered some cakes covered in fondant before but it's just a tad too sweet for his taste. He didn't actively dislike fondant before, though. Well, that was until Lottie ordered him to cut out some forms out of fondant. His star looked like somebody blindfolded him - you needed someone to tell you what it was supposed to be to actually recognize it. And then - the damn horn. This was his third try but every time he tries to lift the small grey thing, it breaks.</p><p>Lottie isn't impressed, not even by his extensive use of swear words. (Of course she isn't. She's just too badass.) She just grins at him as she rolls out another sheet of fondant - this time, it's bright pink. "Stop complaining. I don't want a fucking horse cupcake, so we need a fucking horn."</p><p>"But it wasn't me who wanted a unicorn cupcake!" Dan objects.</p><p>"But you were the one who didn't let me make rainbow cupcakes." Phil intervenes. Oh great, now he's putting the blame on him too. Only because he saved them from the disaster that rainbow cupcakes would have become...</p><p>Dan isn't willing to give up yet, though. "Well, I kept it simple. Look - black cupcake. Black fondant. Voilà. A masterpiece."</p><p>In fact, they only finished one cupcake by now - Dan's dream cupcake. It sits on a table, looking a bit lonely but super stylish, all black.</p><p>Stylish and easy, that is. After all, they didn't have to cut out different forms. Sadly, his baking accomplices don't share his taste. Phil - well, you've got to give it to him, he didn't insist on getting a unicorn cupcake. Lottie asked him which design he wanted, Phil shrugged and apparently just said the first thing that came to his mind - which was a unicorn for whatever reason. He tried to take it back immediately, realizing how difficult it would be to craft a unicorn out of fondant, but Lottie wasn't willing to let it slip. They were doing a unicorn cupcake, over and out. So now, she's working on a colourful mane - at least Phil gets his rainbow that way -, while Dan and Phil are busy with the actual unicorn. Phil tries to build a horse, Dan has a crisis about the horn.</p><p>"Hey, I wanted to make a green cupcake. Blame Lottie - she said it's lame." Phil protests. Again - he's right, unfortunately. After realizing his unicorn mistake, he switched to a unicolor concept instead. Lottie did agree - but first, they had to make something cool, she said.</p><p>She didn't let them get away with their complaints before, she doesn't let them get away now. "Guys. Could you please stop bawling? You're artists, goddammit."</p><p>Dan opens his mouth, ready to object, to point out that his art is different, that she should have asked to work on a song for a day if she wanted to make use of both his and Phil's artistic talent. But he doesn't get to. There's a knock on the door and then, Em peeks into the room. "Hey, guys. How are you doing?"</p><p>'Becoming exasperated with a unicorn's horn, but apart from that, everything is fine, thanks.' No, Dan decides to spare her the truth. Instead, he smiles at her. "Good, good. We're doing good."</p><p>"Yeah, we're having fun." Phil agrees. And Lottie... Well, she snorts, trying not to laugh. Luckily, Em is too far away to notice it. She just catches Dan and Phil's assurances.</p><p>"Awesome." She smiles, now properly entering the room. Then she reveals the reason for her visit. "We would like to take some photos now. Are you ready? Your cupcakes already look fantastic."</p><p>Dan glances at Phil's hands, at the white something he's holding, the white something that's supposed to be a unicorn's body but looks nothing like it. 'Fantastic', well, if you're into abstract art... Em can lie just as smoothly as they do.</p><p>Nevertheless, Lottie feels no need to be ashamed of their work. "Yeah, sure!"</p><p>"Cool, cool. Then I'll get the rest of the team." Em says as she's heading out again. As soon as she closes the door, Lottie turns to Dan and Phil. "Ugh. I get that it's part of the ordeal but - how do you get through photo shootings?"</p><p>Phil hums. "Well, you don't. You just suffer. Twice - once when the pictures are taken, once when you see the results."</p><p>Dan can't hide his grin. He doesn't like photo shoots that much either - it's one of the parts of his jobs he can't stand. (But hey, that's compensation for the rest of his job being that awesome.) Phil is being a bit dramatic though. So he decides to offer his own advice. "Just smile. I mean, they won't make a fuss. They just want to get a photo where we look like we're having fun. Just take a look at the poor deformed creature Phil made and you'll laugh anyway."</p><p>It doesn't even take the action - Lottie laughs about the description already. Phil doesn't. "Hey. It's not that bad. And I'm not finished yet."</p><p>They have to postpone their unicorn discussion again. Em returns and this time, she's got the rest of the team with her. There are two guys carrying some lamps and one guy with a big camera - the guy who was with them when the bouncer guy led them to the kitchen, if Dan remembers correctly. At least he's wearing the same Make-a-Wish shirt. They all wave hello at them, then they start assembling their set - putting up the lamps to make them look as good as possible.</p><p>Lottie prepares for the photo session in her own way. She tries to do some last-minute fixes - she picks up a tube with glitter, sprinkling some of it on the cupcake that's supposed to sport the unicorn. Maybe Dan should join her, maybe he should help her make the cupcakes look at least a little bit better, but to be honest... He'd only make it worse. So Dan decides to take a step back, fixing his hair without attracting attention.</p><p>He fails. Phil turns around to check what he's doing and as he catches Dan with his hand in his hair, he barely manages to turn his laugh into a snort. Yeah, alright, Mr Straight Hair Privilege...</p><p>Then, the setup is ready. The guys who carried the lights step aside, the man with the Make-a-Wish shirt adjusts his camera before smiling at them. "Okay, guys. Are you ready?"</p><p>"Hmm." It's Phil who reacts first but the photographer doesn't even wait for him to form a proper sentence. His smile gets a little bit broader.</p><p>"Okay, cool. So - Trevor, would you mind -"</p><p>Trevor. He said Trevor.</p><p>It takes Dan a few moments to take in what he just heard, to realise who this guy is talking about. Trevor - yes, right, that's the name they were told before they got here today.</p><p>Before they learnt they were meeting Lottie, not Trevor.</p><p>Dan clenches his fist. Damn, he isn't stupid, he did realise that there wasn't a mixup, that Trevor has something to do with Lottie, but - it just takes one look at Lottie to see they're not dealing with Trevor. And even if it wasn't for her long hair, for her clearly girly clothes - her mom made clear this isn't Trevor, this is Lottie. Dan is quite sure she didn't introduce Lottie only to him and Phil, he's quite sure the other people involved in this project heard about that too. So why the fuck does this guy call her Trevor? And why does nobody correct him? Why do the people around him just keep on smiling?</p><p>Okay. He needs to calm down, he really needs to calm down. But out of the corner of his eye, he can see Lottie tense up, he can see her shoulders drop. And - shit, it hurts and it hurts even more that he can't do anything, that it wouldn't make sense to snarl at the photographer, telling him he got something wrong, letting him know he's an intolerant little -</p><p>"Oh, Lottie can stand right between us. I think she should hold up the black cupcake - it's the only one we got to finish until now and it actually looks good." Phil interrupts his thoughts. There's a casual smile on his face as he puts his arm around Lottie, making her move next to him. Dan - he's a bit taken by surprise but still he takes a step forward, next to Lottie, putting his arm around her too, thus taking up the position Phil proposed.</p><p>"Oh - yes, sure, sure!" The photographer shows no sign of remorse, nothing. He still smiles, accepting Phil's suggestion right away by focusing on his camera. Just as if he hadn't misgendered Lottie just a few moments ago...</p><p>Dan's heart still races, he still feels the rage boiling inside him. The fact that Lottie's smile is a bit shaky doesn't exactly help either. But - at least she smiles. At least she feels a bit more comfortable now.</p><p>Still, it feels like the photographer takes an eternity to take the photos. Lottie holds the black cupcake, turns it in this direction, in that direction, the corners of Dan's mouth start to hurt because of his forced smile...</p><p>Then it's over and - still, no sign of remorse, no sign of an excuse. The photographer just nods at them, tells them they did a good job before he and his team pack up their stuff. A few moments later, they're on their own again. Just Dan and Phil and -</p><p>"I need to go to the restroom." Lottie pipes up. She doesn't wait for a response, she just turns around and storms out of the room. Dan's heart drops - he couldn't see her eyes, but shit, did she cry? Was she about to cry? He turns to Phil.</p><p>Oh. Oh, no.</p><p>Phil looks devastated. He pulled up the sleeves of his jumper so far he can hide his hands in them, he trembles and there's nothing left on his casual smile anymore. Just -<br/>(God, he hates the fact he can still read Phil's face that well.)<br/>- fear. Panic. Sadness.</p><p>"Phil, what -"</p><p>Dan doesn't get to finish his sentence, Phil interrupts him. "I fucked up. I know. I fucked up. Hard."</p><p>He did what?</p><p>Dan stares at him with disbelief. So that's why he's so bummed out? Because of the way he reacted? God, this guy, he -</p><p>"Phil. You didn't fuck up, are you kidding me? You did the right thing, you -" Only now does Dan realise what exactly Phil did. Not only did he intervene before Dan could actually make things messy - he managed to cope with the situation without starting a drama. Most of all - he managed to make Lottie calm down. So why the hell is he doubting himself now?</p><p>The question loses its importance right away. It just takes a look at Phil, still trembling, still feeling bad, and -</p><p>Ah, fuck it.</p><p>Dan steps forward, taking a deep breath. Oh, he feels so uncomfortable, this is such a big leap out of his comfort zone, but - it's not like it's completely new to him, either - right now, it's not about him, it's about Lottie and it's about Phil who leapt to Lotties defense at once and now feels like he did the wrong thing. So Dan tries to put on a smile and then...</p><p>And then he hugs Phil.</p><p>It doesn't feel as strange as he'd expected. No regrets, no bad memories rushing through his head all of a sudden - just Phil putting his arms around him immediately, clinging to him. That drives the message home that it was the right decision, that Phil really needed a hug.</p><p>Dan closes his eyes, he starts patting Phil's back. "Listen. You did a great job. You stood up for her. That's amazing. I -" He sighs. Yes, while Phil took action, he was busy cursing under his breath. How helpful. Luckily, Phil had the presence of mind to actually do something. "I didn't know what to do. I guess I would have talked to her afterwards, telling her that she's valid and this guy isn't."</p><p>Finally - some reaction from Phil. He snorts. "Yeah. What a fuckhead. It's obvious she doesn't want to be called Trevor - and he made her feel so bad."</p><p>"Yeah. I hope she's okay..." Dan muses. They still don't know if she actually cried - Phil didn't say anything about it either. But she was so distressed - and rightfully so.</p><p>"Hmm." Thus, Phil pulls back, letting go of him. He smiles at Dan, an awkward attempt to say thank you, probably. But his mind returns to Lottie immediately - to Lottie and the unpleasant incident. "God, I'm so pathetic."</p><p>Dan freezes. Still? Phil still thinks that way? Damn, he brought himself to hug Phil even if he really didn't want to, even if he feared it might make things really awkward - and still, Phil feels he did the wrong thing? He's so dumb, seriously.</p><p>Wait. Is he, though? No. Actually, Dan gets why he feels that way. After all, Phil's move didn't catch him by surprise for no reason. It's not a Phil thing to do, he must have felt so uncomfortable. Damn, he is way too peaceful to confront someone like that (well, at least when it's not about Dan. He wouldn't have had any issues facing him,) even though he chose the most peaceful option. That's why he doubts everything, that's why he may even be able to realise he helped Lottie - but still worry about behaving the wrong way.</p><p>So if Dan being nice didn't help to convince Phil 100 percent... Dan decides to change his approach. "You are, Phil. You are pathetic. But not because of what you did before."</p><p>It - it seems to help. Phil rolls his eyes at him, but there's a smile, finally, there's a smile Phil can't hold back even though he'd probably prefer to do so. Maybe the penny dropped, maybe he realised everything is okay, maybe he's okay now. But maybe that's just the first step.</p><p>Dan lifts his hand and cups Phil's cheek. He needs to get his point across, damn it.</p><p>Wait. What is he doing? He's -</p><p>Phil looks at him, his smile fades away. No, he doesn't go back to self-doubting - the corners of his mouth are slightly quirked up still. But there's a big question in his eyes, a big 'What?' and well, Dan doesn't have the answer, he - he just wants to comfort Phil, nothing else, really.</p><p>This is when someone opens the door. Dan takes a step back, pulling his hand away, Phil turns around to take a look at the newcomer. Well, newcomer - it's more of a comeback. It's Lottie and she's standing in the doorway, not sure if she should come in.</p><p>And there are tears on her cheeks, tears in her eyes.</p><p>"Hey, Lottie -" Dan begins, trying to gloss over her distress. There's no need for her to feel insecure anymore, they're on their own now, no braindead photographers in here anymore - they can return to having fun.</p><p>Lottie isn't up to it, though. She interrupts him. "I'm trans."</p><p>There it is. The explanation. Now they know what's up.</p><p>Dan really appreciates that she's so honest with them, he really does. But -<br/>Still, it sucks that she couldn't do it on her own terms. It sucks that it wasn't her own decision. It sucks that she was forced to take that step. It didn't seem like she'd talk about it without this incentive and - damn, there was no need for Lottie to let them in, at least until this photographer decided to misgender her.</p><p>This time, Dan knows what to do. This time, he doesn't feel out of place. He walks over to Lottie and pulls her into a hug. Just like Phil before, she gladly accepts it, holding on to him and -<br/>She sobs. He can feel her body shaking, he can feel her tears soaking the fabric of his pullover, he can hear the pain in every single sob and shit, it breaks his heart, it really does.</p><p>"Oh, Lottie." Suddenly - Phil's voice right next to him. Phil right next to them, patting Lottie's back. Their eyes meet and Dan can tell that Phil finally stopped worrying about whether he reacted the right way before - now, he’s only worrying about Lottie, about this poor girl who's crying so hard.</p><p>For a while, they don't move. They stay where they are, right next to the door, Lottie digging her fingers into Dan's back, still crying, Dan holding her, Phil stroking her back... Then, as the sobs run dry, Phil suggests with a shaky voice to move over to the table. They do so, taking up their old spots, Dan's gaze falls upon the empty cups they left there... Just a few moments ago. Just a few moments ago, they sat here too, but they were so lighthearted, they laughed, they bickered - and Lottie had a smile on her face, not tears.</p><p>"So..." Phil clears his voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>He feels awkward again, that's obvious. Understandable - his question isn't exactly smooth. But can you actually ask smooth questions after someone had a breakdown - after someone had a breakdown because they were outed and misgendered?</p><p>Lottie wipes her face with her sleeve. Immediately, Dan gets up to find some tissues - he has to rummage through several drawers before he can find some. In the meantime, she answers. "No. I mean - yes. Like, I want to tell you what's going on. But normally, I don't want to talk about it. Thanks, Dan." She accepts the tissue with a faint smile, Dan sits down again. </p><p>For a moment, he considers proposing making another round of chocolate, but... No. He knows it would help calm Lottie down, it would make her feel better, but he's pretty sure the delay would throw her off. She feels the need to talk and Dan knows that urge - every little delay makes it more difficult when you don't really want to talk.</p><p>Lottie takes a breather, she blows her nose and tries to wipe away her tears. Then, she takes a deep breath. "Okay. So... I'm trans. I was born as a boy but I knew pretty soon that something wasn’t right. I didn't know what was wrong, though. The day I found out thattransgender people existed... It was the best day of my life."</p><p>"So you're telling me today isn't the best day of your life?" Phil pretends to be shocked and Dan is about to scold him because - no, it's really not the right time to make a joke, it's really not the right topic for a joke. But then Lottie giggles - a faint giggle but nevertheless a sign of happiness and Dan has to admit that it's probably not faint because it was a bad joke but because she can't do more so shortly after her breakdown.</p><p>"Rest assured, Phil. It's the second best day of my life." She grins at him, before she gets serious again. "That day... Things started to make sense. It wasn't a big revelation, it wasn't like 'boom. trans,' but - it felt so good to be able to finally relate to something. I never fit in and all of a sudden, there was a space where I didn't feel out of place. It was such a relief."</p><p>Dan reaches out to put his hand on Lottie's. She's doing a bit better by now - there's a slight smile on her face and she’s actually stopped crying. Still, she's in need of support. And Dan is willing to give her that support - even if he doesn't find the right words, even if he has to rely on gestures.</p><p>"When I finally felt comfortable identifying as a girl, identifying as trans... It helped me a lot, of course. It's good to know you're not alone, there are other people like me out there, there are ways to deal with it - you find out about stuff like that when you have a name for the thing that makes you feel different." She sighs. "But at the same time... I hated it. I was the odd one out. It's so unfair - other people are born and nobody asks them to validate their gender over and over again. That's why I hate talking about it. I just want it to be normal. It is normal for me - I am Lottie, simple as that. But some dickheads fixate so much on - on Trevor. On a person that doesn't exist."</p><p>Dan's heart drops. They witnessed one incident today - but that's not the first time that someone has misgendered Lottie. She knows the ordeal, she's been through it several times already. And damn, each time was one time too much.</p><p>Something in Lottie's smile changes. It turns bitter as she continues to speak. "But it wouldn't be like that forever, I told myself. I could transition. And - I didn't know how it would work out. Maybe I needed to move away so people could get to know Lottie without knowing about Trevor. But then..."</p><p>"You got your diagnosis." Phil finishes her sentence, his voice shaking. Lottie nods, she closes her eyes for a moment.</p><p>When she opens them again, she doesn't lift her head. She stares at her hands instead. "I can't tell you how much I hate my fucking body. First, it didn't let me be who I really was and then, it just decided to fucking die. I can't even - I was really looking forward to the future, to the changes I could make. And then I learnt there would be no future."</p><p>"Oh god, Lottie..." Dan whispers, unable to hold back. Damn, it hurts so much to hear her story, to hear about her setbacks... She's right, it's unfair. It's so fucking unfair and he would love to change it, he would love to give her the happy ending she deserves but he can't, he can't do anything.</p><p>Now, Lottie lifts her head, she tries to smile at him. Still, her voice cracks. "I just want to be Lottie. But I don't have the time anymore to transition. And at the moment, people won't accept me as Lottie."</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, Dan can see Phil clenching his fist. His voice is full of suppressed rage. "Fuck, this photo guy isn't supposed to have a say in that. He's -"</p><p>"It's not just him." Lottie interrupts him, exuding exhaustment from every pore. Like Dan noticed before - she's been through that ordeal several times already. "People at school. The other patients in hospice. If I'm not the odd one out for having a terminal disease, they bully me by using my deadname. But it's not only mean people. It's the nice people too."</p><p>Dan swallows hard. He needs to say something to cheer Lottie up, right now. "But - your parents are pretty cool, aren't they? After all, they tried to make sure everyone knew what was going on."</p><p>Lottie shrugs. "Yeah. I mean - they're chill. They accepted me as Lottie and they never complained about losing their son. But..." Another crack in her voice. "What if it's only because of the cancer? What if they just want me to be happy, what if it's just about making my remaining time on earth as nice as possible? I don't know how they would have reacted if I hadn't gotten ill and I'm scared they wouldn't be that chill in that case."</p><p>Dan turns his head, his eyes meet Phil's. There's no need to say it aloud - they both feel absolutely helpless. Hopefully listening to Lottie helps at least a tiny little bit... They could just go with a lie. Of course, they could assure Lottie that her parents would love her either way, that her parents would never cause any trouble but they don't know, they just don't know.</p><p>Then, Lottie takes a deep breath, trying to smile at them again. "Sorry. I completely ruined the mood."</p><p>"You didn't!" Dan hurries to say. "Damn, Lottie. Shut up. We wanted you to talk about it. If that's what you need..."</p><p>For a brief moment he fears he was a bit too rude. But then, a small smile appears on Lottie's face. "I guess..."</p><p>It only lasts a few seconds before she lowers her gaze again. This time, her voice is barely more than a whisper. "You know, the worst thing..." Lottie pauses. Does she consider if she should go on? If that's the case... Dan nudges her hand to tell her it's okay.</p><p>Her voice changes as she goes on. It's trembling, even more than before and Dan can tell she's on the verge of tears again. "The worst thing is that - I feel like Lottie is just an illusion. Just something I cling on to like a fucking unicorn or my imaginary friend or - I don't know. Because - shit, it isn't. It's me. But when I die, Lottie will disappear. There will be no trace of Lottie. Instead..." The tears are back, running down her face. "My gravestone will say 'Trevor'. Not Lottie. My gravestone will be for a person I don't want to be."</p><p>That's it. Dan gets up, gets over to Lottie to wrap his arms around her, to pull her close - to hide his face against her shoulder because -</p><p>Shit. It's too much. He can't bear it. He's crying too.</p><p>Now that Lottie is done talking, she can't hold back anymore either. She clings to Dan and - she's shaking even more than before, when he hugged her at the door. She's bawling, she's sobbing and every little sound she makes feels like yet another stab at Dan's heart.</p><p>He can't bear it. This is - it's more than just unfair, it's so devastating, it's so horrendous - Lottie deserves to live a regular life, to be a regular kid, but she won't get to. Lottie should be carefree and lighthearted, but she doesn't get to be; she has to carry this insane weight, she -</p><p>She wanted to take action. She wanted to change her life for the better. And then, the fucking cancer came along. That's so unfair.</p><p>Phil's hand is on his back. Dan lifts his head and looks at him and - Phil is clearly overwhelmed. He was already, but now that Dan is crying too... Damn, they had some banter not even an hour ago and now he's bawling, of course that's overwhelming. But Dan can't even think of hiding his tears, Dan can't even think of not wanting to appear weak in front of Phil.</p><p>And maybe Phil can tell. Because all of a sudden, his hand disappears, but instead he puts his arm around Dan. Around Lottie too, Dan notices as he glances down Lottie's back - he's hugging both of them and Dan just accepts it, leaning against Phil, closing his eyes, trying to stop his tears. (He wants to be strong for Lottie, damn it. He's supposed to be strong for Lottie. He's an adult, he's her idol - and now he's crying like a little baby. But - shit, any other reaction would be fake, any other reaction would belittle Lottie's suffering.)</p><p>This time they take way longer to break up their hug. Only when Phil quietly asks Lottie if she would like to continue working on their cupcake because that poor unicorn really needs some help and Lottie giggles, Dan is able to let go. They return to the kitchen counter, Lottie poking at the fondant to see if it turned solid, just as if nothing had happened. Then she looks at Dan. "Oh god. Your eyes are so puffy."</p><p>He'd feel offended. If she had said that one hour ago, he would have felt offended. Damn, he'd feel offended even right now - if it wasn't for her tone. It isn't mocking, at least not entirely. There's some kind of softness in her voice and Dan can see that she doesn't want to make fun of him. Well, she does, but she does so to tell him she feels touched by his tears - without the embarrassing ordeal of actually saying it aloud. Those teens...</p><p>Dan smiles at her and - maybe her approach makes sense. Because it helps him to actually smile, because it lifts his spirit. "Hey. You started it."</p><p>She just rolls her eyes at him. But still, there's this smile on her face, the shaky smile that shows what they've been through the last few minutes.She looks at Dan, then at Phil, and they exchange glances without saying anything, without broaching the subject, just trying to get the point across that it's okay - that everything is okay.</p><p>And just like that, Lottie is back to business. She clears her voice, picking up the pink fondant in front of her. "Okay. The fucking unicorn. Dan, you need to work on your horn. You could try to use a toothpick, maybe it will stick."</p><p>“But what if the unicorn just doesn’t feel horny today?” Dan protests and Phil snorts. Oh, so their collective breakdown threw them a bit off - but still, Phil laughs at his jokes. (And it still feels so strange to Dan. Not in a bad way, but still - strange.)</p><p>Lottie doesn’t laugh at the pun, though. Instead she picks up the rolling pin. “Dan, I swear to god -” She doesn’t get to finish her sentence. Because she can’t hold back her giggles anymore.</p><p>It takes them a while for them to adjust - it takes a while to calm down and return to their careless baking banters. But they manage to do it.</p><p>It’s not just about baking anymore. Whenever Dan glances over at Lottie, noticing how much she enjoys herself, how she feels at peace again, he believes that they really made that day special for her even though it’s just some trivial baking - something Lottie wouldn’t need the presence of two famous people for.</p><p>And that’s pretty cool.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>“What a day, mh?” Phil muses, his hands shoved in the pockets of his pants, looking at the night sky. Dan follows his gaze but - they’re in the middle of London, no chance to spot any stars.</p><p>“Yeah. But I think Lottie enjoyed it in the end.” Again, Dan reflects on their time with Lottie. There were ups and downs and oh boy, the downs were pretty rough. But they managed to create some ups to counterbalance them quite well, he supposes.</p><p>“I think so too. But - phew, I’d never had expected a baking session to be that tricky.” Phil turns his head, grinning at Dan. There’s no need to elaborate, Dan knows what he means - who could have guessed that he’d cry when he was asked to bake some cupcakes with a thirteen year old girl?</p><p>But -</p><p>This is getting a bit too intimate for Dan’s taste. It’s still Phil and yes, they had a good day - a strange day but still a good day - but that doesn’t mean they have to be best buddies now, that doesn’t mean they have to be able to read each other’s mind. So instead of agreeing, he rolls his eyes. “At least you could prepare for the baking. After all, you knew it would be about food.”</p><p>Phil catches the drift. His smile falters, he murmurs something - something along the lines ‘You know exactly what I mean’, but Dan decides to gloss over the fact he actually got what he said. Dan feels way more comfortable now that they returned to their banter.</p><p>Then, Phil gets out his phone to take a look at it. “So…”</p><p>It’s a goodbye. Phil wants to say goodbye. Their day is over, they’re supposed to part ways now. After all, they already said goodbye to Lottie, hugs and jokes included. Now it’s just them left and they’re about to go home so -</p><p>But Dan doesn’t want the evening to end.</p><p>They could grab some dinner together. Nothing fancy, nothing big, maybe just a snack - just to hang out a bit more, just to digest their day. This just feels so abrupt.</p><p>Phil lifts his head and smiles at him. He doesn’t make a move to actually say goodbye, though. And Dan wonders. Is he on the right track? Would it actually be a good idea to spend a bit more time together? Is it what Phil wants, too? Should he just - ask?</p><p>No. No, he can’t. What would they even talk about? Sure, they spent the day together - but there’s not much to talk about; they were both present, after all. So there’s bound to be awkward silences.  And the last few times they were on their own, they started arguing within minutes.</p><p>The last times they were alone. Damn, he’d really looked forward to this moment back then. He’d just wanted it to be over, he kept this moment in mind like a finish line because it would mean that they could finally part ways again. But now, it feels strange to let Phil go.</p><p>It’s not like they won’t see each other again; they’ll meet at events on a regular basis. Who knows, maybe they’ll even have a little chat next time. Still, it feels like he’s supposed to let go of Phil now.</p><p>Because it’s not about Phil, not about Phil per se. It’s about the Phil he got to know today and - damn, Dan really hates to admit it but he grew quite fond of this version of Phil. They had such a good time - even if you don’t take into account the intimate moments when they talked about Lottie’s troubles, even considering just the baking itself and all their little bickering..</p><p>But it’s over nevertheless. He can’t cling onto this moment any longer. (That’s pathetic anyway.) So instead of asking Phil to join him for dinner, he decides to say goodbye. “Well. See you.”</p><p>Phil takes a deep breath. (Damn, did he have something else for the rest of their evening in mind too? Dan decides not to dwell on that thought.) “Yeah. See you.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t walk away immediately. He gets his phone out to look up the best way to get home from here as Phil turns around and leaves.</p><p>Then, he lifts his head and watches Phil’s silhouette disappear into the darkness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>heyhey! i've got some news with me today - a new fic! would love to meet you <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26533837/chapters/64676689">there</a> ♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The new tracks are amazing. Dan really isn't a fan of complimenting his own work, but by now, he has reached the point where he’s had put so much work into the new record that he can actually appreciate it. It's what he wanted to get out there, it captures the right vibe, it's - it's almost ready for release and Dan's stomach does a little jump at the thought of that.</p><p>Still, he doesn't feel one hundred percent euphoric about that. Sure, he's proud of his baby and he really wants to show the world what he has been working on the last few months, but at the same time, it means putting himself out there. Putting his baby out there. Right now, he can still tell himself that the record is amazing, that everyone will like it, but as soon as his fans can actually purchase it, he will have to face their real opinions.</p><p>But maybe they aren't that bad, maybe it's okay to face their opinions. It's like Schrödinger's cat - as long as the record isn't released, everyone's opinions are in a big box and they can be whatever his brain tricks him into thinking.</p><p>Still - the songs are good, really good. Dan smiles as he reaches the bridge of the song he's currently listening to, he closes his eyes to focus on it. This one was Jacques' idea - well, the basic idea was Dan's, but it just didn't get the point across, it just didn't feel right, it didn't feel as big as it was supposed to. But Jacques knew what he was looking for, and with his additions, it actually turned out to be the big thing Dan wanted it to be. To be honest, that was the moment he realized how good having Jacques on their team was. (Steve, his main producer, took a bit more convincing. But as soon as they finished the last record, everyone dropping their headphones because shit, that was it, their work was done, they fucking did it - Steve hugged Jacques and cried at his shoulder. Oh, poor small fragile Jacques in Steve's bear hug... What a sight.)</p><p>All of a sudden, Dan can't focus on the music coming from his headphones anymore. Someone smacks the back of his head. He turns around, taking his headphones off as he faces Bryony. Funny - she wanted to hang out here to do some paperwork, if Dan remembers correctly. Hitting your client doesn't sound like it's a part of paperwork, though.</p><p>Dan can't even start complaining, though. Bryony explains herself immediately. "Dude, your phone is ringing. Could you please answer? Or at least - change the fucking ringtone. It's obnoxious."</p><p>He rolls his eyes at her. "It has to be. It makes me answer the phone because I want it to stop too."</p><p>Bryony isn't too happy about his explanation. She huffs. "Well, then - do it. It's been ringing for five minutes now and I can't - stand - a - single - second of this any longer."</p><p>Five minutes? Oh, now Dan gets why Bryony is so annoyed. Five minutes of the shrieking noises his phone makes... Poor girl. So without further discussion, Dan picks up his phone and takes a look at the caller ID.</p><p>Phil.</p><p>His stomach drops. Damn, he hadn't expected to see this name on his phone again after their baking session with Lottie around two weeks ago. He only didn't delete Phil's number right away because he was too lazy but he didn't expect he'd have to use it again. Just one more corpse in his phonebook... And yet, he's calling. He -</p><p>"Dan?" Bryony asks. She doesn't sound angry anymore, now there's some kind of concern in her voice.</p><p>He shakes his head, trying to calm down. Man, it's just Phil. No big deal. It's a bit strange, but that's all, no need to drive himself crazy. "Yeah, I - I'm going to head out. No need to keep distracting you."</p><p>A flimsy excuse. After all, Bryony isn't just his assistant - she's one of his closest friends. Normally, Dan doesn't mind taking a phone call in front of her and he knows she wouldn't mind him talking on the phone while she's working. (It's just the ringtone that's bugging her.) Still, he feels the need to -</p><p>(- to be alone with Phil.)</p><p>Luckily, Bryony doesn't question him. She just smiles at him, nodding, before she returns to her paperwork. Dan gets up and hurries out of the room, taking the phone call while he's still walking. "Hello?"</p><p>"Hi, it's me, Phil." Phil's voice sounds a bit metallic, but - again. Again, it reminds him of their former phone calls. The memory is a bit weaker this time because he had heard Phil's voice so often since their last phone call, but nevertheless, it's still there.</p><p>Dan decides to put it aside immediately, focusing on the call. "Hi there. What's the matter?"</p><p>"Can't I just call you to have some banter with you?" Phil mocks him. To be honest, it wouldn't be completely out of the blue, though... But before Dan can investigate further, Phil lets him in on the reason for his call. "No, really, I wanted to ask you for a favour."</p><p>Dan reaches the bench at the end of the hallway. He drops down, grinning. "A favour."</p><p>"Yes, a favour." Phil doesn't give him a shot to demonstrate the ace up his sleeve. He continues right away: "Could you ask the Make-a-Wish woman for Lottie's phone number?"</p><p>Now, Dan's quite glad he didn't push his luck. Things are getting interesting... And Phil knows about it. So - again, he just goes on. "I know, it sounds really weird. But - I miss this little brat."</p><p>Dan can hear the little smile in his voice. But he can hear how his mood drops with his next sentence just as well. "And I'm so worried about her. Especially because she talked about being trans and facing mistreatment for it all the time..."</p><p>Phil sighs. "I think she was truly happy with us - and I feel like she can't have that most of the time, because of the people judging her, because of people worrying about her due to her illness... I know, this one is a bit far-fetched, but she clearly didn't want to talk about the cancer too much and I think leaving the illness aside for a few hours was part of what made her enjoy the day with us so much."</p><p>"Yeah, I think so too." Dan agrees. It's completely reasonable after all - Lottie's situation is dire, Lottie's situation is forlorn and still, she has to face it every single day. That's why she asked for something as simple as baking.</p><p>For a moment, they both stay quiet, lingering on their thoughts. Then, Phil remembers why he called. "So - yeah. I wanted to hang out with her again so she could have another day like that. That's why I need her number."</p><p>Dan takes a deep breath. "Okay. I can ask Emily."</p><p>"Oh, awesome!" He can clearly hear Phil's relief. "I felt it might be awkward if I did it, but you seemed to be on good terms with -"</p><p>"But I want to be there, too." Dan interrupts him.</p><p>Silence. Dan can hear his heart thud.</p><p>No reaction from Phil. He's a bit overwhelmed, apparently. Well... Same. Dan feels just the same. His mouth was quicker than his brain and only now he realises what he has just demanded.</p><p>Spending yet another day with Lottie and Phil.</p><p>He hurries to explain himself. "I thought about Lottie too. And - I’m worried too. So I'd be totally up for another meeting with her."</p><p>A perfectly reasonable explanation. But it feels fake, so fake. Even though it's the truth. Phil wasn't the only one who couldn't get Lottie out of his mind, Dan thought about her and their baking session over and over again the last two weeks.</p><p>But he didn't only think of Lottie. And he didn't only demand to be part of the next meeting because of Lottie. As much as he'd like to focus on his desire to make Lottie feel comfortable, he just can't ignore the fact that it's more than that, that he has other reasons to ask to be a part of this meeting.</p><p>Is it the fear of missing out? Does he react that way because they were a little group for one day, just the three of them, and now he was about to be excluded? Yeah, maybe that's the reason.</p><p>(No. No, it isn't and Dan just can't fucking lie to himself about that.)</p><p>Phil clears his voice, keeping Dan from spiralling further. "Oh, sure! I mean - you're probably only in for..."</p><p>'For me'. Shit. He was too obvious, way too obvious. Even Phil noticed and Phil is probably the last person in the world who wants to notice that Dan wants to meet him again.</p><p>"For some bants." Phil finishes his sentence, giggling, and Dan feels so fucking relieved, he can't help but join in. He doesn't know, he still doesn't know and even if he does, he's willing to push it aside, just as Dan does.</p><p>"Of course. I only want to hear you say sweet things about me." Dan takes up the joke. Phil snorts.</p><p>Then, Dan goes back to being serious. "Okay. So I provide the number, you call Lottie - or rather, her parents?"</p><p>"Apparently," Phil says.</p><p>"Cool, cool. I’ll text you the number as soon as Emily answers. If she's allowed to just give us the number, of course."</p><p>They don't carry on their conversation for much longer. Phil agrees, then they say goodbye. After he presses the red button on his phone, Dan lets his head rest against the wall behind him.</p><p>So he will meet Phil again. Probably pretty soon and in a rather personal setting.</p><p>He just can't feel bad about it.</p><p>He still tries, though.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>Bryony is done with her paperwork the next time Phil contacts Dan. They're sitting on Dan's balcony, each a cup of coffee in front of them, Bryony is stirring it, the constant clicking somehow calms Dan down. Well, that's until his phone vibrates and he sees that Phil sent him a message.</p><p>Oh, a message. Apparently, they're past the stage of awkward phone calls - he had already wondered why Phil - who hated phone calls - ended up calling him several times. He didn’t get to that conclusion because of his knowledge of Phil, just talking to him on the phone was proof enough that Phil didn't like to make calls. It seemed to be the right thing to do, though, the proper way to communicate about business matters.</p><p>But now, it's more personal, apparently.</p><p>Dan opens the message.</p><p>'Send thoughts and prayers. I may need a new eardrum :('</p><p>Well, that's not what he expected. Phil set out to surprise him this time - not only did he switch the communication channel but he also wrote something incomprehensible.</p><p>The second message follows swiftly. 'She screamed. And she wouldn't stop. Seriously, my ears are still ringing.'</p><p>Oh, so it's actually about Lottie... Dan grins as he types a reply, starting with a laughing emoji. 'Oh, poor Phil. Still not used to screaming teens after all those years?'</p><p>Phil replies with an eye roll emoji. 'Yes, I am. But I didn't expect that. I thought she'd be a brat again - especially because I told her the reason for us wanting to meet her again is that we still don't know shit about baking and she needs to teach us a bit more.'</p><p>"Dan?"</p><p>Suddenly, Dan notices the absence of the clinking sound. As he lifts his head, he sees why - Bryony placed her spoon on the saucer, she's looking at him.</p><p>"Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you." Dan hurries to apologise. It's friend-time right now - they're not thinking about work, not talking about work, not working, they are just hanging out as friends. And normally, it also means focusing on each other. They don't have a strict no-phone rule but an unspoken rule about avoiding extensive chats during their friend-time.</p><p>Bryony shrugs it off, though. "It's okay. As long as you tell me who made you grin."</p><p>Oh, did he? Wow, he’s made a fool of himself. At least he doesn't have to worry about annoying Bryony with getting distracted by the chat with Phil - she could still laugh at him, after all.</p><p>No. No, it's not that bad. Damn, he really needs to stop panicking. So instead, Dan focuses on giving her an explanation. "You remember the last Make-a-Wish thing? We couldn't stop worrying about the girl. So we're meeting up with her again."</p><p>Bryony smiles at him, she pats his hand. "Oh, that's really sweet. Wasn't she the one who got misgendered by the shitty photographer?"</p><p>Finally, Dan relaxes a bit. That's why Bryony is his friend, that's why he enjoys spending time with her- she gets him. "Yeah, you're right. That's one of the reasons we felt she needed another happy day - she mentioned that happening to her all the time and she seemed to be so happy she could just be herself around us. Also, she needs some distractions from the treatments."</p><p>Thus, he lowers his head to answer Phil's latest text. He doesn't feel bad about it anymore - after all, Bryony now knows what he's up to. 'Well, she's still just a fangirl and we are her favourite singers. Even Lottie can't pretend to stay cool under these circumstances.'</p><p>He grins. Poor Phil - Lottie's reaction made the phone call even worse, probably. Still, he managed to do it, still, he -</p><p>Ah, wait. Dan types another message. 'So we're meeting her again, I suppose?'</p><p>Phil answers immediately. 'Yes! Are you free on Thursday? We can pick another date but that's the first possible one and it fits for me, so if you’re free too, we could just settle on Thursday.'</p><p>Thursday... Luckily, he's got his walking calendar with him. Dan lifts his head. "Bryony, do we have any plans for Thursday?"</p><p>Bryony doesn't answer at once. First, she takes a deep sip from her cup. There's a light cream residue on the top of her lip as she puts it down again. "Studio meeting in the morning, until around eleven o'clock. After that, you're free."</p><p>Dan nods at her before he passes on the information to Phil. 'Thursday is okay. What time and where?'</p><p>Since Phil doesn't reply immediately, Dan decides to take a sip of his coffee too. That's when he notices Bryony's piercing look. He squirms. Oh no, he knows that look. She's up to something.</p><p>Yes, she is. As soon as Dan lowers his cup, she starts pondering. "So... You said 'we'. And the baking thing... You weren't alone with the girl, were you?"</p><p>Dan's heart drops. So he was predictable after all. "Yeah. Phil was there. And he was the one who had the idea of meeting with Lottie again."</p><p>Well, Phil thought about meeting Lottie again himself, he hadn't included Dan.</p><p>Wait. Did he? After all, contacting Emily wasn't a big deal. Sure, Dan could almost consider her a friend, but she wasn't exactly Phil's mortal enemy - they seemed to get along quite well and 'getting along quite well' was the reason why Phil asked him to get Lottie's number from Emily.</p><p>Phil didn't actually need him. If Phil had wanted to, he could have pursued his plan on his own. Instead, he decided to let Dan in. Not explicitly, but he gave him the possibility to join in.</p><p>Oh, Dan just doesn't know what to make of it.</p><p>Bryony, in the meantime... She furrows her forehead. "So you're meeting Phil again."</p><p>"Yes. It's okay, we won't start a fight, I promise." Dan tries to sound optimistic, he tries to sound like getting into a fight with Phil is the only thing he worries about.</p><p>He fails. He doesn't even manage to convince himself.</p><p>Damn, he's actually going to spend time with Phil again.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>"So, that's it. My kingdom." Lottie turns around to them slowly, presenting the room in front of them with a wide gesture. Her smile is broad, so broad and finally, Dan fully understands Phil's surprise at his phone call with Lottie a few days ago. Sure, there was a fifty-fifty chance that Lottie would be excited at the prospect of having another baking session with them, the other fifty percent consisting of her making fun of them because after all, she's a cool teen. Still, he wouldn't have expected her to be that excited, to be that happy. Her eyes shine, she couldn't let go of their hugs when they greeted her, on their way to the hospice's kitchen, she did a little jump every few steps...</p><p>But hey, he won't complain. After all, that's why they're here - to make Lottie happy. It's just a bit surprising that it only took their invitation and their arrival to accomplish their goal.</p><p>"Your kingdom." Phil grins too as he steps into the kitchen, letting his gaze wander around. Dan follows him - he groans when he spots fondant on the kitchen counter. "Ugh, Lottie. Can't we just drop the fondant? It's disgusting anyway."</p><p>Lottie rolls her eyes at him - finally, the annoyed teen is back. "Shut up, Dan. Phil said you wanted to practice a bit more. So - get your shit together."</p><p>And just like that, it feels like they're back in the stock photo kitchen again. Just Dan, Phil and Lottie, the dysfunctional baking crew.</p><p>Dan nudges at Phil. "Thanks, man." He murmurs, but Phil shows no sign of remorse. He just nudges him back before he picks up a bag with bright pink sour drops.</p><p>So instead of bickering a bit with Phil, Dan turns to Lottie again. "Can we at least make them edible this time? I mean - after we scraped the disgusting fondant off."</p><p>Lottie looks at him with an apologetic expression. "Nah, sorry, Dan. I picked the cake mix flavour 'shit' today."</p><p>Dan pretends to look shocked. "Phil, did you hear that? Did you -" He turns to face Phil, just to notice he had ripped open the bag with the pink sweets, stuffing some of them in his mouth. "Seriously?"</p><p>Lottie giggles as he groans. "God, if I could work with professionals just for one day."</p><p>"Don't act like you're better than us, Danny-boy. You're the worst, actually. Phil, stop eating the sweets."  If she had stopped giggling, Lottie would have actually sounded like she was the most mature of them. But, no, sorry, she failed the test, she's a small girl after all. Okay, a pretty tall girl, but - a young girl, that's it.</p><p>Dan decides not to point it out for the sake of getting shit done. Sure, they're here to have fun and this time, they don't even have to present their results to a photographer and the Make-a-Wish crew, but still, they're here to do some baking. So he just picks up a roll of fondant - the bright pink one.</p><p>"Okay. Let’s create the most obnoxious cupcake in the world."</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>Dan stares at Phil. Phil stares back at Dan.</p><p>Damn, there was something they forgot to consider - something they have already experienced before and now that it's happening again, Dan can remember it vividly.</p><p>Awkward goodbyes. Standing in front of each other, not sure how to behave around each other now that they're on their own again, without Lottie who made them feel strangely comfortable around each other.</p><p>Dan clears his throat. "So..."</p><p>Phil interrupts him - Dan doesn't even plan to scold him because secretly, he's quite happy about it. He hadn't thought of anything to say anyways. "Where are you headed?"</p><p>"The tube station. Over there, if I remember correctly." Dan points in the direction where he came from.</p><p>"Oh, me too. We can go together." Phil's smile - way more relaxed now, not that awkward anymore - distracts Dan just for a few seconds. Then he realises Phil just asked him to go for a walk.</p><p>Well, it's less awkward than saying goodbye now. Especially if you take into consideration that they are heading in the same direction anyway. So Dan agrees and they start walking towards the tube station.</p><p>That doesn't mean the awkwardness is completely gone, though.</p><p>As they turn the first corner, Dan decides to break the silence. "So... We're meeting Lottie again."</p><p>"Yeah." Phil grins at him, visibly proud. Not a single sign of regret and Dan is really glad about it. Sure, this isn't how their Make-a-Wish day was supposed to turn out and technically, it's unfair towards other children taking part, other children who get to meet them for only a day, but...</p><p>Lottie is different. She's so alone but on the other hand, she's so lively, so happy and they both can't stand the thought of her being unhappy during the last few months she's got left to live. So if she needs some friends, there's no way they could just leave her hanging.</p><p>Again, Phil was the one to instigate it. When Lottie noticed their baking session had to come to an end, her eyes had turned so sad and her smile seemed forced. Dan had asked her about the mood swing, she'd admitted it was even harder letting them go this time. After all, she invited them to her personal kingdom and now she had to think about them every time she spent some time in the kitchen... On her own. That's when Dan already knew they'd return. But it was Phil who said it aloud - it was Phil who asked her why she'd worry about that. They'd return soon so no need for her to get sad. Of course, they couldn't be with her every time, but she didn't have to be on her own all the time.</p><p>Even if he had considered dismissing Phil's plan - Lottie's firm hug told him it was the right thing to do.</p><p>"She's a strange girl," Phil starts musing out of the blue. And even though Dan doesn't know where this thought came from, he can agree.</p><p>Only internally, though. Externally, he needs to protect his poor little Lottie. "Hey, she's rad."</p><p>"Yeah, sure." Oh, Phil doesn't take it as a joke. He looks at him indignantly, shaking his head, but then he smiles again. "That's the issue. She's so fun and I think I would've wanted to be her friend if I was her age. Maybe she'd be too cool for me, though. But still - she doesn't seem to have any friends."</p><p>'Doesn't seem to have any friends'... Yes, that's one of the problems with Lottie. There are a few topics she doesn't want to talk about - Dan and Phil just got to know a few hard facts, but that's it. They don't know much about her illness, she never talks about being trans again and she's only mentioned that she's on her own most of the time, not explaining why her old friends left her or why she wasn't able to find new ones.</p><p>"Yes. I mean, us liking her isn't exactly a sign that she'd be popular under other circumstances, but - still, it's strange she's all on her own, for whatever reason," Dan agrees.</p><p>Well, there are a few clues. After all, she doesn't live at home anymore and the hospice isn't that close to her old home and her old friends. Also, Lottie told them about people reacting to her being trans - about other kids making fun of her. Of course, she wouldn't be able to find friends if she's surrounded by asshole kids. And on top of that - this brave girl has to go through treatments. It keeps her so busy, it probably makes finding friends even more difficult. So just when she really needed a friend who's got her back... She's on her own.</p><p>Dan sighs, Phil giggles and nudges him. "We really got ourselves into something there, huh?"</p><p>It actually lifts Dan's spirit. "Yeah. It's always upsetting, meeting a kid through the Make-a-Wish foundation, but Lottie... She’s really something else ."</p><p>Phil hums in agreement. And thus, their conversation is over.</p><p>Staying quiet isn't as awkward as expected, though. They just walk next to each other, Dan nudging Phil towards the right direction whenever they need to cross a street or take a corner - damn, his sense of direction is really bad. But there are no more words needed.</p><p>When they find out they need to take different tubes, and thus, need to part ways at the station, it actually feels natural instead of awkward to say goodbye to Phil.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ayyy look who's back! apparently, i really needed a break - needed to take a step back from this story. anyway, i'm back!</p><p>i was planning on returning anyway but then something happened that made me pick up the work again immediately - lottie got nominated for a phanfic award AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ♥ thanks so much to everyone who nominated my fic ♥ if you want to vote for lottie - <a href="https://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/638591775241633792/voting-for-the-phanfic-awards-2020-is-live">here's</a> the link ♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lottie got paler. Even paler than the last time they’d met her, and again, it's so strange seeing her leaning against the wall because the bright white of the paint makes it even more obvious that Lottie's face turned into a shade of greyish.</p><p>Yet, she's smiling as Dan opens the door and enters the room, followed immediately by Phil. A broad smile - but it disappears immediately, turning into a smirk. Ah yes, he almost forgot, she's a teenager, she's too cool to show her feelings.</p><p>"Hi there, little one. What do you want to do today?" Dan walks over to her bed, Phil closes the door behind them. Do they try to influence her decision? A tiny little bit, maybe.</p><p>But it doesn't seem like they actually need to. She rolls her eyes, then nods in Dan's direction. "I see you brought your guitar again. So... I want to make music."</p><p>Dan almost sighs with relief. Sure, Lottie seems to be quite keen on making music most days, not just today, but still, it's quite relieving every time she picks the guitar instead of cupcakes.</p><p>It's an idea him and Phil got a while ago. Dan was worried about Lottie, so worried - she was getting weaker day by day, it was clearly visible by now; they noticed it when their meetings with Lottie started to change slowly but surely. She wasn't able to stay at the kitchen counter during the whole process anymore, she often took breaks, sitting down, catching her breath, making up excuses why she wouldn't get up anymore...</p><p>Two things were quite obvious: First - she wasn't able to keep up their regular baking sessions anymore. Second - she wasn't willing to accept it. Not at all. And that's why Dan and Phil actually had an emergency meeting one day. It was a rather comfortable emergency meeting, more comfortable than the name would imply - they met in a coffee shop, got some cake and talked.</p><p>(It felt a bit strange to meet up with his ex-whatever. But - it was for Lottie's sake, every single time they met, it was for Lottie's sake. Even when they hung out together without Lottie.)</p><p>Phil shared his worries. In fact, he pointed out some details Dan hasn’t even noticed. Her waning appetite - her shortness of breath - small facts that concluded the picture of Lottie getting weaker. And as Lottie wasn't willing to take a step back, they had to do something. Phil was the one who proposed they make some music in whatever way, so one day, Dan casually brought his guitar to one of their baking sessions. He didn't try to cancel the baking, he just had his guitar with him - and luckily, Lottie took the bait. She asked him to play some songs so they went to her room and got comfortable; Dan felt so relieved when she sat down in her bed instead of standing.</p><p>Just like today. Lottie doesn't try to get up, she just shoves a pillow behind her back. Dan puts down his guitar bag while Phil pulls up two chairs next to Lottie's bed. But instead of sitting down, Phil heads over to the door again. "You two - just start without me. I'll grab a cup of coffee. We had a pretty long recording session yesterday night and I'm still tired. Can I get you something too?"</p><p>Lottie declines, pointing over to the bedside table where she's got her water bottle and Dan shakes his head too so Phil leaves the room and Dan gets out his guitar.</p><p>Making music with Lottie isn't just a weak substitute for baking. To be honest, Dan likes these meetings even more than their baking sessions. No, it's not because he simply likes singing more than baking - it's really fun to sing with Lottie. She only kept quiet during the first song he played for her, then she started humming and Dan encouraged her to sing along. This turned into actually singing together and by now, Dan doesn't even stick to his own songs anymore - most of the time, he just plays some random chords and Lottie, Phil and him make up some lyrics on the go.</p><p>It's just what they do now. Dan closes his eyes as he plays the first chords and it doesn't take long until Lottie chimes in, her voice surprisingly strong, a bit raspy, a tiny giggle, barely suppressed... He's used to her voice by now but the giggle is new. As he opens his eyes again, he can tell she's grinning too. Yet another sign the lyrics she's making up right now aren't as deep as they may sound in the first moment.</p><p>"He's gone, left me behind. I wonder when I will see him again..."</p><p>Dan grins. Apparently, she's singing about Phil who left them behind to get some coffee...</p><p>He keeps playing, Lottie keeps singing. And - ah, he really, really enjoys these moments. Just looking at her, seeing her lost in her own little world where everything that matters is music - the sounds coming from Dan's guitar, the lyrics she's making up...</p><p>Nothing else matters. She's able to forget her problems when they make music together.</p><p>Lottie is so caught up in their little song that she doesn't notice someone opening the door. Dan does, though - he turns his head to look at the new visitor. Ah, he isn't that new - it's Phil.</p><p>Phil doesn’t enter, instead he opens the door far enough so he can see both of them, but he lingers there. He leans against the doorframe, taking a sip from his cup. He's smiling as he watches them.</p><p>As he watches Dan.</p><p>Dan is pretty sure that Phil's attention laid on Lottie for the first moments. But then, his gaze drifted to the side - drifted over to Dan.</p><p>It feels kind of strange, Phil watching him. Almost as if Phil caught him red-handed. But at the same time...</p><p>It's nice, kind of. Phil's dreamy gaze, Phil's attention on him...</p><p>Yeah. He really enjoys these meetings.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>"So that's your apartment."</p><p>Phil takes a few steps forward, entering the living area. Looks like Dan's period of grace is over... He only managed to keep Phil busy for a few seconds while he was taking off his shoes and his jackets but now that he's done, he's ready to inspect Dan's apartment.</p><p>Dan wraps his arms around himself as he follows Phil. Somehow, he feels naked, somehow, this is a really strange situation. Somehow... Well, the explanation is an easy one - after all, they had a huge argument a few years ago, parted ways and only reunited to take up their arguments again. Having this guy in his apartment, in this really intimate, personal place... Sure, that's strange.</p><p>But he also feels kind of embarrassed. "Yeah. My apartment."</p><p>Phil spins on his heels, trying to take everything in. Then he turns to Dan, smiling. "It's cool."</p><p>Dan shrugs. Yeah, it probably is, in some ways. But at the same time... "It's a bit empty."</p><p>Normally, it doesn't bother him that much. Just like Phil said - it's a cool place. A studio apartment, open spaces, nice furniture... But when he looks at it through the eyes of a stranger, he doesn't spot any signs of his own personality. The things that make this place his place are stored away, hidden - not only in some cupboards, but mainly on his computer, on some notes and so on.</p><p>Phil turns away from him to take another look at the living room, then he hums. "Hm. Maybe a bit, yeah. But in a cool way. But - if it bothers you, why don't you fill up the empty spaces? You only have one piano in here as far as I can tell. Why don't you line up some keyboards along the wall? Why don't you put guitars everywhere? Or -" He takes a step towards Dan, just so he can nudge him. "Doesn't your interior designer allow it? Do they show up once a week to make sure you're not ruining their artwork?"</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. "Shut up. I haven't been spending a lot of time in here recently - I've been working on the new album. Anyway - let's head over to the kitchen. I should probably warn you in advance - it's also rather empty. But more in a single household way."</p><p>Luckily, Phil accepts the distraction. He grins. "Oh, that would be a lovely sight, though. Remember - I'm living in a flatshare with my brother and his girlfriend. Seeing a neat and clean kitchen is quite a nice change for once."</p><p>Oh, if said brother and girlfriend could hear him talk like that... Dan smirks. He's pretty sure they'd tell him that their kitchen is pretty tidy normally - they'd tell him it's only a mess after Phil left it. Maybe they should have had their little meeting in Phil's place instead - he'd be in the mood for some bickering. But at the same time, Phil's remark proves it was the better decision to come here. They need some space after all. (And maybe it's better that way - without spectators, without freshly baked food critics.)</p><p>So Dan leads Phil over to the kitchen. Phil puts his bag on the empty kitchen counter, he starts taking out the contents. Fondant, fondant, fondant - oh, he'd never had thought he'd see this stuff in his own kitchen, let alone make sure it'd make its way here. But hey, that's why they're here after all.</p><p>Making music with Lottie wasn't the only thing they came up with to make their meetings more bearable. After all, she loves baking and it would feel cruel to take it away from her completely - to force her gently to let go of this hobby. So they needed to find a way to make baking easier for her. Well, Lottie already did - by taking extended breaks at the table, just watching them. It's quite a good solution.</p><p>In theory. In reality, she needs to get up all the time because she just can't stand watching them. They're clumsy, they're making a mess, they have no idea what they're doing, that's what she tells them when she feels the need to scold them yet again and to be honest, she isn't exactly wrong.</p><p>So that's what they need to work on. They need to make sure that baking is mainly about bantering and pretty cupcakes again, just like it used to when Lottie was able to support them more. In other words: They need to learn how to bake.</p><p>Dan sighs as he opens a drawer to get out the flour. "Okay. Here we go."</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>What a sight. Famous rockstar Philip Lester lying on his couch, feet dangling from the edge, his arms wrapped tightly around the blanket because Dan dared to try to take it away... Dan snorts.</p><p>Mocking Phil for falling asleep on the couch makes him feel a bit better. Not that he feels bad, it's just...</p><p>Yet another strange moment. Because a few weeks ago, Phil wouldn't even have been here, a few weeks ago, he would’ve rather drowned a box of baby kittens than to let Phil sleep on his couch - and to be fair, Phil would have had the same reaction tofalling asleep in Dan's apartment. But now he's here and it's kind of strange but at the same time, it's almost natural, it's okay, somehow. It was okay that his sides hurt from laughing while they were baking, it was okay that Phil told him he wasn't able to stand or walk anymore so he'd need to take a seat on his couch, it was okay to zap through the programs together until Phil suddenly started snoring. And it's kind of okay that Phil is lying on his couch right now and at the same time, it's so strange.</p><p>Well, that's all just thoughts and stuff. There are more urgent problems - actual problems. Namely: What should he do now?</p><p>Wake him up, probably. Shake Phil's shoulder until he wakes up, tell him to go home, but to take a taxi, dear god, because he'd fall asleep on the tube and who knows where he would end up? In the worst case, he would get kidnapped while asleep and wake up in the basement of his biggest fan. (Well, that's what happens if Dan isn't your biggest fan anymore.) It's the most logical solution, but Dan feels a bit bad about it. Phil told him he wasn't able to sleep well in the last few days, now he's sleeping so it would be rude to interrupt.</p><p>So... He needs to stay. If Dan can’tt bring himself to make Phil leave, he needs to stay.</p><p>Dan sighs as he walks up to Phil. There's no chance to take the blanket away from him but luckily he's got more than one - he covers Phil with another one.</p><p>Let him sleep. Easy. But - what should he do next with his guest?</p><p>There's no way Dan is trying to find a solution for that right now. He's tired too, he isn't fit enough to do some proper planning anymore. Phil is asleep, Phil is comfortable... That's absolutely sufficient.</p><p>He checks in with Phil one more time after he went to the bathroom to wash his teeth, on his way to bed. Phil is still asleep. Everything is okay. Everything is quiet.</p><p>At least until Dan wakes up in the middle of the night. It takes him a while to fully return to consciousness and to adjust his eyes to the darkness but when he does, he notices several things at once. The sound of his door was what woke him up - and...</p><p>There's someone at the door, peeking in. Phil. Phil is looking into his bedroom. Phil, who's whispering into the darkness now. "Shhh. Are you still awake?"</p><p>Dan stretches, he groans a bit. His voice sounds a bit husky. "No. Yeah. I woke up."</p><p>"Oh. Damn. Sorry." Contradicting his words, Phil moves through the door completely. "You can go back to sleep right away, okay? Just wanted to let you know I'll leave now."</p><p>He may be awake by now but his brain isn't fully. So the first thing Dan feels is some kind of dull sensation - and the immediate urge to keep Phil here. To be polite, probably. "Hey, you don't need to. You can stay the night, that's okay. As long as you don't wake me up again..."</p><p>It's still too dark to properly see Phil's expression but Dan can tell from the tone of his voice that he's grinning at his joke. Still, his answer stays the same. "Your couch isn't that comfy, sorry."</p><p>"You could -" Dan's mind goes blank. No, not completely blank, there's one thought. If Phil doesn't like the couch and Dan wants him to stay... There's a more comfortable place to sleep in his apartment. Dan would know, after all that's where he is right now.</p><p>No. No, he can't. He can't invite Phil to his bed. Even though his effort to finish the proposal sounds a bit weak. "- sleep on the floor instead, you ungrateful guest."</p><p>Phil chuckles. "Thanks for the invitation, but I must decline. Anyway - I don't want to keep you awake for longer. Sleep well."</p><p>And just like that, he's gone. Dan stares at the closed door for a while before he closes his eyes. Just like that, the strange intruder is gone.</p><p>Then, Dan turns around and presses his face into the pillow to stop the upcoming tears.</p><p>Shit. What's up with him, why is he crying all of a sudden?</p><p>Well, there are several answers to that question.</p><p>He's confused. He's so fucking confused.</p><p>He longed so much for Phil to lay next to him.</p><p>He messed up.</p><p>He's a fucking fool. There's no need to be so upset - after all, Phil already broke his heart once.</p><p>Shit.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yet another chapter? phew what's going on here :D i actually set a goal today - i want to finish this fic this month. well, we'll see :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Well, that's it. Here we are." Dan stops right next to the glass doors, turning around to see Phil peeking through them.</p><p>"Pretty modern, huh? Not quite the same as our old factory building." He muses and Dan grins. Yeah, just comparing the backyard of the building Lights' studio is located in to the shiny tower holding his studio... "Do you know what else is located in the building?"</p><p>Dan shrugs. "Well, I look at the signs each time when I'm in the elevator. But most of them don't even have a sign - and even if they do, I don't know what they're up to."</p><p>Again - it can't compare to Phil's location. But hey, as long as they don't get any complaints about being too loud, Dan is totally okay with his studio being located in a skyscraper, surrounded by so many offices and who-knows-what. Another perk of just renting the studio is that the owner made sure it's sound-proof, so they're on the safe side when it comes to that.</p><p>"You know what you should do? Get to know some of them." For a second, Dan expects Phil to turn up his nose at this anonymity. But - no, he doesn't. He just grins. "By pressing all the doorbell buttons at once."</p><p>Dan grins too. "Shut up. You don't know how tempting it actually is."</p><p>"Hm." Phil hums as he takes a look at the panel with the doorbell buttons. But before he can take action, the glass doors slide open.</p><p>It's Bryony. Is he late already? No, apparently not - apparently that's not the reason she's out here. She's busy fumbling a cigarette from the box and as she lifts her head, she looks surprised. "Oh. Hi there. Did I interrupt you?"</p><p>Well, maybe she did keep them from doing some nonsense... But Dan doesn't plan to let her know about it. So instead he just shrugs. "Nah, we were about to say goodbye."</p><p>She finally gets the cigarette out of the box, then she returns the box to her purse. Thus, she can finally step forward and extend her hand to Phil. "Hi. I'm Bryony, Dan's assistant and friend. Nice to meet you."</p><p>Phil takes her hand and shakes it - his innocent smile doesn't give away at all that they were planning to annoy the neighbors. "Hi. I'm Phil -"</p><p>"I know." Bryony interrupts him. "Hey, I'm a business insider. Or rather - you're on the other side of the Dan posters I have on my bedroom walls."</p><p>Phil snorts and Bryony looks very proud of herself. Hey, is that supposed to mean it's so impossible that Bryony actually likes him? Okay, he's got to admit that the possibility of Bryony hanging up posters of him is rather small and not a way to measure her affection, but - it seems like these two are teaming up against him and he's not up for that.</p><p>Luckily, Bryony switches the topic now. "Oh, so you visited the girl again, didn't you?"</p><p>Bryony didn't know about his exact plans for today, for the time before their recording session. But she knows that he only meets up with Phil because of Lottie. So it's a pretty obvious conclusion.</p><p>Dan nods. "Yeah. It was a music day today, luckily."</p><p>"Cool. Did you have a good time? Did she have a good time?" Bryony inquires and you can tell she's actually invested in the story. Dan is quite grateful that it's been like that since he let her know he'd meet with the girl from his last Make-A-Wish appointment again - of course she let him know it isn't exactly fair towards the other kids but she was able to understand his reasoning and since then, she likes to keep up a bit with Lottie's way.</p><p>Apparently, Phil can see it too. He's the one to answer her question. "Yes - it was so much fun. Do you want to see a video? I recorded some of our songs today."</p><p>Bryony gladly accepts and thus, Phil gets out his phone, opening a video. Dan watches them as they both smile at the display and -</p><p>Again, it's strange. It's something he wouldn't have expected to happen. He wouldn't have expected these two to meet, let alone get along so well... But it's quite nice to see. To take his best friend one step further into the Lottie world.</p><p>They watch several songs before Bryony lifts her head, a smile still on her face. "Why don't you record a song with her one day? Like - actually record it in a studio. And publish it. Her voice is cool and so is she."</p><p>Yeah, she isn't exactly wrong. But still, Dan shakes his head. "Not a good idea, I suppose. She gets out of breath after a while - we only managed to do so many songs today because she was in her bed. Also - this thing with making music together... It's only fun because it's, well, only fun. If we had the pressure of creating something that's going to be released one day, it would probably take away a lot of the fun."</p><p>Dan looks over to Phil. They haven't talked about this topic yet so he just put his own thoughts into words - what if Phil actually likes the idea? But luckily, Phil nods. They're on the same side.</p><p>Bryony isn't, though. She doesn't let go. "But - you could tell her story that way. Don't you want her story to be heard?"</p><p>Phew. She really went all out on that one. That's a pretty good point - after all, it's pretty frustrating that Lottie suffers on her own. If more people knew about the hardships she's going through, maybe some people would try to work on making them smaller... Maybe kids like Lottie could get more chances at transitioning, in whatever way, in the future if they raised some attention for her story.</p><p>And yet, Dan shakes his head again. "We can't do it. It's too personal."</p><p>Bryony doesn't accept it, though. She crosses her arms. "Well, that's what you say about your sexuality too. And look at you. Still in the closet."</p><p>Oh. Wait. She didn't, did she? She didn't just out him in front of Phil, just like that?</p><p>Yes. She did. And Dan feels the rage building up inside of him. Yet, he manages to stay calm as he answers her question. "We're not publishing a song with Lottie. End of discussion."</p><p>Thus, he turns around and just storms away. He really needs to get away, far away before his anger breaks out because damn, she can't just speak about that, she can't, she - and yet she did and god, he can't stand being around her anymore, he needs to get away, he -</p><p>Only as he turns around a corner, he notices Phil right behind him. He's panting and as he realises Dan spotted him, he reaches out for him. "Dan - wait!"</p><p>Well, Phil wasn't the one to talk shit - and he ran after him. So Dan decides to obey. He stops to let Phil catch up, then they walk next to each other. No more running but he still feels the need to get more distance between him and Bryony.</p><p>And to get some privacy, apparently. Because as soon as he spots an empty backyard, Dan grabs Phil’s wrist to pull him inside. He needs a break, he doesn't want to keep running away and this place seems to be a good pick - especially because 'I don't want to keep running away' isn't only about physical distance. "God, I'm so angry at her. I actually hate her right now."</p><p>Phil nods slightly as he leans against the wall, next to Dan. Does he agree or is he telling him to go on? In either case, it's an invitation to vent a bit more and that's exactly what Dan is up for. "I don't get it. She's one of my fucking friends, I considered us to be quite close friends - and I considered her to be reasonable. But - god, she was terrible. I mean - recording a song with Lottie?"</p><p>"Yeah, that's a bad idea. We can't do that - and she can't be the one to make decisions in that case. It's not about our success as musicians, it's not about us - it's only about Lottie." Phil agrees. He's a bit calmer than Dan, a bit more rational probably, but still - he isn't exactly relaxed either and that's rather surprising. If Phil, who's a more laid-back person than him, managed to get angry, Bryony's behavior was really bad. (And Phil is only worrying about the Lottie part. He wasn’t exposed as Dan did.)</p><p>Talking about Lottie is safer grounds than the part of the conversation that made him lose his temper, though. Luckily, he wasn't quite happy with Bryony's approach to that topic either. "Yeah. Just imagine what would happen. We would generate a lot of attention. And - sure, it could be a good thing for people like her. But it's not a good thing for her, it's not what she needs. She doesn't need to waste her life with media attention. That's not her job or something."</p><p>"Yes. And it's not just interviews and stuff. People will try to 'help'. They will tell her and her parents that they're committing a crime, a sin, that it's wrong, that she's a handsome, manly man. It would be hell. And there's no reason why we should expose her to that."</p><p>Dan's heart misses a beat. Phil's description is kind of scary - he didn't even think that far, but of course he's right, of course it wouldn't just be about a busy job as an advocate for trans rights or stuff like that. Lottie would face so much hate... They would never allow that, that's for sure.</p><p>Dan closes his eyes for a moment, he sighs. They stay silent for a while, watching some pigeons chasing for breadcrumbs.</p><p>Then, Phil decides to switch the topic. "So... You're still into men."</p><p>Shit. That's the part that fueled his fury.</p><p>He kind of gets Bryony, really. For her, it might not have looked like a big deal. After all, she knows about Phil, she knows they had some kind of relationship for a while. So of course, it was okay for her to talk about his homosexuality in front of Phil. But damn, that's not how things work. He wasn't ready to reveal something personal to Phil - damn, he's still busy trying to accept the fact that they kind of get along by now but he wouldn’t share personal details with him.</p><p>And on top of that, he wasn't ready to share with Phil he talked to friends about him. To friends he only met after they broke up. The fact that Bryony had no problem talking about Dan's sexuality in front of Phil clearly gives away she knows about their relationship.</p><p>He takes a deep breath. Maybe he's making too much of a deal of it... No, he doesn't, it's not okay at all what Bryony did. But still - it's too late. He needs to work with it now. So he shrugs. "Yeah. And she wasn't supposed to tell anyone. I don't know what's going on with her."</p><p>Phil's hand on his shoulder. All of a sudden and it startles him but at the same time, it comforts him. "Okay. I get why you're so angry now."</p><p>"Hmm." Dan hums. There, he said it, the issue is solved, can they go on, please?</p><p>They don't. At least Phil doesn't add anything else. But hey - if Dan had to reveal this fact... Why shouldn't Phil too? "What about you?"</p><p>Phil smiles. It's close to a smirk but it's still quite warm, quite caring somehow. "Still gay."</p><p>Okay, that's -</p><p>Not exactly a surprise. After all, Phil never hid it - at least from him, after all he did hide it in public. But he never tried to convince Dan of the opposite.</p><p>Still, it's a sign of vulnerability. And it's quite unexpected but... well, he feels vulnerable and bare. They both are, apparently. Dan is so calm now that he can appreciate Phil's openness, Phil is so comfortable that he can be open around Dan.</p><p>They look at each other, smiling. Then, Phil takes away his hand from Dan’s shoulder. "You know what? Let's leave. I know a cool restaurant, we might be able to get a table at this time."</p><p>Dan's heart does a little jump but it gets really heavy right afterwards. "But I need to go to the studio. There's some stuff I need to talk about with Bryony and we wanted to work on the records."</p><p>"Oh, right. That's why we came here after all." Phil smiles at him nonchalantly and Dan almost wishes he wouldn't just accept it, he wishes he wouldn't be so relaxed about Dan's refusal. If he nagged a bit more, he could tell himself Phil convinced him to drop everything -</p><p>But wait. Why does he need Phil for that? After all, the situation is pretty clear. The main part of his schedule today is meeting up with Bryony and he's really, really not in the mood for that. So why does he insist on returning?</p><p>Dan shakes his head. "Wait. You know what? I don't want to see her again today anyway. Let's go."</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>Dan can't tell what exactly is the reason for him waking up. The doorbell ringing or his head aching? No way to tell it apart. The only thing he knows for sure is that he's awake now and he'd rather not be.</p><p>Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. He'd just turn around and try to fall asleep again. But his visitor doesn't show any mercy. They keep ringing and ringing and his head hurts even more until he gives up with a groan. No way to fall asleep under these conditions, he needs to get rid of the visitor first.</p><p>Thus, he stumbles out of his bed and through the apartment towards the intercom where he picks up the handset. "Yes?"</p><p>"Hi Dan. It's me."</p><p>Oh no. He knows that voice, of course he does. After all, he's had quite a few conversations with Bryony. No way to mistake her voice.</p><p>Dan groans again. "What do you want? I know I missed the session yesterday. But I had a pretty good reason, didn't I? Don't worry, I'll return today, you don't have to make sure of that by taking me to the studio in person."</p><p>He's about to slam the handset down. But Bryony manages to squeeze out a few words before he gets the chance to do so. "Wait. That's not what I'm here for. I wanted to say sorry."</p><p>To say sorry. Wow, this comes as a surprise. To be honest, he expected this conversation to turn into an argument - he expected Bryony to scream at him, to counter his annoyed voice. But no, she says she's here to say sorry. That's -</p><p>Apparently, she notices Dan's hesitation. "Really. No blaming or push back. Can I come in? I bought breakfast."</p><p>Dan seriously considers sending her off. Sure, it's nice she wants to apologize but he's still angry at her. But then, his stomach grumbles and Dan gives up. His body is fighting against him, seemingly. So he gives in. He opens the doors for Bryony and disappears into the bathroom to make himself at least a tiny bit more presentable. (Seems like he won't be able to catch a bit more sleep this morning. But hey, the surprise of Bryony apologizing startled him awake anyway.)</p><p>When he exits the bathroom, he can already smell coffee. Just as he'd expected - Bryony found the way all by herself. And she seems to be really keen to offer him breakfast.</p><p>Dan finds her on the balcony where she's busy setting the table. He actually considers sitting down to let her do all the work but - no, he can't be so rude, he simply can't. Even though he's still angry at her, Bryony is still his friend and she seems to be actually remorseful, so... "Can I help you with something?"</p><p>"Sure. You can bring the coffee. I think I got the rest." Bryony smiles at him thankfully. And Dan can't tell if she's only thankful for his help.</p><p>A bit later, they both sit down at the table. But instead of picking up something to eat, Bryony folds her hands in her lap. "Listen, Dan. It's true what I just said and I can say it to your face too. I know I was rude yesterday. I - you know I'm not like that. I know I sounded like I wanted to exploit a deadly sick child, but this isn't what I had in mind, not at all!"</p><p>Oh. So they're talking about yesterday already... Well, Dan isn't ready to stomach this right now. First, he needs to get a few bites. So he just shrugs before he grabs the cereal box. Yes, Bryony actually bought him a box of his favourite cereal - you can't let that go to waste after all.</p><p>Bryony doesn't get the message though - she can't tell Dan isn't up for talking yet. So instead of waiting until he took care of his growling stomach, she continues. "I know I sounded like your typical assistant, only looking for ways to earn more money and to make my client more famous. But you know I'm not like that. I care about Lottie too."</p><p>Dan sighs. Well, if she insists... He pours some milk into his bowl, then he's ready to talk. Ready... Well, as ready as you can get after a night like this. "Yeah. I know. It was just a bit -"</p><p>"Too much. And I'm sorry. Do you believe me?" She actually worries about having hurt his feelings. And damn, even though she wasn't exactly considerate yesterday - she is now. So Dan decides to let go of his grudge, at least a little bit. He reaches out to place his hands on hers, smiling at her.</p><p>"I do. And as long as you accept we won't publish a song with Lottie..."</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>If he doubted her yesterday, it's over now. But after all, that's not the thing that made him flip yesterday. And if she wants to talk about her wrongdoings... Dan clears his throat. "I know you're not like that. And we probably could have talked about it normally, making sure we're on the same page. But..."</p><p>Immediately, she lowers her gaze. "The gay thing."</p><p>"Yep. The gay thing." Dan confirms and Bryony sighs.</p><p>"I know. I mean - I guessed. After you ran away, I racked my brain for so long and - I didn't even notice it at first. It was such a small thing. It's because I talked about it in front of Phil, isn't it?"</p><p>"Yeah. It was -" Dan stops mid-sentence. No, there's no way to express the dread he felt in this moment. Every description he can think of sounds so dramatic but it actually was but still, he can't describe it that way.</p><p>"I thought it was okay because he knows you're into men." She's not trying to defend herself, not trying to sneak her way out of standing up for her mistakes. But still, Dan feels the anger from yesterday. It got a bit weaker now and Bryony's visit helped for sure but it's still there.</p><p>"But if you know it's okay to talk about my sexuality in front of Phil - why would you know? Because you know what happened between us. And I don't want him to think he had such a huge impact on my life that I had to tell my assistant about it. Especially because we only met long after the thing with Phil and me ended." Is he able to get the point across? Damn, Dan actually realises his argument is kind of twisted, but still, it means a lot to him. Knowing Phil, hanging out with Phil every now and then is okay - being connected to Phil in a really loose way, that's it. But if Phil knew there are people who know about their relationship, it wouldn't be so loose anymore.</p><p>Apparently, Bryony understands. Her shoulders drop, he sighs. But as she lifts her head again, her face is full of conviction. "But you're a strong person. You don't rely on what people think of you."</p><p>Dan snorts. It almost sounds like a joke but sadly, he knows Bryony actually means it. Still, there's no way for him to just let it pass. "Yeah. Sure. That's why I don't want my former schoolmates to know anything about me. Bryony, seriously, I can't stand it. I'm not strong."</p><p>"Okay, you're right with the first part." Even though Bryony agrees, she's still got this stubborn look in her eyes. "But when somebody finds out something about you, you own it. You're confident. You don't care what they think."</p><p>Well, if that's how she sees him... She isn't exactly wrong but it's a bit awkward to hear her say it aloud. So instead of answering, Dan leans forward and takes a spoon of cereal.</p><p>It doesn't mean they have finished this topic, though. Bryony stays quiet for a moment too as she picks up her cup of coffee. But she only used this time to think about a certain aspect. "You don't care what they think. But it bothers you a lot what Phil thinks about you."</p><p>Dan groans. "Bryony, are you -"</p><p>She doesn't let him finish his accusation, though. She just continues talking. "You're not over him, are you?"</p><p>Shit. That's a really bad question, especially this morning. Maybe he should have left her waiting outside. He could just have turned around and enjoyed another round of sleep instead of having this conversation... Oh, sometimes he really makes the wrong decisions.</p><p>Bryony waits a moment for him to answer. But then she clearly can tell she won't get one. So instead, she continues talking. "I know. You're going to call me a hopeless romantic for that. But I know you're a hopeless romantic too. Maybe Phil actually is the love of your life. Maybe you were right when you fell in love with him - maybe you were meant for each other. And maybe that's why you weren't able to get into another relationship since Phil left you."</p><p>Wow. That's why Bryony is his friend - but that's also why he sometimes regrets having her as a friend. Her analysis feels so spot on, it actually hurts to hear her put it into words. Yes, she's right and at the same time, she isn't, she can't be and -</p><p>He clears his throat. "That's not reassuring at all. He can't be my partner and if the guy who was meant for me can't be my partner... I'm fucked, I guess."</p><p>Bryony rolls her eyes at him. Yes, he knows he's a bit dramatic - but still, he's right!</p><p>She doesn't see it that way, though. "Dan. He didn't kill your dog or stuff. He ghosted you. And I know it sucks but -"</p><p>Dan gulps. All of a sudden, with just a few words, Bryony opened a suitcase and now they need to unpack it even though just unpacking the purse he got a few hours ago would have been a big ordeal already. In other words - damn, he was already suffering enough because of yesterday evening. Maybe Bryony was right to bring up their past, maybe it needs to be a part of the conversation following what happened last night. But it's just so much...</p><p>Well, there's no turning back now. Not if his heart hurts that much. So for a moment, Dan leaves the previous day aside and turns to the past. "He didn't just ghost me. He decided he didn't want me in his life anymore."</p><p>"It was a difficult time for him." Bryony stays stubborn. "Imagine you lost your voice right now - you wouldn't be able to make sound decisions, I suppose."</p><p>Of course she's right. Of course it's the rational way to approach Phil's behavior a few years ago. But it's not the whole truth yet. "But I wanted to be there for him. I wasn't an obstacle, I wanted to help him."</p><p>Bryony sighs. "Dan. Don't act as if you’ve never made a mistake. Of course it was a stupid decision - I don't claim he was right to break up with you. But it's over. He's older now. Maybe he learnt from his mistakes."</p><p>God, if he could just believe her... She's so damn convincing and he knows whatever he could come up with she'd be able to convince him otherwise. But it's hopeless, it's - "It's over anyway. It was over a few years ago and there's no chance to go back anymore. No - I know what you're going to say. There's no way to create something new either. Maybe we can be loose acquaintances but that's it."</p><p>And it hurts to say it aloud. Damn, it actually hurts and he actually feels sorry.</p><p>For a while he thinks he actually shook Bryony off his tracks. He picks up his spoon again to continue eating his cereals, Bryony grabs one of the bananas she brought and starts peeling it. Every now and then, she looks over to him, but that's okay, that's not out of the ordinary.</p><p>At least it looked that way. But then she leans forward and puts her hands on Dan's. "Dan. Did something happen yesterday?"</p><p>Shit. She really, really does know him way too well. Apparently he wasn't able to hide his distress, apparently it was obvious that the bitterness in his voice didn't only stem from the past.</p><p>Okay. No more cereal. It's time to talk about yesterday evening. Dan puts aside his spoon. "No. Nothing happened. And that's exactly the point."</p><p>Damn, it was supposed to be funny. But putting it into words makes his heart ache. Oh, he didn't even hope for anything, he just wanted to get away from Bryony yesterday and it felt right to spend more time with Phil - that was all he expected. And it actually was okay to spend more time with Phil. But at the same time, it made Dan realise...</p><p>He wanted more.</p><p>Bryony raises one eyebrow. "Okay. But you did leave together, didn't you? Did you try to kiss him?"</p><p>Dan laughs, but it sounds hollow. Well, at least Bryony proved to him it could be worse. If he had tried to kiss Phil and the result was him telling Bryony nothing happened... Wow, that would have been awkward. In a pretty terrible sense. "No, I didn't. We - we talked a bit. And then he said we could go to a restaurant. Well, that's what we did."</p><p>"Doesn't sound bad..." Bryony's voice is so soft and she reaches out to take his hands again. Somehow, just this little touch is actually quite reassuring - damn, he felt so, so lonely yesterday but he isn't, Bryony is at his side and even if she can be really annoying sometimes (exhibit A: last night), it's so good to have her.</p><p>(Even if she can't give him what he's yearning for.)</p><p>"Yeah, it wasn't. It was really nice, actually. We stayed in that place for so long and when they closed, we even considered heading to another place. But we were too tired so we went home instead. No, each to his own, don't look at me that way."</p><p>Bryony pouts and puts up her hands as a sign of her innocence - just as if he hadn't raised her eyebrows in a suggesting way just a few seconds ago. Her bland way of denying is so exaggerated that it actually makes Dan laugh, though. Bryony can't hold back for too long either so for a while they just giggle. And each time they lift their heads to look at each other, they start giggling again.</p><p>It's a relieving break. But then, Dan decides to return to his story. "Okay. So - no, I went home on my own. But before that... We had a really good time. We talked the entire time - my food actually got cold because I was busy talking. I wouldn't have expected I could have an actual conversation with Phil again..."</p><p>It just takes a look at Bryony to tell what she's thinking. 'So if you didn't think a conversation with Phil was possible and yet it was, why do you doubt you could get into a relationship again?'. But she doesn't say it aloud. Instead, she asks another question. "What did you talk about? Anything and everything?"</p><p>Dan smiles. "Yeah, basically. But it started off with talking about sexuality. It felt so good to talk to someone who actually knows what's going on, how it feels. No offense, but -"</p><p>"None taken.", Bryony interrupts him. "I know. I don't know shit about - I don't know, falling in love with your best friend who happens to have the same gender? Being told my kind of love is wrong. Coming out. And so on. It's okay that Phil is doing better in these kinds of conversations."</p><p>"Okay, that's... That's good." Dan actually feels a bit relieved. After all, he actually talked to Bryony about these things and it was quite helpful. But talking to Phil about it was something completely different and it's good to know she gets it.</p><p>Then, Bryony leans forward. "So - did you talk about your relationship too? About anything that happened between you?"</p><p>And there the good mood goes. Damn, he actually felt quite good for a few moments. But Bryony managed to bring up one of the big issues of yesterday evening. "No. And it was standing between us, somehow. I guess we both knew we were avoiding something."</p><p>Dan takes a deep breath. "And I think that's one of the things that told me it's over. But at the same time..."</p><p>He really, really didn't expect things to turn out this way. Originally, he had planned to meet up with Bryony - well, that didn't happen, at least not in the intended way, but plans change after all. Hanging out with Phil and realising he still loves him wasn't part of his plans at all, though.</p><p>Instead of telling Bryony right away, Dan does a little jump. "I... When I went to bed yesterday, I couldn't sleep for a long time. I cried the whole time. So - yeah, sorry if I was a bit grumpy before. I had a bad night."</p><p>Bryony's fingers stroke the back of his hand. "It's okay. It would have been okay even without that part." She smiles softly before continuing. "Okay, so... You knew it was over. But...?"</p><p>"I just - it was so good to talk to him. It felt like we were friends. But at the same time, it felt like more than friendship. I felt like I could completely trust him, I felt like I could talk to him about anything. And I know - it can be the same in a friendship. But there was something else. And I wasn't longing to be Phil's friend. I -" Oh no. There are tears in his eyes, doesn't matter how much he blinks to make them go away. "I want to have more evenings like that. And I - I want to be with Phil. But I can't. Maybe I can steal moments like the ones we had yesterday but I don't even know if we could maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship. It's over and it hurt but it was even worse that it affected me so much."</p><p>"Oh, Dan..." Apparently, Bryony reached her breaking point. She lets go of his hand to get up and walk around the table. When she arrives next to Dan, she puts her arms around him and pulls him close.</p><p>Being able to hide his face against her shoulder helps Dan to let go. The tears are running down his face, getting dried up by the fabric of Bryony's pullover immediately and he still feels so helpless but at least he doesn't feel so fucking alone anymore.</p><p>"Bryony, I don't want to be with him anymore. But -"</p><p>She slowly strokes his back. "But you still do."</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wasn't kidding when I said I was working on finishing the fic 👀 i'm already working on the next chapter! But first: Let's give Lottie a gift. ♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Let’s do some baking. I can come over to your place if you’re okay with it. Do you still have some ingredients?”</p><p>They’re on their way back from another meeting with Lottie. This one was a tough one, though. Dan feels like he’s about to burst into tears since they left the hospice. Well, he’s felt that way even a bit longer, but he wanted to be strong around Lottie. Now that they’re out of sight, it’s even more difficult to hold back the tears.</p><p>It’s stupid, god, it’s really stupid. But sometimes, he manages to push aside the thought that Lottie is dying. Of course you can tell she’s ill, he can’t forget about that. But damn, Lottie is so strong. She’s fighting, she’s always fighting and when they’re with her, the cancer isn’t this big looming danger anymore, it has to take a step back and Lottie glows and smiles and she has fun so it’s easy for Dan to forget the sinister truth. Sometimes, it hits him, though - sometimes he realises it isn’t all fun and games.</p><p>Today… Damn, he doesn’t even know why today is one of the days where he had that realisation. Maybe it was Lottie casually mentioning her appointment tomorrow, the way her voice trembled even though she tried to make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe it was because he heard the two nurses in the hallway talking about Lottie needing new medicine. Maybe it’s because they passed a bunch of children playing in the street and Dan suddenly realized Lottie couldn’t be a part of it anymore. Never again. Okay, right, she’s a cool teenager, she wouldn’t want to be seen playing with small kids, but she couldn’t hang out on a street corner with some friends, talking about their classmates or the latest boy band either.</p><p>Phil sensed his mood, apparently. When they left the building, he told Dan about the ugly little coffee table Corn got for their apartment and showed him a picture, but then he turned quiet - until he asked to do some baking.</p><p>Dan's really glad about it. Both about the silence - he simply isn’t in the mood to make some lighthearted small talk - and the question. He's so damn overwhelmed, he doesn’t want to be alone - he’d like to be with Phil for a bit longer. With Phil who can tell he’s doing badly. With Phil who spent just as much time with Lottie as he did. With Phil who needs to force himself to keep up a smile sometimes because the situation is tearing him apart too.</p><p>So instead of mocking Phil for proposing to do some baking, Dan nods. "Yeah. We bought so much fondant, I could probably wrap the whole street in it. And afterwards, I'd still have enough fondant to make cupcakes every single day for ten years."</p><p>Phil chuckles and even though Dan can tell it's almost hysterical, it's because the mood is so sinister that it just takes a bad joke to make him crack up, he feels kind of relieved. It lifts his spirits a bit.</p><p>His next joke feels way more sincere already. "It's a pity, though. I'd love to see Corn's ugly table."</p><p>"Trust me, you don't." Phil nudges him. Now his smile reaches his eyes too. "It's horrible. Not in a good sense, though. If you come over, I need to cover it first or else you could sue us for compensation."</p><p>Wow, it almost sounds like an invitation... Well, at least it sounds like it's something that could happen any day - Dan coming over to visit Phil. Still a strange thought and god, it's nasty to be stuck in between 'a while ago, the only place we would have agreed to meet would have been 'outside' to beat each other up' and his lovesick hopes. Maybe Phil would actually like to spend more time with him, maybe Phil would actually like to have him at his place, maybe -</p><p>Enough of that. One thing is for sure: He wants to spend time with him now. For a good reason, for both of them. They can't return to their everyday life yet and spending time together is quite a good transition.</p><p>So baking at Dan's place it is. There's some more bickering on the way back to his apartment and whenever they both get silent, Dan feels a bit more relaxed. The thoughts are still there, it's still looming over them that they’ve realised once more that their little protégé has a deadly disease, but it doesn't take up Dan's full attention anymore.</p><p>It isn't over, though. It may not be as heavy anymore, but...</p><p>They work together pretty well by now. Phil heads over to get out the fondant while Dan opens the box with the store-bought muffins - yes, they gave up on baking some each time because after all, it's not about the baking per se, it's about the decoration. So technically, they're wrong when they claim to do some baking at their meetings. But well, they can't claim either they're creating pretty things - it's still quite a mess and there's a reason why getting together to cut some fondant became a habit.</p><p>Dan only notices he started singing under his breath when Phil addresses him about it. "New song, huh? Haven't heard that one before."</p><p>Oh, as if Phil knew all of his songs... But yeah, Dan gets the point. It isn't a song he could have heard on the radio already - he's kind of right, it's a song he made up.</p><p>Only kind of right, though. "Well, technically it's not a song yet. But I've got some phrases stuck in my head and some of them have a melody."</p><p>He starts placing the bland muffins on a wooden board from his cupboard. But Phil isn't ready to return to the true cause of their meeting yet. "Sing it again."</p><p>Dan shrugs. It feels a bit strange - it feels like he's leaking business secrets to the concurrence. But hey, it's not a song at all and in theory, they aren't concurrent right now. So he repeats the phrase that plays over and over in his head. "I don't know what to say."</p><p>Phil doesn't wait for him to stop humming the short bit of melody that follows. "Lottie, huh?"</p><p>"Yeah." Dan sighs. It doesn't come as a surprise that his mind tries to deal with the situation by making up songs - but he feels just as stuck with the song as he does with the situation in general.</p><p>So even though it seems as if Phil is willing to drop the topic - he gets himself a knife and a cutting board and picks a piece of fondant -, Dan decides to open up. "It's just so... Frustrating. I feel so helpless. I see that Lottie is doing bad and I want to help her, but there's nothing I can do. 'Where do you start when you know it has to end?'." He sings the question again - it's yet another song fragment he can't get out of his mind.</p><p>(It's really nice that Phil simply accepts this way of communicating. He doesn't laugh, he isn't in awe, he just nods and Dan can tell Phil got his point. Yes, also thanks to the melody he used.)</p><p>"Yeah. It feels like there should be something we can do, but... There isn't. We can't heal her. We can't lift the weight from her shoulders. And I think about everything she said about the illness and about dying all the time and - it shouldn't be that way. Ugh, do you remember what she said about Lottie and Trevor? That she's scared Lottie will simply disappear without a trace when she dies?" Phil harshly wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and -</p><p>No, there's no way they'll just pick up their efforts to create pretty cupcakes. Sure, it sounded like a good idea when Phil proposed it, it really made sense. But it just doesn't work. They’re not in the mood today even though they’d prefer to be.</p><p>Dan walks around the kitchen counter, he places his hand on Phil's shoulder. Maybe he should hug him - maybe they should hug. But Dan doesn't dare to. So instead, he only moves closer, making it look all casual. "Yeah. It's like - don't we all worry about not leaving anything behind? Some kind of legacy. But in her case, it's so much worse. Because even if she leaves something behind... It's not her. It's back to Trevor and that's not who she is."</p><p>Phil leans against him. Just a small movement but it proves that Dan is right - they need to be close right now.</p><p>His next question makes Dan forget about wondering if they should hug, though. His question and the tone of his voice - careful, doubting. "Should we do something about that?"</p><p>About the Lottie - Trevor issue. About Lottie being trans.</p><p>Dan moves his head from one side to the other. "Can we?"</p><p>Phil sighs as he turns towards Dan. Yep, pretty close now, too close for a conversation but after all, this isn't a normal conversation. "Well, at least we could check if we can do something. Like, if it's even possible to do something in the time Lottie has left - and if we can help somehow. With paperwork or stuff. But..." Another sigh. "I don't know. It already feels like intervening too much, even just checking the possibilities."</p><p>Oof, Phil is right. It sounds promising - of course there's no way they could fight Lottie's cancer. She gets professional help, there's nothing else to do in that regard. The doctors tried their very best and determined they can't help her survive, that's it, that's the bitter reality. But there are other things Lottie is struggling with and just like Phil said - the moment when she disclosed she's scared of losing Lottie when she dies still burns on his soul. She never mentioned it again, she never opened up so much again but the memory alone is strong enough. So if they could help her fight this demon...</p><p>But Phil is right about the second part too. Sure, they're playing a bigger role in Lottie's life now than everyone including themselves anticipated. And yet, they're only some kind of friends. Idols who decided to spend more time with her to distract her from her worries. Is it really up to them to intervene into life decisions?</p><p>It doesn't feel that way. Not at all. And yet...</p><p>Dan clears his throat. "You're right. But consider this: Who else should?"</p><p>They got to know Lottie because they wanted to help out. While everyone else around Lottie was busy with other stuff, they’d take the burden off Lottie's shoulders - and thus, off her family's shoulders too. In that case...</p><p>Phil raises his eyebrows. So Dan explains his idea. "Her parents are so busy. They need to take care of the medical side and finances and I don't know what else. And I guess doing something about Lottie's gender situation would be a huge effort. Research, paperwork and so on. They just don't have time for that right now. Maybe not even the right headspace. But we do."</p><p>Now the penny has dropped. The corners of Phil's mouth lift, a smile slow making its way into his face. "So... It wouldn't be intruding. It would be helpful."</p><p>"Yeah. I mean - maybe they don't want our help, that's up to them. But offering it isn't a bad thing per se." Phil isn't the only one smiling. Dan can feel a smile forming on his face too. Damn, this feels good - it feels like they're finally able to do something. They're not just trying to put their feelings into words - and failing -, they're taking action.</p><p>He can see the same giddiness on Phil's face as he replies. "Yes! So... We need to check the facts first. See if there's actually something that can be done. Then we can talk to her parents about it. Offer more help if possible or even just tell them about the results."</p><p>"Okay. Then..." Dan looks down. On Phil's cutting board, there's still the piece of fondant he planned to cut into - whatever, some horrible design, that's for sure.</p><p>They're probably more helpful when they stay away from fondant.</p><p>"Let's do some research."</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>The final step. Dan is buzzing with excitement. Damn, even leaving behind all the telephone calls would be a great thing but knowing the final step has come...</p><p>Lottie's parents are already waiting in front of the hospice when Dan and Phil arrive. Dan tries to check the time on his phone without them noticing - ah, okay, it's alright, they're not late, Lottie's parents were simply too early.</p><p>The couple stops their conversation as soon as Dan and Phil close up to them. Linda smiles at them and her smile is just as warm and contagious as always. "Hi. Good to see you."</p><p>Linda and John... When Dan and Phil met them for the first time, they didn't even know their names. But oh, how things have changed... Phone calls, over and over again, some meetings in person to exchange facts, the meeting in the pub closest to their home when they talked about their relationship to Lottie... They got to know each other a bit better.</p><p>No time to dwell on that. John points at the box Phil is carrying. "So it worked out?"</p><p>He's right to ask. When Dan asked them on the phone if they were okay with Phil and him bringing something special, he also added that it might turn out a mess. On the phone, John just laughed and told him not to worry, but apparently, he doubted their abilities too. Well, they were lucky, Dan and Phil were quite content with their result.</p><p>"Yeah. I can't wait to hand them to Lottie." Dan is barely able to hide the excitement in his voice. Damn, he was looking forward to this day and now, they're finally here, ready to visit Lottie together, ready to hand her the box...</p><p>Linda's voice is a bit giddy too. "Me neither. Oh, she's going to love it."</p><p>Phil is the one to interrupt them. "Okay, so - let's go see her!"</p><p>They do as he said, but Dan can't resist rolling his eyes at Phil. Yes, he got it, Phil is totally relaxed, totally cool... That's why he almost forgot their box in the tube, yeah. Because he's so relaxed.</p><p>Seeing Lottie's face when they entered her room was almost worth the effort already. Having her parents over isn't that much of a surprise but when her dad doesn't close the door behind him and instead, Dan and Phil follow, her eyes widen and you can see the confusion on her face. But then, she's back to her usual laid-back teenie self. "Oh wow. Did I miss my birthday? What's going on now?"</p><p>"Can't we just spend some time with our dearest Lottie, huh?" Linda grins as she sits down on a chair next to Lottie's bed. The rest of the group follows suit, pulling chairs close so they can gather around the bed. Lottie's expression stays puzzled even when Phil hands over the box.</p><p>"We brought you something." Phil announces but it doesn't help at all to solve Lottie's confusion. She looks over at Dan who just shrugs - nah, he's not going to tell her what's going on, not yet - then at her mum, at her dad... They all stay silent and Dan is really glad about it. After all, it was his idea to hand over the message this way.</p><p>As soon as Lottie realises she won't get any answers yet, she rolls her eyes. But she also decides to open the box and peek inside. "Oh! Cupcakes!" She picks one up to take a closer look at it.</p><p>Dan does so too. Oof, they did a good job, actually. Okay, they picked a simple design - they went for a completely black surface so they just had to wrap the muffins in black fondant. Well, 'just'... It was difficult enough. And it shows. Lottie grins at them. "Did you make them yourselves?"</p><p>"Yep" Phil says proudly even though it's obvious that's not exactly a compliment.</p><p>And Lottie is clearly not up to being nice. "So you brought me self-made cupcakes. You all came here to give me self-made cupcakes. Wait, are you trying to poison me? To end all of this right now?"</p><p>"Lottie!" Linda's tone of voice is sharp, even though she was smiling up to now. It's the right reaction, Dan silently agrees with her - damn, he's a master of self-deprecating jokes and he likes to joke about dying, but the fact that Lottie is fighting a deadly disease makes this kind of joke so damn hurtful.</p><p>Luckily, Lottie accepts the scolding. She just murmurs something incomprehensible, then she takes another look at the cupcake. "Okay. It looks really cool, especially considering you did it. But... Why? What's going on?"</p><p>"You should take a bite." John suggests. Lottie raises an eyebrow but she gives the snarky comment a miss. Instead, she breaks open the cupcake she's holding, revealing the bright pink inside. Out of the corner of his eye, Dan can see Linda's smile turn super content and somehow, this little sign of appreciation makes his heart feel really warm. Yeah, the cupcakes turned out really good, they did a good job. Maybe not quite perfect, but... It gets across the message.</p><p>Speaking of the message: Lottie is still confused. She lifts her head, waiting for an explanation. This time, Phil shows some mercy. "Do you know these parties? When people expect a baby and they invite some friends over to..."</p><p>With each word, Lottie's expression changes. The puzzlement slowly disappears, it gets replaced by sheer astonishment, mixed with a bit of incredulity. "You mean... No, you - you can't."</p><p>Dan takes over. "Yes. Yes, we can. Yes, we're here to celebrate a party."</p><p>"A gender reveal party!" Linda burts out. "And you're holding the result in your hands!"</p><p>"I..." Lottie is speechless. She just stares at the cupcake in her hand, at the bright pink dough. But now, there's no holding back anymore. Linda takes out the forms she kept in her purse. Dan reaches out to take her hand. Phil takes the box to place it on the table. And Lottie still stares at the cupcake until she directs her gaze at the pieces of paper her mum hands her.</p><p>It's the first time in a while Dan and Phil see Lottie cry. But this time, they're happy tears. And each one proves it was worth pushing the change of Lottie's gender marker.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ayyy i finished the fic! \o/ there will be two more chapters after this one. i hope y'all enjoy them ♥ ... well "enjoying" seems to be the wrong word considering this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a sunny day when Lottie passed away.</p><p>It was a sunny day and Dan was on his way home from the studio, mentally going through the menu of his favourite takeaway, when Lottie’s dad called and his voice was cracking and you could hear the pain in every single syllable and Dan stopped in his tracks, in the middle of the footway and people were rushing by him and cars were rushing by him and yet, it felt as if the world had stopped turning.</p><p>Lottie passed away, John told Dan, mere minutes ago, and Dan felt bad because damn, John should be doing something different right now, this was way too early to call him but he assured it actually helped him, it gave him something to do and it was nice to have something to do when you didn’t know what to do anymore. Dan didn’t know what to answer, didn’t know how to comfort him and when they finished the phone call, this awkwardness still lingered in the air - knowing this would be one of the last times they’d talk because the thing that connected them was gone.</p><p>Lottie was gone. And just like that, the chapter titled “Lottie” in his life was closed.</p><p>It's hard to get by, so hard. Sometimes Dan feels like it's wrong because after all, he only knew Lottie for such a short time, just a few months. And yet, she leaves behind such a big hole in his heart, in his life.</p><p>Dan goes on many walks after her death. He often ends up at the studio and Bryony smiles at him and encourages him to turn on the microphone and record another song. Steve, his producer, supports his decision too, but he's mainly confused because he doesn't know the reason why Dan feels the urge to keep himself busy. Sure, Dan could tell him but again - he's out of words. He just doesn't know how to properly explain the hole in his heart. He’s in pain because it's so unfair, Lottie was way too young to die, way too young to struggle so much and yet, there was nothing they could do, nothing they could change.</p><p>Most of the time, his walks don’t have a destiny, though. He just lets his feet guide him through the city, people passing by without a backwards glance, and it feels so incredibly strange because the world just keeps going and nobody - well, nobody except a very small group of people - notices that something is missing. That Lottie is missing.</p><p>On occasion, he passes by the hospice where Lottie spent her last few weeks. He peeks through the windows - he can't look inside what used to be her room but he can see the hallways, the cafeteria where Phil used to get his coffee when his bandmates pressured him to keep recording way too long the night before. And yet, he can't see Lottie. Lottie just isn't there anymore. She won't walk down the hallways anymore, she won't sit in that bed anymore, she -</p><p>She's gone. Simply gone and it's so overwhelming.</p><p>The chapter "Lottie" is closed. It's not only about Lottie, though. It's - everything, basically. And it's Phil too.</p><p>Dan got so used to living life with Lottie. They didn't meet that often but still, it became a habit to drop by and see her. Now, there are no more hospice visits, now he suddenly realises he hasn't been at the hospice for one week, two weeks, three weeks and yet, he can't go anymore, he can't pick up this habit anymore.</p><p>And Phil became a big part of life with Lottie too.</p><p>Dan doesn't call Phil anymore. Phil doesn't call Dan either. Now that there's no longer a reason to stay in touch, so they just don't. What would they talk about after all? They don't need to meet up to practice decorating cupcakes anymore. They don't need to do research on gender markers either. They don't have to meet up to go to the hospice together.</p><p>And yet, Dan misses him. Losing Lottie is bad enough already, but the fact that Phil is gone too makes it even worse. All their little texts, their conversations - simply spending time with Phil...</p><p>Maybe it's better this way. Oh, it's probably better this way. After all, it was a bit awkward between them. Having their ex-sort-of-relationship in the back of their minds, Dan realising he still felt something for Phil... They put up with it for Lottie. But now that Lottie is gone, Dan can finally put that aside.</p><p>And yet, he can't. Even though he realised a while ago that there's no chance they'd get together again, it still tugs on his heart, it still makes his heart ache - he still longs to be close to Phil. Close. Closer. Really close again.</p><p>It’s back to the studio once more. But each song he sings feels wrong. Each song he sings feels as if it brushes the right topic but that's it, just brushing. He just can't grasp it, just can't grasp all of these emotions and he feels so helpless - it didn't stop with Lottie's death, the helplessness is still there and Dan feels like it's even more difficult to deal with it now.</p><p>I don't know what to say.</p><p>~*~*~</p><p>It's pouring. The rain is so heavy you can barely see the hand in front of your eyes and Dan's clothes soaked through immediately.</p><p>It's pouring and yet, Dan hurries to get away. Instead of seeking shelter and waiting for the worst to pass - the heavy downfall can't take so long, it's probably just a little cloud - he keeps on walking, heading to where he assumes the next tube station.</p><p>He knows this area. He knows where he ended up. It was yet another mindless stroll through London and yet, he ended up here, mere streets away from the big factory building where Phil's studio is located. Damn, he didn't plan this and if he had actually thought about what he was doing, he would’ve never have picked this route. They are keeping their distance and that's okay and he won't be the one to break it.</p><p>Well, technically he isn't. Because Dan easily recognises the voice who calls out his name as Phil's. But still, he was the one to come here. So...</p><p>There's no time to think about who's to blame. As he lifts his head, taking his attention away from the pavement, he notices he's right beside the building with Phil's studio. And as he turns around, he can see an open window and Phil peeking out - Phil peeking out and calling his name over and over again until he realises he got Dan's attention.</p><p>Phil smiles, he pulls his head back a bit to keep at least a little bit dry. "Damn, what are you doing out there? Come inside."</p><p>Dan obeys, of course he does. Well, sure, there's one moment where he hesitates but then he notices the way his clothes stick to his body because even his underwear got soaked already and in that moment he knows it doesn't make sense to resist.</p><p>It's not like they're going to beat up each other after all. It's just going to be a bit awkward. But they have already had worse.</p><p>And he's really cold.</p><p>So Dan gives up on his plan to reach the tube station. Instead, he turns around and heads over to the entrance. Phil is already waiting there for him, holding the door open for him. There's a worried look on his face but he doesn't even ask any questions, he just ushers him inside, leading him through the hallways until they reach the main recording room. "Make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back."</p><p>And thus he's gone - and thus, Dan is left behind in the Lights studio. That's... strange. But still, he can't actually feel bad about it. Somehow, it's good to be here, in this place he knows a bit but not too well, a place that's a different sight to the ones he’s gotten used to since Lottie's death.</p><p>Then, Phil's back. He's got a towel around his neck and two teapots in his hands. "When I got to the kitchen, I remembered I didn't ask you if you wanted to have tea or coffee. So I brought both. We got some teacups over there. Oh, and here's your towel." He places the pots on the table and hands him the towel. Dan gladly accepts it and starts rubbing dry his hair. Maybe it's not sufficient, maybe he should get out of his clothes immediately and into a hot tub, but to be honest, he feels quite okay now.</p><p>It's rather helpful that it's way too warm in the recording room.</p><p>Phil sits down on the chair next to him, Dan grabs one of the mugs to pour himself some coffee. Then he decides to share his thoughts with Phil, at least one of them. "The last time we were here together..."</p><p>"We tried not to kill each other." Phil grins at him. "And now I've saved your life."</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. Oh, Phil is being dramatic again... It's not like he was drowning outside. Yet, he's quite glad about Phil's help so he doesn't argue with him.</p><p>Instead, Phil has a question now. "You were pretty lucky, though. As you can see, Corn and Mart are already gone. In fact, I only stayed here because I thought I had forgotten to turn off the computer. And then I stayed here because I didn't want to run through the rain. And if I hadn't looked out of the window when you walked by...."</p><p>Phil hides his mouth behind his hand, trying to appear shocked. Yeah, alright, Dan got the message, Phil saved him, it's okay. He doesn't need to say it aloud, though - Phil turns more serious without him commenting. "So what were you up to? Did you want to visit me?"</p><p>Good question. He doesn't know either. Of course he didn't want to visit Phil - and yet, he ended up here. In front of Lights' studio where Phil could easily pick him up. So Dan heads for an easier answer. "I missed Lottie."</p><p>Easier and yet so difficult...</p><p>But Phil understands immediately. Something in his expression changes and even though he’s managed to look positive up to this moment but now you can tell that he misses Lottie too.</p><p>His voice changed too. It's more quiet now. Huskier. "It's strange, isn't it? Surreal. That we'll never see her again..."</p><p>"Yeah. Never hear her talk again. Never hear her laugh again." Dan gulps. "And it's so senseless. She was so young. She -" She shouldn't have died. It feels so unnatural, so wrong, so out of place. Sure, Dan knows that every death feels that way to someone, but still - Lottie's case is special.</p><p>Phil just hums in agreement and for a while they stay quiet. Then, Phil tries to break the silence by changing the subject. "Are you doing okay? Not too cold? I don't have any blankets here, I'm sorry."</p><p>Dan tries to smile at him. "Yeah, it's alright. I feel like my clothes already dried a lot. How many heaters do you have in here?"</p><p>A desperate attempt to cheer up. But Phil gladly accepts it. "We only got them for you. Because I anticipated you might show up one day, completely wet. Nah, we can go to the apartment when the rain gets a bit weaker."</p><p>The apartment. Phil's home. Well, that's not what he expected when he set out for a walk an hour ago. And yet, Dan can't stay serious. "Oh, so the apartment actually exists? I slowly began wondering if you actually lived in the studio."</p><p>Phil grins but he doesn't explain more about his living situation. Even though they were able to joke a bit, the mood is still rather somber and thus, they go silent again. Dan looks outside, watches the rain pour down outside the window - it doesn't look like it's getting better, there's still an awful lot of rain. But it's okay now that he's inside, in the warmth, with a cup of coffee.</p><p>With Phil.</p><p>After a while, Phil clears his throat. "I tried to sing in order to cope."</p><p>"Me too." Dan smiles but it's a rather weak smile. "I've spent so much time in the studio recently... But it didn't help a lot. Sometimes it distracted me but apart from that... I wanted to talk about my feelings with these songs. But it didn't work out. It didn't get the point across."</p><p>Phil hums in agreement. "Yeah. I know what you mean. It feels so weak, so... I don't know."</p><p>For a brief moment, Dan lifts his head to look at Phil. He doesn't reciprocate the look, he just gazes into the distance. And yet, Dan feels so connected to him. They both have the urge to express themselves through their songs and they both just don't manage to do so.</p><p>Then, Phil turns to him again. "What about the song you had in mind? You know - 'I don't know what to say'."</p><p>"Oh, you still remember it?" Dan is actually surprised. Yes, he did talk to Phil about the snippets in his head - but it happened only once. In their next few meetings, he sometimes hummed the song stuck in his head but that's all - and yet, Phil remembers?</p><p>For Phil, it isn't that much of a surprise. He snorts. "Of course I do. Don't act like we're a married couple and I remembered your birthday even though I forget it every single year. Or our anniversary, whatever."</p><p>Dan can't help but grin. "You remembered my birthday? Oh Phil, you spent way too much thought on that metaphor."</p><p>Of course Phil knows Dan is right. Nevertheless he rolls his eyes at him. "I'm right, though. You act like I forget everything."</p><p>Now, Dan's voice is more placable. "No, of course not. It's just - they were just snippets."</p><p>"But they fit. You should really make more of it." Phil insists and Dan just hums in response. Yeah, he could - but at the same time, he's a bit scared, actually. Phil is right, the few pieces he already had were really fitting but what if he doesn't manage to add equally fitting pieces?</p><p>And there's yet another issue. "I know it sounds like a weak excuse, but... Lottie will never hear this song."</p><p>His hands start trembling and Dan quickly puts back the cup on the table before he spills something. Damn, somehow it's these little facts that hurt the most. Like dozens of little insect bites...</p><p>Suddenly, Phil is right next to him. He puts his arms around him and pulls him close and intuitively, Dan leans against him, feeling his heartbeat thud right next to his ear. And there's Phil's soft hum, Phil's soft whisper... "Shhh. I'm here. It's alright."</p><p>No.</p><p>No, it's not. It's not alright at all. Damn, Lottie is gone and she's missing at every corner and yet, Phil claims everything is alright?</p><p>No, that's not the issue here. He knows what Phil wants to say, he knows that Phil doesn't want to claim it's okay that Lottie is dead. It doesn't even get lost in the anger building up in his chest.</p><p>No, there's something different. All of a sudden, Phil being so close is overwhelming - his presence is overwhelming. Damn, he would love to be hugged by Phil, he would love to feel Phil's support, but...</p><p>It's fake. It's a charade, just like the one they put on for so long now. They're pretending everything is alright, they did so before Lottie's death already and now they just keep going but damn, things aren't alright, not at all! And even though he prefers the relationship they're having now compared to the one when they first met up in this studio... At least they were honest back then.</p><p>Phil can't just hug him and pretend that's okay. It isn't, not at all.</p><p>Dan places his hands on Phil's chest, he pushes him away. "No. It isn't alright. Fuck, Phil, it -"</p><p>They stare at each other, Phil with a puzzled look on his face. And then - a flash of anger.</p><p>Phil understands.</p><p>Slowly, Phil lowers his arms, he sighs. The change in his mood is almost tangible.</p><p>"I guess we should finally talk, huh?"</p><p>~*~*~</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here we are. the last regular chapter. there will be an epilogue next week but then, i need to let the boys live their own life again ♥</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>God, Corn must think really poorly of him. She missed the time when Dan managed to get along with Phil - she only saw him in a grumpy mood. Dan feels actually bad when they walk past her on the way to Phil's room, Dan only being able to utter a quiet "Hi", Corn's eyebrows lifting...</p><p>Thus, Dan can't hold back as soon as Phil closes the door behind him. "Corn thinks I'm an asshole, huh?"</p><p>Phil shrugs. "Maybe she should."</p><p>Oh. He's pissed. Dan wasn't quite sure about it until now but yeah, that's a pretty obvious sign - Dan wasn't the only one to get upset.</p><p>So they're officially back to arguing. They're officially done with pushing aside their past in order to get along. And it's quite evident that it actually was necessary to do so. Here they are, seeking a quarrel...</p><p>Phil offers him a seat on the huge couch in the middle of the room, Dan accepts. There's no time to inspect the room - it's a bit messy but not in a bad way, it's creative chaos, kind of - because there's something he really needs to get off his chest immediately. "She should? Fuck, Phil - you ghosted me!"</p><p>Phil sits down next to him, crossing his arms. "Well, you told me you were straight so you could insult me."</p><p>Okay, here they are. Right in the middle of yet another argument. Well, no, not exactly - it's not like the arguments they used to have. This time, they're going to deal with their past, once and for all - at least that's what Dan has in mind and he's quite sure Phil didn't take him to the apartment just to throw him out at the first hint at their past.</p><p>Finally. Now that it boiled up in him again, Dan just wants to get rid of this lingering pain. "We hadn't talked for years at that point. And guess why? Because you decided you didn't want me to bother you anymore. Because you decided to cut ties just when I was planning to apply at the Manchester uni so I could move there and be with you! You broke up with me without even telling me!" With each word, he gets louder. Maybe it means Corn and Martyn can overhear their argument but fuck, he doesn't care, he doesn't care at all, he's so damn angry, he feels like yelling so he's still rather quiet and he -</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>Dan feels like he freezes in his tracks. He stares at Phil, just stares at him and -</p><p>Did he get that right? Did Phil just apologize? And - it isn't just that, there's something else too. His voice is so quiet, so calm, so... Not angry at all. Even though he was just as agitated as Dan only a few moments ago. When he accused Dan of insulting him, it still seemed like this could turn into a shouting match and Dan gladly accepted it but now, he's so quiet and - well, he's not exactly calm, he tugs at the blanket lying next to him, avoiding eye contact but he's not angry anymore.</p><p>It takes a moment for him to explain himself. But then he lifts his head and starts talking. "I'm sorry. I know I fucked up."</p><p>There it is. The one thing Dan had been longing to hear for so long.</p><p>Wait. Did he still want to hear it?</p><p>Yeah. Even though he doesn't know what to make of it, even though he has no clue what it means for their relationship, it's good to hear he's not just making things up - being the dramatic one. Phil did something wrong and it's such a relief to hear that he knows it too.</p><p>Then, Phil looks directly into his eyes. And there's so much sorrow in his eyes, so much pain... Dan gulps. "It was the worst part about the situation back then. Really. Like - fighting with the management and with Jona was so tiresome and stressful and so on. The money issues weren't exactly cool either. And above all - worrying about my voice, about the band. But at least I could always see the next step. I knew I could do something, I could change something. But with you..."</p><p>Phil's voice trembles. And Dan's anger... It's not entirely gone, he still feels so damn upset. But now, there's something else. Pain. Sadness. And most of all - puzzlement.</p><p>What's going on?</p><p>"There was no way I could turn back time. No way I could make up for what I had done. I couldn't tell you I was sorry, I couldn't tell you I regretted pushing you away. I couldn't reach you anymore, I couldn't even find you anymore - believe me, I tried. But there was no way to talk to you again. And I hated it, really. It was such a bad situation already but I made it even worse." Phil's voice starts sounding hoarse and damn, it reminds Dan of the days they're talking about. Back then when they had some kind of relationship and he noticed Phil's voice getting weaker but he didn't know shit, he didn't know it would be the end of their relationship, he didn't even know something was wrong.</p><p>"You never told me." He sounds so accusatory, so defiant, Dan is aware of that. But he just can't help it. It's like the Dan from back then finally has the chance to talk to Phil and even though his confession makes him feel a tiny little bit better about their breakup, the grudge is still there.</p><p>Phil sighs softly. "Yeah. I know. And I wish I could tell you why. But there's just no logical explanation. I knew long before that something would happen - losing my voice and getting surgeries happened super fast, but i had issues prior to that."</p><p>"Well, I was barely eighteen. Probably way too young to talk about something more serious than video games and the next hookup." Is he bitter? Is he provoking? Is he self-reflective? Dan just can't tell. Of course it makes sense, of course he wouldn't talk to eighteen-year-old Dan about his problems so why should Phil have done so? But fuck, he really wanted to help Phil. He really wanted to be there for him. And Phil just didn't let him.</p><p>"No! That's not the reason, believe me!" Phil hurries to say. You can tell it's important to him to debunk Dan's explanation at once is just so damn sincere, Dan can't doubt it in the slightest. "I felt I could talk to you about it. And I really wanted to. It was such a big burden and I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen, when would it happen, what should I do... And yet, I felt we had a kind of relationship that allowed me to share my burden with you and a few times I almost did, but... I backed out. I was scared. I can't even tell why exactly - I didn't want you to worry about me. I didn't want to ruin the good times we had. When I was with you, my problems didn't matter anymore and I was scared I'd lose this safe place if I told you - if I let my problems infest it."</p><p>"But you lost it anyway when you blocked me and stuff." Dan pipes up. Damn, this talk is so much harder than he expected it to be - more quiet, that's for sure, but also so much harder. Confronting Phil is really difficult after him talking about regretting what he did.</p><p>It's hard for Phil too. His fingers ruffle through his hair over and over again - there's nothing left of his neat quiff, by now it's just one big black mess. "Yeah. I never said what I did was logical. It didn't make sense, it wasn’t fitting at all. But I just wasn't able to think clearly. And when my senses returned, when I calmed down to think about what I had done... You were gone."</p><p>They look at each other in silence. And Dan can't help but wonder what would have happened if there had been just a minor difference. If he had met Martyn once and gave him his phone number so Martyn could pass it on to his brother when he had returned to his senses. If they had met in Manchester by chance. If he had tried harder to talk to Phil. If -</p><p>"And then I found you on YouTube. I finally had a way to contact you again. But you called me 'freak'."</p><p>Dan's heart drops. Fuck. Yeah, that could have been a way to get in touch again. But he refused. This time, he was the one to put his foot down.</p><p>"I'm sorry." It's surprisingly easy to say these words. Damn, he wouldn't have expected it, especially when they started arguing, but...</p><p>He really feels sorry. It didn't even take Phil talking about his struggles, about his wish to reconnect with him - he felt sorry before. Damn, if someone called him or Phil or just some random gay guy a freak, he'd hate it. And yet, he was the one to actually do it.</p><p>"I... I don't know. I was stubborn and heartbroken and scared." His voice cracks. Just a tiny bit but Phil notices nevertheless - Dan can see his hand twitch, he can tell Phil considered taking his hand.</p><p>Yeah, this would have been quite nice. But at the same time, he gets why Phil didn't actually do it. It's still kind of inappropriate.</p><p>So instead, Phil asks something. "Scared?"</p><p>Dan hums. "Scared shitless. Scared I'd lose everything. You know... You know what school was like for me - I told you. Then I thought life would get better when I met you. But then you broke up with me. Then I started uni and again, it didn't work out. So when I saw I could be a successful musician - I could do something I love and be good and successful in it... I was so scared of losing it."</p><p>"And you thought you'd lose it if someone thought you were gay?" No judgement in Phil's voice. Just a neutral question and god, he's thankful for it. Maybe he was exaggerating. But he had his reasons to be afraid.</p><p>"Yes. I remembered the guys who beat me up at school because they only guessed I was gay. So what would happen if there were rumours? I didn't want to risk it, I didn't want to be left with nothing yet again. So..." So he chased Phil away. Before he could leave any hints, before someone could start guessing again.</p><p>Dan takes a deep breath. "It was wrong. I mean - sure, I had my reasons. But it wasn't okay to treat you that way. And I knew it. Whenever I saw you I felt guilty, somehow. And my subconscious decided to deal with this by keeping up the hate and aggression. If I was still busy hating you, I couldn't think about feeling guilty - or heartbroken."</p><p>"Same." Phil pipes up and Dan lifts his head in surprise. Wow, he thought it was his turn to talk about how shitty he could be? Not that he's complaining, though. "Seeing you and feeling bad was easier to explain if I blamed it on you and on the fact that you insulted me. If I didn't have to think about everything I lost because I was a stubborn idiot. If I didn't have to think about..."</p><p>They look at each other and - there's this feeling in Dan's stomach, as if he had missed several steps on a stair.</p><p>Then, Phil takes a deep breath. "About the fact that I believed we'd make a really good couple."</p><p>Silence. Dan stares at Phil and his head feels so empty and yet, at the same time, thoughts are rushing through and he's barely able to grasp them.</p><p>But Phil isn't done yet. "I still do."</p><p>A couple. They'd make a good couple in Phil's eyes.</p><p>Dan leans back, he closes his eyes. Well, that's it, apparently. They both apologized, they both explained why they decided to ruin their relationship. That's... a lot. Especially considering he didn't even plan to meet with Phil today.</p><p>It's Phil who breaks the silence again. "You should really take a bath. Or a shower, whatever."</p><p>Dan opens his eyes again, he looks at Phil. First, Phil's eyes dart away but then he looks at Dan, a small smile on his face. Looks like Dan isn't the only one who's a bit overwhelmed.</p><p>A shower. Yeah, he's right, it's still a bit uncomfortable - he’s still a bit cold. And now that they finished their argument...</p><p>But Dan doesn't want to leave. Damn, he can't just leave. He has no idea what he could or should do instead, but leaving is the worst option.</p><p>So he just says the first thing that comes to his mind. "But we wanted to talk about Lottie."</p><p>"Oh." Phil says, his mouth a perfect little o, before he breaks into a grin. It's more sincere now - he looks so relieved. Did he expect Dan to leave? Did he fear the moment they'd meet again, having to face the awkwardness after talking through their past? "You can use my shower if you want to. I can lend you some clothes."</p><p>And he'd stay here, in Phil's apartment. Yeah, feels alright and Dan decides not to spend further thought on it yet. Shower first, that's it for now. So he agrees to Phil's offer and Phil gets up to grab some clothes from his closet before leading him to the bathroom and leaving him alone.</p><p>Taking a shower was an actual good decision, Dan notices soon. Finally, his body relaxes and he can feel the warmth return to his body. God, he's so glad they finished recording his newest album already - losing his voice during recording would have been a disaster and he's not quite sure if his little walk might turn into a cold.</p><p>It's not just about getting warm again, though. Apparently, he needed to get away from Phil for a bit to digest their conversation.</p><p>Phil still likes him. After everything that happened, after everything they went through, after breaking up and arguing and hating each other, he's still into him. They still got a chance.</p><p>They still got a chance.</p><p>It feels so surreal. But at the same time, it only confirms what Dan felt all along. Ever since they started spending more time together, he knew he wanted Phil back. He could feel the attraction, he could feel there was still something between them, but damn, he was so sure it was only one-sided. Knowing that Phil felt the same way, feels the same way, is such a relief.</p><p>Maybe Bryony was right. Maybe they were meant for each other after all.</p><p>Dan tries to plan his next steps. But - he can't. He can't think about it. He already knows the solution, he already got the next steps in his heart.</p><p>He wants Phil back. He wants to be with Phil again.</p><p>Half an hour later, he leaves the shower, feeling way better, warmer and settled and ready to face Phil again. (It’s nice to wear his clothes. Nice. Yeah. Dan decides not to think further about it.)</p><p>Ready to face Phil again... Oh, he had to hype himself up to face Phil so often in the last few months. But this time, it's different, this time, everything’s changed.</p><p>Phil is waiting on the couch for him, there are two mugs on the table next to him. "Hot chocolate," Phil explains as Dan peeks at them. "It's the perfect weather for hot chocolate. I hope you're okay with it."</p><p>"Sure." Dan sits down next to Phil. A bit closer than before and he actually feels a bit light-headed because - god, finally he got the anger off his chest, finally he could step away from their past. He thought he was over Phil, he really did but - maybe it wasn't possible to get over Phil. Maybe he couldn't leave Phil behind no matter how hard he tried because he still loves him.</p><p>Phil hands him a mug, then he pulls out his phone. "Have you watched the videos we made with Lottie since...?"</p><p>Since she died. Even though Phil wasn't able to say it aloud, it still makes Dan's heart ache. So they're really back to Lottie, really back to the pain he felt in his chest since their little protégé passed away...</p><p>And yet, it's different now. It's pure pain now, no more resentment towards Phil overshadowing it. He's just sad.</p><p>"No. I couldn't. I..."</p><p>"Me neither." Phil interrupts him before he can start explaining himself, proving that there's no need to explain the pain he felt each time he thought about Lottie. And somehow...</p><p>The mood changed, that's for sure. Now that they're talking about Lottie, there's this sadness in the air. But damn, having Phil at his side makes it so much more bearable. Finally, he's not on his own anymore, finally there's someone who knows what he's going through. Someone who gets that he's so devastated even though he only knew Lottie for a short time. Someone who lost this little friend with a bad mouth and a sweet tooth too.</p><p>Dan takes a deep breath. "Well, then... Let's do it. Let's watch the videos." He nods at Phil's phone and even though he didn't consider actually watching Lottie's videos again, let alone so soon, it feels like the right decision. Sure, it's going to be rough to hear Lottie's voice again, to hear Lottie laugh again, knowing this is all that's left of her, just these recordings. But right now, he feels he can bear it.</p><p>Phil agrees, apparently. He picks up his phone, unlocks it and starts swiping through his gallery. Dan moves closer so he can look at the screen too, casually putting his arm around Phil's shoulders.</p><p>Casually... It probably looks casual to Phil. But damn, it doesn't feel casual at all. His heart is racing and he can't help but smile. It's the right thing to do, it's okay, he can get closer to Phil if he likes to and that's such a huge improvement - he really needed this to be casual.</p><p>Dan can't spend more thought on that. With a short glance, Phil confirms if Dan's ready to go. Ready to go... Well, as ready as he can be.</p><p>Then, Phil starts the first video.</p><p>It hurts. Yes, it hurts. Just as he expected. Seeing Lottie on the screen, knowing she's gone forever, knowing they'll never see her again, knowing she'll never laugh like that again... It's so unfair, it's so absurd.</p><p>But it's more than just the sadness. It's...</p><p>Lottie's bright smile. Lottie's giggles. Lottie clearly enjoying herself. Lottie enjoying herself even though she's visibly doing worse in the next video. Lottie's shining eyes. Lottie being a ray of sunshine even though she curses right after Dan thought of that description.</p><p>They don't make it far. After a while, they need to take a break - Phil puts aside his phone and wipes his eyes. And it feels just so natural to put his arms around him and pull him close. It feels just so natural having Phil wrap his arms around him too. It feels just so natural to lie on the couch together, hugging, talking, first about Lottie but when it becomes too overwhelming, when it feels like they have talked it into the ground, they switch to lighter topics. Their spirits lift but they still keep hugging.</p><p>It feels natural to turn quiet after a while, just exchanging some glances, some smiles.</p><p>It feels natural to move even closer.</p><p>It feels natural to kiss Phil again.</p><p>~*~*~</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is it. The last chapter. Thanks for joining Lottie, Dan, Phil and me on this trip ♥</p><p>I'll return one last time with my OSPBB fic. See you there! \o/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's so quiet here.</p><p>Sure, London is never fully quiet, not even in the middle of the night and especially not now, on a sunny afternoon. You can still hear traffic noises, people talking, children screaming, dogs barking... But they're all far away. It's just some background noise. Here, it's quiet.</p><p>Opposed to the outside world, apparently - a world far away from this place, far away and yet so close as Dan notices when he looks at the messages he just got. It's from Bryony.</p><p>'Guys, I think you just broke the internet<br/>People are going insane<br/>They are crying<br/>Me too tho'</p><p>Dan grins. He turns the phone a bit so Phil can take a look at the screen too. In the meantime, Bryony sends one last message.</p><p>'have a good time :)'</p><p>A good time... Dan puts the phone back into his pocket before taking Phil's hand.</p><p>A good time. Well, it's nice to go on a walk. The sun is shining, Phil is on his side and they're visiting an old friend. But the last part is what makes their trip a somber one.</p><p>Out of the blue, Phil starts humming and Dan can't help but smile. He knows the melody, of course he does - after all, that's the song he spent so much time singing in the past few weeks, the song he heard so many times when Phil practised it, when Phil recorded it.</p><p>'I don't know what to say...'</p><p>Today is the first day it doesn't feel anymore like Phil is giving away a secret by humming the song. Today is the day the world got to know this song. Got to know their emotions. Got to know a part of Lottie's story. </p><p>It's a good thing, that's for sure. But at the same time, it's overwhelming. Luckily, their teams were super understanding and when Dan and Phil announced they were going on a walk right after their song popped up on the internet for the very first time, nobody tried to stop them, nobody tried to force them to drink to the release.</p><p>The path they're choosing is a familiar one. Dan already got used to the sound of gravel under his shoes, he knows without thinking where to turn.</p><p>And yet, things are different today.</p><p>Making a song inspired by Lottie was so strange - it still is. But even though Dan regrets she'll never be able to hear it, he can't feel all bad about it. They put a part of Lottie into this song, thus carrying her on forever. And they’re donating the money they earn with this song to a charity helping kids like her, making it her legacy. That's pretty soothing.</p><p>One last corner. Then they arrived at their destiny.</p><p>Dan takes a deep breath before he lifts his head. It's still so weird to see this place, to be here, to know what's underneath the soil.</p><p>But just like the many times he visited before, he smiles as his gaze falls upon the inscription on the tombstone.</p><p>In the end, Lottie defied her biggest fear.</p><p>The inscription says Lottie.</p>
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